Police Request Help In Finding Pain In The Ass Teen

Kitchener, ON

Waterloo Regional Police have requested the public's assistance in finding a 15 year old who is "generally a real pain in the ass," according to Constable Rachel Nillson.

Timothy Janssen of Kitchener left his home at approximately 9:00pm Tuesday night and his parents haven't seen him since. Greg, his father, asserts that "plenty of his friends know where he is, but they are also delinquents who are generally of no use to society, so we can't count on them to let us know where he is."

Timothy Janssen is described as 5'6", 170lbs, and short unkempt dirty blonde hair. He was last seen wearing his odorous Drake t-shirt and frumpy, tattered blue jeans.

"We thought Tim was in his room not doing anything of benefit and trolling liberals on social media like he always does," said his mother Sheila. "We love him, but he really can be a jerk most of the time and we'd appreciate it if he would come home so that we can continue parenting ineffectively."

This is the 7th time police have been called with concern to Janssen.

From Our Waterloo Region Bureau

Local Man Wins 2019 Best Worshiper Award At Festival

Worshipers raise their hand in praise at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

Chattanooga, TN

Sam Brinson has been waiting his whole life for this. On Wednesday afternoon, the 27 year old Nashville resident was informed that he had won this year's prestigious Best Worshiper Award for his performance at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

"I would say that I was overcome by the news, but that would be slightly blasphemous," chuckled the software engineer, husband and father of two. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wanting this award, though."

In an interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, festival organizer Cindy Hallman said that her team has had its eye on Brinson since he was in his teens and attending festivals such as Creation Fest and Kingdom Bound. "It's not just one thing that stands out, it's a whole conglomeration of things," said Hallman. "To be considered for the Best Worshiper Award, a person must fulfill several requirements, including Best Pose including the raising of both hands as well as the closing of both eyes. Also, he or she must be in possession of all 14 of Michael W. Smith's worship albums, as well as those of Third Day and Chris Tomlin. Sam met all these criteria. He even has a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillsongs leader Darlene Zschech in his bedroom."

Brinson, a member of Crux, a modern, rocking "church but not church" on the edge of Nashville, says that his next goal is for the Dove Awards to add a Best Worshiper category in the near future. If and when that happens, "I'll be there."

From Our Nashville Bureau

BREAKING: Sarah Sanders Accepts "Less Racist" Job With KKK

Washington, D.C.

Merely one day after announcing her forthcoming departure as White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders informed news outlets on Friday that she will not be unemployed for long.

Sanders, a polarizing figure in Washington as a chief supporter of President Donald Trump, had not held a White House press briefing in a record 95 days.

On Thursday, Mr. Trump hailed Sanders as  a "warrior" and overtly stated that he hoped she would follower in her father Mike's footsteps and run for Arkansas governor.

However, it seems as if the 36 year old has another job in mind. In a media release obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch on Friday afternoon, Sanders announced that, beginning in August, she will take the helm as the official spokeswoman of the resurgent Ku Klux Klan.

"I was approached by (Grand Wizard) Joseph Hannison back in March of this year, and his offer was one that I couldn't refuse," said Sanders, who eventually succeeded Sean Spicer at the White House. "While I will forever be indebted to President Trump, I felt that at this point in my life I needed to step away and instead become part of a slightly less racist organization. The Klan has a proud history which has been distorted by the fake news media throughout history, and I look forward to rectifying that situation."

While the Ku Klux Klan once boasted a membership of 6,000,000 people in 1924-25 during its second iteration, it is estimated that current membership is now between 5 and 8 thousand people, mostly Caucasian. Sanders said she hopes to buoy its image after "the unfortunate misinterpretation of the events in Charlottesville" in 2017. "These are decent, hardworking men and women who only want to make America great again. The reporting of their anti-Jew and anti-black meetings is largely misconstrued. I'll pull back the veil, or sheet if you will, on the true meaning of the Klan, and show it in its true light, while not white-washing it at the same time."

Sanders will make her exit from the White House by the end of June.

From Our Washington Bureau

BREAKING: Premier Ford Named Grand Marshal Of Raptors Parade

Toronto, ON

Still basking in Thursday night's Game 6 victory and first NBA championship in Toronto history, Raptors fans are receiving puzzling news coming out of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, the conglomerate that owns the team.

Late Friday morning, MLSE chairman Larry Tanenbaum announced via Twitter that he had personally invited Premier Doug Ford to be the Grand Marshal of Monday's Raptors victory parade, which will surely be attended by tens of thousands of fans.

The news comes at a strange time, to be sure. According to a survey released yesterday to CityNews, Ford's approval rating is sitting at a meager 29% after a year of slashing funding to social services, health care, and education.

None of which seems to matter to the elated Progressive Conservative Premier. Ford released a statement Friday morning:

"I am elated to have been invited by my good friends at MLSE to serve as Grand Marshal for the Raptors victory parade. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a deep love for this city and its citizens. See you all on Monday morning!"

In a phone interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, the premier further elaborated on the honour, saying, "I have always dreamed of marching in a parade and handing out candy to onlookers. Folks know that I have always been a giving person. In that light, I will be returning to my Etobicoke roots and will be indiscriminately handing out hashish and other mind-altering drugs to the young and old alike. Crack cocaine will also be available to 'special' guests."

Monday's parade will begin at 10:00 a.m., beginning at Exhibition Place and ending at Nathan Phillips Square in front of Toronto City Hall.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Scheer's Conservatives To Ban Single-Use Condoms If Elected

Ottawa, ON

Mere days before Canadian Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is expected to announce his party's 2019 environmental election platform, details are slowly leaking out.

According to former member of parliament Stephen Woodworth (Kitchener Centre), who is once again seeking election this fall, Scheer will announce that, if elected in October, a Conservative government would ban single-use condoms by 2021.

"Not only will this benefit the environment," said Woodworth, "it also caters to the social conservatives like myself within our party."

Andrew Scheer, a social conservative and practicing Catholic, reportedly sent a memo to MP's on Wednesday stating that "banning single-use condoms will indeed emphasize the beliefs held by myself and many within our party - that birth control is unethical and goes against the truth that sexual activity is solely meant for the purposes of pro-creation."

In a rather surprising counter-move, Scheer promised to cancel Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's plan to ban single-use plastics by 2021, saying in the internal memo that "Saran Wrap can help out a lot of Canadian couples if for some reason they need to prevent pregnancy."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Amber Alert Phone Notifications To Include Missing Pets

Toronto, ON

Ontarians should brace themselves for a significant increase in Amber Alert phone notifications.

Sylvia Jones, Minister of Community Safety & Correctional Services in the current PC government, confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday afternoon that Premier Doug Ford had signed off on the idea.

"As Ontarians know, Mr. Ford and our government are for the people," said Jones. "But we also want to be known as being for the pets of this province."

Beginning in May of this year, every citizen with a smartphone can expect to hear an Amber Alert alarm whenever an animal within a 50 kilometer radius goes missing.

Not everyone will be happy with the significant increase in loud notifications on their phones.

"I've been annoyed when a meal or a TV program has been interrupted on two different occasions recently due to a child missing," said John Tenneson of Markham, Ontario. "I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but this is ridiculous. Anytime Buddy goes missing, what are we supposed to do...file a police report and then annoy millions of Ontarians?"

Ontario Provincial Police constable Devon Ronson predicts that the majority of Ontarians could receive a dozen or more alerts on their phone per day.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau