Canadian MP Refuses To Acknowledge Apology For Justin Bieber

Conservative MP Harold Albrecht, a Bieber fan, prefers to remain seated
during any and all apologies to Canadians.

Ottawa

When Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau rose in the House of Commons on Tuesday to offer an historic apology to the LGBTQ community for years of discrimination, all parties rose to their feet in solidarity, save for a few members of the Conservative Party of Canada.

One such person was Kitchener-Conestoga MP Harold Albrecht, who remained seated and afterward said that the Prime Minister went too far when he expressed his support for children discovering their sexual orientation or gender identity as young as the age of six.

As if this action by Albrecht, 68, weren't enough, the former evangelical pastor and dentist also refused to stand and applaud when Trudeau offered a sweeping apology to the Canadian people for the existence of Justin Bieber.

In his apology, Trudeau said that "For too long the Canadian public has been subjected to the 'music' and antics of Stratford native Justin Bieber. Lives have been diminished, relationships have been torn asunder, and eardrums have been subjected to unconscionable material. Children as young as six years old have known for a long time that this is not true music. On behalf of the government of Canada, I sincerely apologize."

However, Albrecht, elected in 2013, refused to rise to his feet after the historic apology. Afterward, he stated that "young children can't possibly know by the age of six whether they think Mr. Bieber's music is an abomination or not. My grandkids for example love Justin. The apology went too far." He then sat down in his chair in the House of Commons, reportedly humming Bieber's hit Love Yourself.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Zimbabwe Lifts Ban On Importing Republican Trophies

"Our proud hunters have been trying to get their hands on Mitch McConnell for years."

Harare, Zimbabwe

It seems as though Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is still pulling the strings even though he is under house arrest.

According to multiple reports, the Zimbabwean dictator, in his waning days as leader, has lifted the long-held ban on importing trophies from America's Republican Party. Hunters will immediately be allowed to bring the carcasses of GOP members back to the African country.

"The lifting of the ban is a long time coming," said Emmerson Mnangagwa, chairman of Mugabe's Zimbabwe African National Union - Patriotic Front party. "Our proud hunters have been trying to get their hands on Mitch McConnell for years. Imagine the price that a Mike Pence or, I'm dreaming here, but Donald Trump would demand on the black market!"

According to multiple Zimbabwean hunters, McConnell, Pence, or even House Speaker Paul Ryan would be worth more than the president himself, considering Trump's mental decline.

White House sources confirm that security around the 45th President has been beefed up significantly.

The ban has been in effect since 2004, when hunters tried unsuccessfully to smuggle the body of President Ronald Reagan into the country.

From Our Harare Bureau

AC/DC's Malcolm Young Forlorn After Ending Up In Heaven

Malcolm Young is inconsolable after ending up in Heaven.

Heaven

Rock and roll fans around the globe are mourning the loss of AC/DC co-founder Malcolm Young, who died at age 64 after a long battle with dementia.

However, it seems the afterlife is not what Young was expecting, and according to witnesses he's quite depressed to find himself with the angels.

"Ever since St. Peter welcomed Malcolm into the pearly gates on Saturday, he's refused to speak to God, and even more surprisingly, he won't join the choir," said Tom Petty, sporting his newly-earned wings.

"Malcolm expected to be living easy and living free, whatever that means," said fellow angel Prince. "He thought he had a season ticket on a one-way ride on the Highway to Hell," said the composer of Purple Rain. "He was certain that he was going down to a party time, and that his friends would be there too," said Chuck Berry.

As it is, there are stop signs and speed limits in Heaven, and Young has been told to slow down on several occasions during his first day in the celestial city. "Malcolm keeps yelling 'Satan, I've paid my dues!' but it's falling on deaf ears," said David Bowie.

The Devil could not be reached for comment as of press time.

From Our Heavenly Bureau

REPORT: Paul Reubens To Replace Kevin Spacey On House Of Cards

Paul Reubens is best known for his portrayal of Pee-Wee Herman.

