Ontario Conservatives Rocked As Letter P Announces Resignation

Not only does the party need to scrub Patrick Brown's face off of
 all upcoming election material, now it needs a new logo.

Toronto, ON

Another day, another resignation for the Ontario Tories.

Merely a day after party president Rick Dykstra resigned and only days after leader Patrick Brown also resigned, both over sexual misconduct allegations, caucus and the Conservative membership were left reeling Monday morning over the latest shoe to drop.

In a statement released by his spokesperson in the early morning hours of Monday, the letter P resigned his long-held position as a staple of the party's name. According to sources, P had been doing a great amount of soul-searching since the string of scandals broke.

"I'm not sure what I mean to the party anymore," said P when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch. "For 76 years I had stood for the word progressive, but I'm not sure how progressive it is for two guys (Brown and Dykstra) to be frequenting bars, picking up much younger women, getting them drunk, and making unwanted sexual advances on them."

The party, previously known as the Liberal-Conservative Association of Ontario, changed its name to the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario in 1942.

As of press time, it is not known if P will be replaced or simply phased out. Not only does the party need to scrub Patrick Brown's face off of all upcoming election material, now it needs a new logo.

From Our Queens Park Bureau

BREAKING: Tom Hanks Responds To Latest Allegations

Los Angeles, California

Academy Award winning actor Tom Hanks broke his silence today after the latest shocking allegations that he is both “a very nice guy,” and “a true gentleman to work with.”

The bombshell allegations come amidst the wide-spreading #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, and it is unsure how they will play out in the court of public opinion.

Meg Ryan, who co-starred with the 61 year old actor in Sleepless In Seattle and then again in You’ve Got Mail, told The Sentinel Dispatch earlier this week that Hanks “is a consummate professional. The nice guy that you see on screen is just who he is.” Similarly, Robin Wright, the actress who played Jenny in the massive 1994 hit Forrest Gump made the allegation that Hanks “was so gentlemanly that it made me wonder – are there more men like this?”

For his part, in a hastily called press conference, Hanks stated that he has been overwhelmed by the allegations, but that he wouldn’t deny them. “Although I have been known to say ‘Fudge’ and ‘Shite” a lot on set, and occasionally lose my cool when someone inevitably tells me to "Run, Forrest, Run," I also make it a point to treat female actors with dignity and respect. It’s just who I am.

More to come from this late-breaking story.

From Our Hollywood Bureau

BREAKING: Blue Jays Lure Nolan Ryan Out Of Retirement

Nolan Ryan has a career record of 324-292,
with a 3.19 ERA, and 5714 strikeouts.

Toronto, ON

The Toronto Blue Jays continued their quest to get younger and more athletic on Monday in two separate moves.

First, the club announced that they had signed youngster Curtis Granderson, an outfielder who will be 37 on Opening Day. Granderson, who played for the Mets and the Dodgers last year, will be paid $5 million plus the opportunity for more if he plays a certain amount of games. He hit a whopping .212 last season.

However, the biggest eyebrow-raising move of the day came when Shi Davidi of Sportsnet confirmed that Toronto GM Ross Atkins had convinced All-Star hurler Nolan Ryan to come out of retirement and pitch for the Jays at the age of 70.

Ryan, who has pitched for the New York Mets, California Angels, Houston Astros, and Texas Rangers, has reportedly been working out with current members of the Astros, the team which he currently serves as an executive advisor.

"Nolan and I have had a special friendship for over 20 years," said Atkins. "No one was more eager to give him this opportunity than I was when I heard of his intentions to pitch this year."

According to Davidi, the native Texan will earn $15 million this year, with a $12 million option for 2019.

Ryan joins a Jays pitching staff which includes Marcus Stroman, Joe Biagini, J.A. Happ, Aaron Sanchez, and Marco Estrada. Early plans are to have Biagini pitch out of the bullpen in order to make room for Ryan.

From Our Toronto Bureau

New Warning Out As Tulsa Native Dies While Surfing Facebook

Greg Knox, 44, served two tours of duty in Iraq.

Tulsa, OK

Greg Knox, 44, a life-long resident of Tulsa, died suddenly and unexpectedly on Sunday afternoon while checking his Facebook news feed.

According to friends, Knox, a veteran and father of three, used Facebook sparingly. "Greg was the kind of guy who put family first and he thought that Facebook was an unnecessary distraction," said life-long friend Peter Mikaelson. "Still, he was vulnerable to the things that we are all vulnerable to," said Mikaelson's wife Penny. "Every once in awhile he'd share a picture of a cute kitten or an inspirational quote, even if it was only inspirational to him."

