BREAKING: Trump Blames Mayor of Whoville For Slow Response To Grinch

Washington, D.C.

It seems as though Donald Trump is no fan of the nation's mayors.

Hours after tweeting his displeasure with San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz over her response to the crisis facing Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, the American President took to social media to criticize the mayor of the tiny village of Whoville.

In a series of tweets on Saturday morning, Trump said, "Such poor leadership ability by the Mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico, who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort."

The comments struck up a firestorm of controversy, with actor Lin-Manuel Miranda tweeting,"You're going straight to hell, @realDonaldTrump. No long lines for you. Someone will say, 'Right this way, sir.' They'll clear a path."

Late Saturday evening, Trump was busy tweeting again, this time with strong words for Mayor Augustus Maywho, "Mayor of Whoville should be ashamed of himself for letting Grinch steal all the children's toys. So sad! Brutal leadership!"

Whoville Mayor Augustus Maywho

Whoville, with a population of 842, has seen tragedy strike each and every Christmastime since 1957, when the Grinch, a bitter, grouchy, cave-dwelling creature with a heart two sizes too small comes down from his home on snowy Mount Crumpit in order to steal toys, decorations, and food for Christmas feasts. Though each year he has a change of heart due to exchanges with Whoville resident Cindy Lou, Trump still isn't pleased.

"Very sad that Mayor Maywho can't stop GreenMan from attacking his village. This is what happens when you put a Democrat in office with a record of weak borders!"

As of press time, Mayor Maywho was unavailable for comment.

From Our Washington Bureau

ISIS Leader Breaks Silence, Calls New Shania Twain Album Shitty

ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Damascus, Syria

The leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, seems to have broken his 11-month silence with a long audio message in which he mocks the United States, calls on jihadis to rally against the Syrian regime and insists that Canada is now in its crosshairs after the release of the "shitty" new Shania Twain album.

The Twain album, entitled Now was released on Friday to mixed reviews. AllMusic writes that the album "feels fussy, as if every element was triple-guessed because the pressure to have a triumphant comeback was too great." Consequence of Sound said that "the whole album feels like it has been flattened out for the sake of streaming services. Without the big, chewy hooks, the songs tend to bleed together indistinguishably in hindsight.

But the harshest review came from al-Baghdadi, the reclusive leader of ISIS. In a rambling 45-minute audio track obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, the 46 year old Iraqi calls the album "somewhere between the musical equivalent of a nuclear bomb, and a cure for insomnia." He calls the opening track Swingin' With My Eyes Closed particularly bad. "We've had some pretty shitty songs on Islamic State's Got Talent, but this one takes the cake. It begins with the pathetic lyrics: 'Summer's here, bring it on. Another year, one more beer, another song.' You should see her appearance on Jimmy Fallon, it's truly terrible," says al-Baghdadi. "After a 15 year hiatus, this is the best shit she could come up with? Clearly, Canada has a talent problem."

Prior to releasing the shitty Now, Twain, 52, a native of Timmins, Ontario had major success with hits such as Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Any Man Of Mine, and From This Moment On.

From Our Damascus Bureau

NFL Players Take A Knee To Protest Pumpkin Spice Shortage

Baltimore Ravens players take a knee during the American national anthem
 prior to their game against Jacksonville in London on Sunday.

London

On a Sunday when national anthem protests will be the biggest storyline in the NFL, the first protests occurred thousands of miles away on another continent.

The Jaguars and Ravens kicked off Week 3 in London's Wembley Stadium at 9:30 a.m. ET, and before the game, everyone in attendance, as well as TV viewers across the pond in the America wondered what would happen.

It turns out that many players on both sidelines chose to kneel, while others stood with arms interlocked. Other teams such as the Seahawks and Titans have chosen to remain in their locker rooms during the anthem.

The protests have now spread to Major League Baseball after Oakland Athletics catcher Bruce Maxwell also took a knee before a recent game.

The growing protests stem from a critical shortage of pumpkin spice products at donut shops across America. A fall tradition for several years, coffee and donut chains across the nation typically feature various pumpkin spice flavoured latte’s, muffins, cookies, and donuts in order to celebrate the beginning of Autumn. However, this year, due to the renegotiation of the North American Free Trade Agreement with Canada and Mexico, there is a critical shortage of the popular spice. 72% of pumpkin imports to the United States arrive from Canada, and virtually all of these imports are being held up at the border due to controversial tweets from President Donald Trump.

“Never liked pumpkin spice. Canada has been fleecing U.S. for years, but no more. America First!”

“Lots of Americans addicted to pumpkin spice. Very sad! Huge problem!”

Popular coffee and donut chains such as Dunkin’ Donuts report a drastic drop in business because of the ongoing feud. And professional athletes aren’t happy.

“Each year at the beginning of the football season we rely on Dunkin’ Donuts, Tim Hortons, even McDonald’s to supply us with the pumpkin spiced fuel that we need and love in order to compete effectively on the field. The President is playing politics with our livelihoods,” said Jaguars’ cornerback Jalen Ramsay.

As a result, several NFL athletes have signed with Canadian Football League teams such as the Toronto Argonauts and Hamilton Tiger-Cats. “We have plenty of pumpkin spice up here in Canada and we welcome our American neighbours with open arms,” said CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie.