Los Angeles

At a hastily arranged news conference on Friday evening, Netflix, the producers of the hit show House of Cards, announced that the show would indeed continue on without star Kevin Spacey.

Spacey, who has also starred in various films such as American Beauty and Beyond The Sea, has been under intense scrutiny and condemnation since being accused of sexual harassment or assault in recent days by at least 15 people.

"The role of Frank Underwood will live on, and we believe we've found the perfect person to play him," executive producer William Thomson. "That person is versatile actor Paul Reubens."

Reubens, age 65, is best known for his portrayal of Pee-Wee Herman, and starred in The Pee-Wee Herman Show from 1981-84, and Pee-Wee's Playhouse from 1986-91. He is also the star of feature films Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Big Top Pee-Wee. Since 2006, Reubens has been making cameos and guest appearances in numerous projects, such as Reno 911!, 30 Rock, Dirt, Pushing Daisies, and The Blacklist.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Saskatchewan City Under Fire After Canceling Remembrance Day

Weyburn, SK

A small city in Saskatchewan is coming under fire for essentially forcing its veterans to march in the town’s annual Santa Claus parade instead of holding their own traditional ceremonies on November 11th.

“The cost of November 11th ceremonies, particularly the parade, is a lot more expensive than most people realize,” said Weyburn city councilor Stacey Yancey. “By the time policing costs and traffic diversion are added up, it just isn’t worth it, especially considering the dwindling number of actual war vets.”

According to the Weyburn Legion, there are only 3 living veterans from World War Two left in the city of 11,000. Apparently, that isn’t enough for the Weyburn council.

89 year old World War Two veteran Patrick Mallehan (R)
is astonished by city council's decision.

“It’s a disgrace,” said 89 year old Normandy veteran Patrick Mallehan from his seniors residence. “We fought for our country and this city when it was just a blip on the map, and now they want to erase our sacrifice from history.”

According to Mayor Stephen Downridge, November 11th will be like “any other day, but on the day of the Santa Claus parade (November 25th), Taps and The Last Post will be played by the high school band in between Christmas carols. The traditional moment of silence will be replaced by veterans throwing out candies to joy-filled onlookers.”

This isn’t the first time Weyburn city council has been under fire. Last July they converted the town’s cenotaph into a skate park for kids.

When asked for his viewpoint on the controversial decision, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said that "ultimately it is the city's decision, and it sounds like they are being fiscally prudent to me."

From Our Saskatoon Bureau

Ontario Man Hospitalized After Criticizing Justin Trudeau

Cambridge, ON

An Ontario man has been hospitalized with an “irreparably” sprained index finger after incessantly scrolling through his Facebook feed and pressing the angry emoji each time he came across the name Justin Trudeau.

Peter Tomlinson, a welder from Cambridge and ardent Conservative Party supporter, joined Facebook only two years ago but according to doctors has an unhealthy obsession with the Prime Minister.

“We’ve seen a growing number of index finger injuries since Mr. Trudeau was elected, but Mr. Tomlinson’s is by far the worst,” said Dr. Sanjay Jakarla of Kitchener’s Grand River Hospital. “Apparently it started on election night, but has continued every day since. It seems to affect approximately 45% of grown men who also have an aversion to Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne.”

According to Jakarla, another growing problem is the inability for grown men to correctly pronounce the surname of the Prime Minister. “We’re hearing Turdeau and Trudope the most, so speech therapists have also been brought in."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch, Tomlinson said he would revert to using his middle finger to ignorantly insult the Prime Minister via social media.


From Our Waterloo Region Bureau

REPORT: City Of Montreal Refuses To Pay Respects To Gord Downie

Tragically Hip frontman Gord Downie passed away on Tuesday.

Montreal, QC

It seems as though an entire country shed a tear when Canada learned of the passing of Gord Downie, lead singer of the iconic band The Tragically Hip. That is, all but one notable exception - the city of Montreal.

While Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held a tearful press conference in Ottawa the day after Downie died of brain cancer, Mayor Denis Coderre came out with a statement of his own on Thursday evening.

"While Mr. Downie was a celebrated poet and musician throughout the rest of Canada and even parts of Quebec, I cannot in good conscious mourn his passing on behalf of my constituents."

When pressed as to why he would not pay his respects to Downie's family, the mayor explained: "Gord Downie was a fervent Boston Bruins fan. He even wore a retro Bruins jersey in the video Courage (For Hugh MacLennan) and also references Bobby Orr in Fireworks. The Canadiens are Montreal's team, and Mr. Downie should have respected that."

Outrage towards Mayor Coderre as well as the city of Montreal has followed the comments, with several Kingston residents burning Canadiens jerseys.

From Our Montreal Bureau

BREAKING: Trump Blames Mayor of Whoville For Slow Response To Grinch

Washington, D.C.

It seems as though Donald Trump is no fan of the nation's mayors.

Hours after tweeting his displeasure with San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz over her response to the crisis facing Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, the American President took to social media to criticize the mayor of the tiny village of Whoville.

In a series of tweets on Saturday morning, Trump said, "Such poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico, who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort."

The comments struck up a firestorm of controversy, with actor Lin-Manuel Miranda tweeting,"You're going straight to hell, @realDonaldTrump. No long lines for you. Someone will say, 'Right this way, sir.' They'll clear a path."

Late Saturday evening, Trump was busy tweeting again, this time with strong words for Mayor Augustus Maywho, "Mayor of Whoville should be ashamed of himself for letting Grinch steal all the children's toys. So sad! Brutal leadership!"

Whoville Mayor Augustus Maywho

Whoville, with a population of 842, has seen tragedy strike each and every Christmastime since 1957, when the Grinch, a bitter, grouchy, cave-dwelling creature with a heart two sizes too small comes down from his home on snowy Mount Crumpit in order to steal toys, decorations, and food for Christmas feasts. Though each year he has a change of heart due to exchanges with Whoville resident Cindy Lou, Trump still isn't pleased.

"Very sad that Mayor Maywho can't stop GreenMan from attacking his village. This is what happens when you put a Democrat in office with a record of weak borders!"

As of press time, Mayor Maywho was unavailable for comment.

From Our Washington Bureau

ISIS Leader Breaks Silence, Calls New Shania Twain Album Shitty

ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Damascus, Syria

The leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, seems to have broken his 11-month silence with a long audio message in which he mocks the United States, calls on jihadis to rally against the Syrian regime and insists that Canada is now in its crosshairs after the release of the "shitty" new Shania Twain album.

The Twain album, entitled Now was released on Friday to mixed reviews. AllMusic writes that the album "feels fussy, as if every element was triple-guessed because the pressure to have a triumphant comeback was too great." Consequence of Sound said that "the whole album feels like it has been flattened out for the sake of streaming services. Without the big, chewy hooks, the songs tend to bleed together indistinguishably in hindsight.

But the harshest review came from al-Baghdadi, the reclusive leader of ISIS. In a rambling 45-minute audio track obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, the 46 year old Iraqi calls the album "somewhere between the musical equivalent of a nuclear bomb, and a cure for insomnia." He calls the opening track Swingin' With My Eyes Closed particularly bad. "We've had some pretty shitty songs on Islamic State's Got Talent, but this one takes the cake. It begins with the pathetic lyrics: 'Summer's here, bring it on. Another year, one more beer, another song.' You should see her appearance on Jimmy Fallon, it's truly terrible," says al-Baghdadi. "After a 15 year hiatus, this is the best shit she could come up with? Clearly, Canada has a talent problem."

Prior to releasing the shitty Now, Twain, 52, a native of Timmins, Ontario had major success with hits such as Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Any Man Of Mine, and From This Moment On.

From Our Damascus Bureau

NFL Players Take A Knee To Protest Pumpkin Spice Shortage

Baltimore Ravens players take a knee during the American national anthem
 prior to their game against Jacksonville in London on Sunday.

London

On a Sunday when national anthem protests will be the biggest storyline in the NFL, the first protests occurred thousands of miles away on another continent.

The Jaguars and Ravens kicked off Week 3 in London's Wembley Stadium at 9:30 a.m. ET, and before the game, everyone in attendance, as well as TV viewers across the pond in the America wondered what would happen.

It turns out that many players on both sidelines chose to kneel, while others stood with arms interlocked. Other teams such as the Seahawks and Titans have chosen to remain in their locker rooms during the anthem.

The protests have now spread to Major League Baseball after Oakland Athletics catcher Bruce Maxwell also took a knee before a recent game.

The growing protests stem from a critical shortage of pumpkin spice products at donut shops across America. A fall tradition for several years, coffee and donut chains across the nation typically feature various pumpkin spice flavoured latte’s, muffins, cookies, and donuts in order to celebrate the beginning of Autumn. However, this year, due to the renegotiation of the North American Free Trade Agreement with Canada and Mexico, there is a critical shortage of the popular spice. 72% of pumpkin imports to the United States arrive from Canada, and virtually all of these imports are being held up at the border due to controversial tweets from President Donald Trump.

“Never liked pumpkin spice. Canada has been fleecing U.S. for years, but no more. America First!”

“Lots of Americans addicted to pumpkin spice. Very sad! Huge problem!”

Popular coffee and donut chains such as Dunkin’ Donuts report a drastic drop in business because of the ongoing feud. And professional athletes aren’t happy.

“Each year at the beginning of the football season we rely on Dunkin’ Donuts, Tim Hortons, even McDonald’s to supply us with the pumpkin spiced fuel that we need and love in order to compete effectively on the field. The President is playing politics with our livelihoods,” said Jaguars’ cornerback Jalen Ramsay.

As a result, several NFL athletes have signed with Canadian Football League teams such as the Toronto Argonauts and Hamilton Tiger-Cats. “We have plenty of pumpkin spice up here in Canada and we welcome our American neighbours with open arms,” said CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie.

From Our London Bureau

Woman Arrested After Leaving Newest iPhone In Scorching Car

Tatiana Sheyrdev, 23, is charged with criminal negligence
 after the death of her brand-new iPhone 8 Plus.

Toronto

A 23 year old Toronto woman has been charged with criminal negligence causing technological death after she mistakenly left her brand-new $950 iPhone 8 Plus in her car on a scorching late September day.

Tatiana Sheyrdev left the sleek device on the dashboard of her grey 2016 Prius for 8 hours in 29 degree weather. According to Environment Canada, the humidex that day was 35 degrees.

Sheyrdev, an advertising executive in the downtown district, told a judge at the College Park courthouse that she had been “in a panic all day, wondering where I had left my phone, which is my lifeline,” but that she never imagined she could have been so absent-minded as to leave it in her vehicle.

Around 9am last Thursday, financial advisor Paul Stephens was walking along McCaul Street when he noticed the silver device glimmering under the hot sun with all of the windows rolled up. “At first I didn’t know what to do, so I just walked past the car,” said Stephens. “But when I walked past again after my shift at the bank, it was still there, so I broke the window and tried to save it.”

Technicians at a nearby Best Buy attempted to revive the phone for 30 minutes, to no avail. Police were called shortly after.

The iPhone 8 Plus in question was described as 6.4 inches tall, 3.07 inches in width, and it weighed 7.13 ounces.  It  featured wireless charging and facial recognition software, and had the capacity for 256GB of memory.

In a statement released on Friday, Apple CEO Tim Cook expressed “deep sympathy for all involved in this tragic event.”