The cause of death was released on Sunday evening after an autopsy. "When we examined Mr. Knox, we found that he died of a massive heart attack. Being a relatively young man and very healthy otherwise,  we decided to check the environmental conditions around him at his time of death," said Tulsa coroner Paul Blanton.

Upon checking Knox's laptop, Blanton discovered that the last thing that the victim had viewed on his laptop was a meme on Facebook imploring people to "Like & Share this post for heart disease awareness."

"Apparently Greg made the fatal mistake of not sharing the meme with his friends, and God or the Universe or whatever you believe in struck him down for not doing so," said his wife Lisa.

Tulsa's emergency responders as well as politicians are now imploring those who use Facebook to Like and Share every meme that exhorts them to do so.

From Our Tulsa Bureau

SOURCE: Evangelist Billy Graham Sucker Punches Son Franklin For Being Complete Dick

Rev. Billy Graham (R) listens to the incoherent ramblings of his son Franklin. (File Photo)

Charlotte, North Carolina

The Sentinel Dispatch has been contacted by numerous sources about a shocking incident involving the Reverends Billy and son Franklin Graham.

According to witnesses, on Saturday as the younger Graham was paying his weekly visit to his elderly father, Billy Graham stood up from his wheelchair and delivered a hefty sucker-punch to the back of Franklin's head. Billy Graham, aged 99 and living in a nursing home in Charlotte, hadn't been able to stand up out of his chair for the last 5 years and is a "man of very few words now," according to staff at Pleasant Valley Retirement Home. Billy Graham, known worldwide for his evangelical efforts and for having the ear of numerous U.S. presidents, was heard to say to his son, "You. Trump. Morons all."

Franklin Graham, 65, has brazenly supported Donald Trump throughout his campaign and even delivered a prayer at the 45th president's inauguration. Billy, however, sought to remain neutral when it came to politics in his day.

Franklin Graham, founder of Samaritan's Purse, has been quoted as saying the following:

• On Donald Trump: "He did everything wrong, politically . . . he offended gays. He offended women. He offended the military. He offended black people. He offended the Hispanic people. He offended everybody! And he became president of the United States. Only God could do that."
• On Muslims: "We are under attack by Muslims at home and abroad. We should stop all immigration of Muslims to the U.S. until this threat with Islam has been settled. Every Muslim that comes into this country has the potential to be radicalized—and they do their killing to honor their religion and Muhammad. During World War 2, we didn’t allow Japanese to immigrate to America, nor did we allow Germans. Why are we allowing Muslims now?"
• On The LGBTQ Community: "This is a full-scale assault against Christianity and the followers of Christ. When prayer is banned from the public square, when our President (Obama) fails to defend biblically defined marriage, and he openly and zealously advocates for gay rights; when legislators rush to overrule existing laws to promote gay marriage; when schools and courts consistently suppress religious freedoms; we know we are locked in a war against the Christian faith, not culture. The architect behind this offensive is none other than Satan himself."

Billy Graham, on the other hand, has previously stated, "I don't want to see religious bigotry in any form. It would disturb me if there was a wedding between the religious fundamentalists and the political right. The hard right has no interest in religion except to manipulate it.”

Hospital officials say that Franklin Graham will be kept overnight for observation.

From Our Charlotte Bureau

Hawaii, Rest Of America On Edge As Bullshit Detector Rings

Honolulu

The state of Hawaii and the rest of the country were on edge Saturday morning.

At approximately 7:45am Eastern Standard Time, millions of Americans received a push notification on their smartphones informing them that the 45th President was about to open his mouth and say something racist or xenophobic.

"I was at McDonald's with my two daughters this morning, and all of a sudden myself and everyone around me were receiving texts," said Gary Alowaha, 41, of Honolulu. "We had heard of the TBD (Trump Bullshit Detector) on the news before, but the text said that this wasn't a drill."

Worried that young children might be within earshot of the President's words, millions of Americans turned off their televisions and radios just to be safe and in order to prevent trauma.

The nation has been on edge since January of last year when Trump took office, but it turns out that Saturday's warning was a false alarm.

"Frankly, we're just relieved that the TBD is fully functional at this point. We anticipate having to use it in the coming days," said Pentagon spokesman John McCraney.

From Our Honolulu Bureau

BREAKING: Alaskan Town Overwhelmingly Votes To Join Canada

Shithole, Alaska has a population of 2,300 people. Shitholers took to the polls on Friday.

Anchorage, Alaska

An Alaskan town has taken an unprecedented step by voting in favour of seceding from the United States and petitioning to join Canada.

On Friday, residents of the small town of Shithole, Alaska, located 30 miles northwest of Anchorage, took to the polls and held a referendum on leaving America. This comes after President Donald Trump reportedly told a group of bipartisan lawmakers that he didn’t want immigrants from shithole countries such as Haiti.

“Our townsfolk have spoken, and overwhelmingly stand in solidarity with the people of Haiti and the continent of Africa,” said Shithole mayor Greg Watson. “We may have an unfortunate name, but we are a proud people, and we will not stand by while our so-called President makes disparaging comments about our Shithole brothers and sisters.”

“I’ve been thinking of moving to Canada ever since the election,” said Mallory Donaldson, 35, a life-long Shithole resident. “This vote today means that I don’t have to leave my home, but can hopefully call myself a Canadian very soon.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted his support on Saturday afternoon: “Canada stands with the people of Shithole, Alaska, and we will find a way to welcome them into our Canadian family.”

From Our Anchorage Bureau

Tim Hortons To Give Away Free Gift Cards Amid Controversy

"This is a major victory for the Canadian worker," said Melissa Thompson,
spokeswoman for the Canadian Union of Food Workers. 

Toronto, ON

After weeks of controversy surrounding its treatment of employees, Tim Hortons Incorporated announced today that it will follow Loblaws lead and issue gift cards to every Canadian citizen who registers for one.

In a hastily arranged press conference on Wednesday afternoon, Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Restaurant Brands International, Tim Hortons parent company, apologized for "failing and disappointing the Canadian public."

The controversy surrounds a number of Tim Hortons franchises response to the increase in Ontario's minimum wage. Several franchise owners have cut paid breaks for their employees, as well as requiring them to pay up to $100 for their own uniforms.

"Tim Hortons is woven into the very fabric of Canadian society," said Schwartz. "Our brand has been tarnished by the actions of a few franchises, and we plan on rectifying that by issuing these gift cards."

Beginning January 15th, each Canadian who is the age of majority can register for a gift card that will cover the cost of 1 Timbit. The card will be valid at any Canadian Tim Hortons location.

"This is a major victory for the Canadian worker," said Melissa Thompson, spokeswoman for the Canadian Union of Food Workers. "The action that Tim Hortons is taking today will definitely restore its image and solidify the loyalty of every Canadian citizen."

From Our Toronto Bureau

Local Couple Undergoes Major Surgery To Disconnect Joint Facebook Account

TomAndMaggie Smithson have known each other since grade school.

Toronto, Ontario

TomAndMaggie Smithson, who have been practically joined at the hip since grade school, underwent complicated and extensive surgery in Toronto on Tuesday afternoon to disconnect their 10 year old joint Facebook account.

According to friends of TomAndMaggie on the popular social media platform, the couple met in the fourth grade in Winnipeg and have been inseparable ever since.

"They dated throughout high school and even kept it up despite going to different universities," said PaulAndTrish Wilson via Facebook Messenger. "When Facebook came around, it was only inevitable that they would be together on it as well. It was really endearing."

However, not everyone who were friends with the Smithson's on Facebook were supportive of their joint account.

"You never really knew if it was Tom or if it was Maggie that was posting pictures of their dachshund, or which one was sharing those inspirational memes that we all love so much," said casual friend Shirley Marritt.

According to doctors at Mount Sinai hospital, both Tom and Maggie are now resting and in stable condition despite all that they've been through.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Jesus Quits Facebook After Repeated Calls To Share Posts

The Lord has sent his last friend request, to the dismay of his billions of Facebook friends.

Boise, Idaho

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that the Lord has abruptly deactivated his Facebook account after facing an existential crisis on the social media platform.

Rev. Tom Polk of Boise said that the Messiah has reluctantly quit Facebook after receiving “countless” messages and memes that exhorted him to “Like and Share if you love Jesus.”

“The King of Kings was faced with a major dilemma,” said Rev. Polk. “Was he supposed to share the memes and thus appear to be vainly loving himself, or was he not supposed to share them and risk going to Hell, which is where non-sharers of these posts inevitably go?”

Christ, who is a 2000 year old Middle Eastern man but forever appears to be a 33-year-old American, will be missed on the popular website.

“No one shared better cat pictures than the Son of God,” said Wilma Gephardt of Flint, Michigan. “He always knew how to cheer up my day with pictures of cats, or poodles dressed in cute sweaters for the winter.”

From Our Boise Bureau