From Our London Bureau

Woman Arrested After Leaving Newest iPhone In Scorching Car

Tatiana Sheyrdev, 23, is charged with criminal negligence
 after the death of her brand-new iPhone 8 Plus.

Toronto

A 23 year old Toronto woman has been charged with criminal negligence causing technological death after she mistakenly left her brand-new $950 iPhone 8 Plus in her car on a scorching late September day.

Tatiana Sheyrdev left the sleek device on the dashboard of her grey 2016 Prius for 8 hours in 29 degree weather. According to Environment Canada, the humidex that day was 35 degrees.

Sheyrdev, an advertising executive in the downtown district, told a judge at the College Park courthouse that she had been “in a panic all day, wondering where I had left my phone, which is my lifeline,” but that she never imagined she could have been so absent-minded as to leave it in her vehicle.

Around 9am last Thursday, financial advisor Paul Stephens was walking along McCaul Street when he noticed the silver device glimmering under the hot sun with all of the windows rolled up. “At first I didn’t know what to do, so I just walked past the car,” said Stephens. “But when I walked past again after my shift at the bank, it was still there, so I broke the window and tried to save it.”

Technicians at a nearby Best Buy attempted to revive the phone for 30 minutes, to no avail. Police were called shortly after.

The iPhone 8 Plus in question was described as 6.4 inches tall, 3.07 inches in width, and it weighed 7.13 ounces.  It  featured wireless charging and facial recognition software, and had the capacity for 256GB of memory.

In a statement released on Friday, Apple CEO Tim Cook expressed “deep sympathy for all involved in this tragic event.”

From Our Toronto Bureau

Kim Jong-un Threatens U.S. With New Nickelback Album

North Korea is reportedly in talks with Canada concerning the release of a new
Nickelback album across the United States.

Pyongyang, North Korea

The war of words between American President Donald Trump and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un escalated on Friday.

Mere hours after Trump threatened to "destroy North Korea" and called his counterpart "Rocket Man" at the United Nations, Kim responded by stating "I will tame the mentally deranged US dotard with fire."

Later, on Friday evening, North Korean state television issued yet another statement which has greatly raised the fears of the American people. In it, Kim discloses that he has been "working closely with the Canadian ambassador to North Korea, John McReynolds, in order to ensure that a new album by the truly atrocious Canadian band Nickelback will be released clear across the United States should the dotard continue his threats against our great country."

Nickelback, headed by lead vocalist Chad Kroeger, has unleashed utter despair on the world before. They have released nine albums - known to Canadians as weapons of mass destruction - beginning in 1996 with Curb, and most recently in June with Feed The Machine, which sent thousands of deranged listeners to hospitals.

UPDATE: In response to the threat from Pyongyang, Trump is reportedly also talking to Canada in regards to sending Justin Bieber on a North Korean tour.

From Our Seoul Bureau

McCain To Vote Against Pineapple On Pizza

Sen.. John McCain (R-AZ) is picking a fight with the state of Hawaii.

Washington

It seems as though Senator John McCain is unable to vote yes on anything.

Mere hours after announcing that he would be voting no on the Graham-Cassidy bill to repeal Obamacare, the 81 year old Vietnam War veteran released a statement vowing to vote against a controversial Republican plan to endorse pineapple as a topping on pizza.

The bill, sponsored by Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and supported by major pizza chains Dominos and Pizza Hut, would put the government’s stamp of approval on the controversial fruit appearing on pizza pies nationwide.  The legislation enjoys Democratic support as well, particularly from Hawaiian Senators Mazie Hirono and Brian Schatz, who see it as a potential boon for their state.

John McCain begs to differ. In his statement he said, “It was clearly a failure when President Obama tried to push through a similar bill, and this one is no better.  Along with my constituents, I firmly believe that American pizza is all about the pepperoni and cheese, and that pineapple is best kept to fruit cups. But ultimately, the government has no place legislating the appetites of its citizens.”

In response, Hirono and Schatz released a statement suggesting that McCain "should think twice before stepping foot in Honolulu."

From Our Washington Bureau 

Nambian Prime Minister Threatens To Cut Off American Covfefe Supply

Abeeku Mugatu is the first democratically elected leader in Nambia's history (File Photo)

Sankantia, Nambia

Forget about North Korea and the ongoing Russia investigation for a moment. The Prime Minister of The Republic of Nambia has issued a warning to American President Donald Trump, mere days after Trump praised the reclusive nation.

PM Abeeku Mugatu, the first democratically elected leader in Nambia’s illustrious history, vowed on Friday that he would place crippling tariffs on covfefe exports if they are not installed as a full-fledged member of the United Nations immediately.

Nambia is the world’s largest exporter of the popular morning beverage which the American President and his staff consume religiously.  Covfefe, a Nambian word meaning “one who tweets at all hours of the day,” is known primarily for its caffeine content, but health experts have recently warned about disturbing side effects, such as the inability to form complete sentences as well as acute narcissism.

“For too long, my country has shunned the rest of the world, but now after our first democratic elections, my team and I have decided that we must engage with the international community,” said Mugatu. “I am confident that world leaders, particularly Mr. Trump, will push for our inclusion in the UN instead of having us cut off their precious covfefe supply.”

In response, the American President tweeted on Friday afternoon: “Just praised PM Mugatu and Nambia the other day, now threatens me. Very sad. Huge fan of covfefe.”


At press time, no resolution to the matter had been reached.