From Our Toronto Bureau

Kim Jong-un Threatens U.S. With New Nickelback Album

North Korea is reportedly in talks with Canada concerning the release of a new
Nickelback album across the United States.

Pyongyang, North Korea

The war of words between American President Donald Trump and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un escalated on Friday.

Mere hours after Trump threatened to "destroy North Korea" and called his counterpart "Rocket Man" at the United Nations, Kim responded by stating "I will tame the mentally deranged US dotard with fire."

Later, on Friday evening, North Korean state television issued yet another statement which has greatly raised the fears of the American people. In it, Kim discloses that he has been "working closely with the Canadian ambassador to North Korea, John McReynolds, in order to ensure that a new album by the truly atrocious Canadian band Nickelback will be released clear across the United States should the dotard continue his threats against our great country."

Nickelback, headed by lead vocalist Chad Kroeger, has unleashed utter despair on the world before. They have released nine albums - known to Canadians as weapons of mass destruction - beginning in 1996 with Curb, and most recently in June with Feed The Machine, which sent thousands of deranged listeners to hospitals.

UPDATE: In response to the threat from Pyongyang, Trump is reportedly also talking to Canada in regards to sending Justin Bieber on a North Korean tour.

From Our Seoul Bureau

McCain To Vote Against Pineapple On Pizza

Sen.. John McCain (R-AZ) is picking a fight with the state of Hawaii.

Washington

It seems as though Senator John McCain is unable to vote yes on anything.

Mere hours after announcing that he would be voting no on the Graham-Cassidy bill to repeal Obamacare, the 81 year old Vietnam War veteran released a statement vowing to vote against a controversial Republican plan to endorse pineapple as a topping on pizza.

The bill, sponsored by Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and supported by major pizza chains Dominos and Pizza Hut, would put the government’s stamp of approval on the controversial fruit appearing on pizza pies nationwide.  The legislation enjoys Democratic support as well, particularly from Hawaiian Senators Mazie Hirono and Brian Schatz, who see it as a potential boon for their state.

John McCain begs to differ. In his statement he said, “It was clearly a failure when President Obama tried to push through a similar bill, and this one is no better.  Along with my constituents, I firmly believe that American pizza is all about the pepperoni and cheese, and that pineapple is best kept to fruit cups. But ultimately, the government has no place legislating the appetites of its citizens.”

In response, Hirono and Schatz released a statement suggesting that McCain "should think twice before stepping foot in Honolulu."

From Our Washington Bureau 

Nambian Prime Minister Threatens To Cut Off American Covfefe Supply

Abeeku Mugatu is the first democratically elected leader in Nambia's history (File Photo)

Sankantia, Nambia

Forget about North Korea and the ongoing Russia investigation for a moment. The Prime Minister of The Republic of Nambia has issued a warning to American President Donald Trump, mere days after Trump praised the reclusive nation.

PM Abeeku Mugatu, the first democratically elected leader in Nambia’s illustrious history, vowed on Friday that he would place crippling tariffs on covfefe exports if they are not installed as a full-fledged member of the United Nations immediately.

Nambia is the world’s largest exporter of the popular morning beverage which the American President and his staff consume religiously.  Covfefe, a Nambian word meaning “one who tweets at all hours of the day,” is known primarily for its caffeine content, but health experts have recently warned about disturbing side effects, such as the inability to form complete sentences as well as acute narcissism.

“For too long, my country has shunned the rest of the world, but now after our first democratic elections, my team and I have decided that we must engage with the international community,” said Mugatu. “I am confident that world leaders, particularly Mr. Trump, will push for our inclusion in the UN instead of having us cut off their precious covfefe supply.”

In response, the American President tweeted on Friday afternoon: “Just praised PM Mugatu and Nambia the other day, now threatens me. Very sad. Huge fan of covfefe.”


At press time, no resolution to the matter had been reached.

Texas Pastor Osteen Claims Flooding Perfect For Baptisms

For a small donation of $10,000, Houston megachurch Pastor Joel Osteen will go to a family's devastated home and baptize them, as well as give them a signed copy of his 2007 book "Become a Better You"

Houston 

It seems as though Houston megachurch pastor and inspirational author Joel Osteen can't do anything right these days.

The 54 year old leader of the 15,000+ capacity Lakewood Church has been under fire for his response to the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, which has claimed at least 19 lives. In a Facebook post on Sunday, Osteen claimed that the church was closed to severe flooding, despite photographs debunking that claim. By Monday, the best-selling author of "Your Best Life Now" was saying that Lakewood was "prepared to house people once shelters reach capacity" and that they were collecting supplies for those in need. Meanwhile, Houston mosques and other places of worship had already been opening their doors to those affected by Harvey. Under increasing pressure, on Tuesday Osteen finally announced that the church was receiving people who need shelter.

This morning on The Today Show, Osteen claimed that the hurricane was "an incredible gift from God." He continued, "I declare that the Lord has sent all of this rain so that a vast amount of Houstonians will have the opportunity to be baptized within their own homes, whether they be flooded houses, apartment buildings, nursing homes or what have you." He went on to say that victims who agreed to be baptized in the flood waters would receive "special priority from the Lord and from Lakewood Church when it comes to deciding who receives the most assistance." He then announced that for a small donation of $10,000, he himself would "roll up his sleeves" and go to a family's devastated home and baptize them, as well as give them a signed copy of his 2007 book "Become a Better You: 7 Keys to Improving Your Life Every Day."

As of 2012, Osteen's net worth is reportedly $56,508,500. He lives with his family in a $10,500,000 home.

From Our Houston Bureau

REPORT: Omar Khadr To Serve As Canada's Next Governor General

Governor General-designate Omar Khadr will become the 29th Canadian citizen
 to serve in the role, succeeding David Johnston.

Ottawa

Sources have confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch late Wednesday that at a press conference scheduled for Thursday, Canadian citizen and former child soldier Omar Khadr will be named Canada's 29th Governor General since Confederation.

Khadr, 30, has recently been the subject of much consternation, as just last Friday, the federal government confirmed that it had apologized to him and, according to sources, handed him a payout of $10.5 million.

Born in Canada, Khadr was taken to Afghanistan by his father, who was affiliated with Al-Qaeda and other terrorist organizations. On July 27, 2002, at age 15, Khadr was severely wounded in a firefight between U.S. soldiers and Taliban fighters in the village of Ayub Kheyl, during which Khadr is alleged to have thrown a grenade that killed American Delta Force soldier Sgt. Christopher Speer. After being captured and detained at Bagram, he was sent to the Guantanamo Bay detention camps in Cuba. During his detention, Khadr was interrogated by both Canadian and US intelligence officers.
He was the first person since World War II to be prosecuted in a military commission for war crimes committed while still a minor. His conviction and sentence were widely denounced by civil rights groups, as well as the United Nations.

In 2010, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that the Canadian government's interrogation of Khadr at Guantanamo Bay "offend[ed] the most basic Canadian standards [of] the treatment of detained youth suspects."

As Governor General, Khadr will receive an annual salary of $270,602, and will reside in Ottawa's Rideau Hall. The Toronto-born citizen will reportedly meet with the Queen next month for tea.

When reached for comment, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told The Sentinel Dispatch that there were several qualified candidates, including former astronaut Julie Payette, and leading marijuana activist Marc Emery, but that Khadr had "impressed (him) the most."

Khadr will succeed current Governor General David Johnston, who has served in the role since October 2010.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

BREAKING: Toronto Blue Jays Place Entire Roster On Disabled List

Toronto Blue Jays pitcher J.A. Happ leaves his last start with an elbow injury.

Los Angeles

When it rains it pours for the lowly Toronto Blue Jays. Mere hours after consigning shortstop Troy Tulowitzki to the 10-day disabled list with a hamstring injury, the team announced that they are going ahead and placing their entire major league roster on the shelf.

The Blue Jays, with 4 wins and 12 losses going into Saturday night's action against the Los Angeles Angels, had previously placed all-star third baseman Josh Donaldson (calf) on the disabled list, along with pitchers Aaron Sanchez (finger) and J.A. Happ (elbow).

"With the way our players have been going down, and considering our atrocious start to the season, we talked it over and decided it's in our best interest to place the whole club on the DL," said general manager Ross Atkins. "Jose Bautista has a bunyan on his left foot, Ryan Goins had a significant sneezing episode last night, and Justin Smoak has a bit of a sore throat." Asked what the issue is with catcher Russell Martin, Atkins replied, "Oh, him, he's just awful."

Jays president Mark Shapiro has announced that the team will continue to play games with fill-ins from their minor-league affiliate, the Buffalo Bisons. Pitcher Casey Lawrence starts his first major league game against the Angels tonight.

From Our Toronto Bureau

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Truly Awful Katherine Heigl Film

Unforgettable was  produced by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

Los Angeles

The Islamic State has successfully carried out its second terror attack in as many days, releasing the truly awful movie Unforgettable, starring Katherine Heigl and Rosario Dawson.

A day after French assailant Karim Cheurfi shot and killed a police officer on Paris' Champs-Elysees, the terror group unleashed the 1 hour and 40 minute assault on movie-goers in America, the UK, Ireland, and Cambodia, with further plans to do so worldwide.

The movie, sporting a tagline of "When Love Ends, Madness Begins" was directed by Denise Di Novi, and produced by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. It features Heigl as Tessa Connover, a deranged woman who is jealous of her ex-husband's new relationship with Julia, played by Dawson.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone writes that "Unforgettable is definitely the wrong title for a movie you want to erase from your memory the second it ends." He goes on to call the $12,000,000 film "sexist, exploitative trash." Gary Thompson of the Philadelphia Daily News says "One day (very) soon, folks will be watching it on cable, downing pints of pinot, and groaning at (its) lurid, eye-popping tactlessness."

Unforgettable currently has a 24% rating on RottenTomatoes.com.

The Weeknd Offers $50K Reward For Missing Vowel

The Weeknd hasn't been able to locate the missing vowel
 from his name for the past 7 years.

Los Angeles – Canadian singer/songwriter The Weeknd held a news conference in Los Angeles on Wednesday, urgently asking for the public’s help in locating the vowel “e” that is missing from his name.

The 27-year old artist, known for his hits including Can’t Feel My Face and The Hills, looked visibly shaken as he described the loss of the vowel. “This is a hard thing for me to talk about. I haven’t been able to locate it since 2010,” said The Weeknd, whose birth name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye.

Recently linked romantically to Selena Gomez, the star said he “doesn’t want to get married and pass down the defective name to (his) kids. In 2015 I went so far as to try out for Wheel of Fortune, hoping to buy the letter, but I was rejected."

The Weeknd is offering a $50K reward for the return of the missing vowel.

Trudeau Government To Legalize Medicinal Alcohol For Children

While Ottawa will set a minimum age of 16 to buy, the provinces will have
the option of setting a lower age limit if they wish.

Ottawa - The Liberal government will announce legislation next month that will legalize medicinal alcohol for children in Canada by July 1, 2018.

The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that the legislation will be announced around April 10 and will follow the recommendation of a task force that was chaired by former liberal Justice Minister Anne McLellan.

The federal government will be in charge of making sure the country's alcohol supply is safe and secure and Ottawa will license producers.

But the provinces will have the right to decide how the alcohol is distributed and sold. Provincial governments will also have the right to set price.

While Ottawa will set a minimum age of 16 to buy, the provinces will have the option of setting a lower age limit if they wish.


As for Canadians who want to brew their own beer, they will be limited to four kegs per household. Regulations for those consuming wine or spirits are forthcoming.

Children's rights activists herald the news as a major victory. "Gone are the dark ages when we didn't know anything about the effects of alcohol on children. Research shows that getting a buzz on is healthy for any child, but particularly those who may be sick with a debilitating disease, or even a cold or flu," said Cynthia Jackson, executive director of the Ottawa Children's Hub.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

CNN Executive Briefly Panics After Zero Terrorist Attacks

Calm-counselors are being called in to the network to help employees deal with the slow news cycle.

Atlanta, GA

CNN head news director Jason Farnstone admits that he has never felt anything like it. And he doesn't want to feel it again. A full day had passed since the latest terrorist attack, this time outside of the British parliament, and the veteran journalist, as well as many of his colleagues, were anxiously depending on another attack to hit and thus continue to have an important, breaking news story to cover. "Twenty-four hours is a lifetime in the cable news business, and we depend on these stories to keep our anchors wide-eyed and alert," said Farnstone. "The fact that so much time has passed since the attacks in London is, frankly, concerning. Our viewers tune in expecting to see dust and debris and bloodied faces, just like sports fans tune into Cowboys games expecting to see scantily-clad cheerleaders. The effect of London is starting to wear off."

According to sources inside CNN's vaunted newsroom, distress is starting to set in among some of the network's top anchors. "Wolf hasn't slept since this whole thing began, and Anderson, we have him waiting at the airport just wondering which attacked city we're going to send him to next," said a producer on the condition of anonymity. "My money's on Copenhagen, but others are wagering on cities as far ranging as Madrid to Frankfurt to Los Angeles."

Calm-counselors are being called in to the network to help employees deal with the slow news cycle.

From Our Atlanta Bureau

Scotland Urges Vote On Independence From Comedian Billy Connolly

Actor/Comedian Billy Connolly is facing a movement
that is seeking his removal from Scotland.

Edinburgh - The Scottish Parliament on Tuesday backed a bid to hold a referendum on independence from failing comedian Billy Connolly in 2018 or 2019, and the British government immediately approved the proposal.

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon cited the 74-year-old's unimpressive film career as the tantamount reason for the upcoming vote. 

"Have you ever seen his classics such as Muppet Treasure Island (1996), Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties (2006), or The Boondock Saints II (2009)?" asked Sturgeon. "Mr. Connolly has long been a stain on our nation, and we have taken steps today to rectify the situation."

Connolly, a native of Glasgow, began his career as an unimpressive banjo-playing folk singer, moved into acting, and eventually comedy. 

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch, Connolly's agent said that in the event of a Yes vote, his client would seek to reside "in a country where no one has seen his films." 

That leaves quite the selection

From Our Edinburgh Bureau

Trump Signs Order Protecting Creature On Top Of Head

Washington - President Donald Trump on Tuesday continued his series of executive orders. The 45th president traveled to the Environmental Protection Agency and initially announced his “Energy Independence” order, while flanked by a group of coal miners and executives. The order's main target is the Clean Power Plan brought in under the Obama administration,  which required states to reduce carbon emissions from power plants. It also reverses a ban on coal leasing on federal lands, undoes rules to curb methane emissions from oil and gas production and reduces the weight of climate change and carbon emissions in policy and infrastructure permitting decisions.

However, the President appeared to reach out to concerned environmentalists and animal rights activists by issuing a second executive order, entitled the “Endangered Unknown Creature On The Top of My Head Act.” According to Tony Benson, executive director of the World Wildlife Fund, there is only one such creature in existence on the planet. “Protecting this creature, as yet unnamed, has been one of our top priorities for the past 40 or 50 years. It is native to New York City but currently spends most of its time in the nation’s capital while frequently flying to Florida,” said Benson. The creature is thought to be genetically related to the Dodo as well as the Brooklyn Feral Fox.

Numerous attempts have been made to find a suitable mate for the creature, with no success thus far.