Canadian MP Refuses To Acknowledge Apology For Justin Bieber

Conservative MP Harold Albrecht, a Bieber fan, prefers to remain seated
during any and all apologies to Canadians.

Ottawa

When Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau rose in the House of Commons on Tuesday to offer an historic apology to the LGBTQ community for years of discrimination, all parties rose to their feet in solidarity, save for a few members of the Conservative Party of Canada.

One such person was Kitchener-Conestoga MP Harold Albrecht, who remained seated and afterward said that the Prime Minister went too far when he expressed his support for children discovering their sexual orientation or gender identity as young as the age of six.

As if this action by Albrecht, 68, weren't enough, the former evangelical pastor and dentist also refused to stand and applaud when Trudeau offered a sweeping apology to the Canadian people for the existence of Justin Bieber.

In his apology, Trudeau said that "For too long the Canadian public has been subjected to the 'music' and antics of Stratford native Justin Bieber. Lives have been diminished, relationships have been torn asunder, and eardrums have been subjected to unconscionable material. Children as young as six years old have known for a long time that this is not true music. On behalf of the government of Canada, I sincerely apologize."

However, Albrecht, elected in 2013, refused to rise to his feet after the historic apology. Afterward, he stated that "young children can't possibly know by the age of six whether they think Mr. Bieber's music is an abomination or not. My grandkids for example love Justin. The apology went too far." He then sat down in his chair in the House of Commons, reportedly humming Bieber's hit Love Yourself.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Zimbabwe Lifts Ban On Importing Republican Trophies

"Our proud hunters have been trying to get their hands on Mitch McConnell for years."

Harare, Zimbabwe

It seems as though Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is still pulling the strings even though he is under house arrest.

According to multiple reports, the Zimbabwean dictator, in his waning days as leader, has lifted the long-held ban on importing trophies from America's Republican Party. Hunters will immediately be allowed to bring the carcasses of GOP members back to the African country.

"The lifting of the ban is a long time coming," said Emmerson Mnangagwa, chairman of Mugabe's Zimbabwe African National Union - Patriotic Front party. "Our proud hunters have been trying to get their hands on Mitch McConnell for years. Imagine the price that a Mike Pence or, I'm dreaming here, but Donald Trump would demand on the black market!"

According to multiple Zimbabwean hunters, McConnell, Pence, or even House Speaker Paul Ryan would be worth more than the president himself, considering Trump's mental decline.

White House sources confirm that security around the 45th President has been beefed up significantly.

The ban has been in effect since 2004, when hunters tried unsuccessfully to smuggle the body of President Ronald Reagan into the country.

From Our Harare Bureau

AC/DC's Malcolm Young Forlorn After Ending Up In Heaven

Malcolm Young is inconsolable after ending up in Heaven.

Heaven

Rock and roll fans around the globe are mourning the loss of AC/DC co-founder Malcolm Young, who died at age 64 after a long battle with dementia.

However, it seems the afterlife is not what Young was expecting, and according to witnesses he's quite depressed to find himself with the angels.

"Ever since St. Peter welcomed Malcolm into the pearly gates on Saturday, he's refused to speak to God, and even more surprisingly, he won't join the choir," said Tom Petty, sporting his newly-earned wings.

"Malcolm expected to be living easy and living free, whatever that means," said fellow angel Prince. "He thought he had a season ticket on a one-way ride on the Highway to Hell," said the composer of Purple Rain. "He was certain that he was going down to a party time, and that his friends would be there too," said Chuck Berry.

As it is, there are stop signs and speed limits in Heaven, and Young has been told to slow down on several occasions during his first day in the celestial city. "Malcolm keeps yelling 'Satan, I've paid my dues!' but it's falling on deaf ears," said David Bowie.

The Devil could not be reached for comment as of press time.

From Our Heavenly Bureau

REPORT: Paul Reubens To Replace Kevin Spacey On House Of Cards

Paul Reubens is best known for his portrayal of Pee-Wee Herman.

Los Angeles

At a hastily arranged news conference on Friday evening, Netflix, the producers of the hit show House of Cards, announced that the show would indeed continue on without star Kevin Spacey.

Spacey, who has also starred in various films such as American Beauty and Beyond The Sea, has been under intense scrutiny and condemnation since being accused of sexual harassment or assault in recent days by at least 15 people.

"The role of Frank Underwood will live on, and we believe we've found the perfect person to play him," executive producer William Thomson. "That person is versatile actor Paul Reubens."

Reubens, age 65, is best known for his portrayal of Pee-Wee Herman, and starred in The Pee-Wee Herman Show from 1981-84, and Pee-Wee's Playhouse from 1986-91. He is also the star of feature films Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Big Top Pee-Wee. Since 2006, Reubens has been making cameos and guest appearances in numerous projects, such as Reno 911!, 30 Rock, Dirt, Pushing Daisies, and The Blacklist.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Saskatchewan City Under Fire After Canceling Remembrance Day

Weyburn, SK

A small city in Saskatchewan is coming under fire for essentially forcing its veterans to march in the town’s annual Santa Claus parade instead of holding their own traditional ceremonies on November 11th.

“The cost of November 11th ceremonies, particularly the parade, is a lot more expensive than most people realize,” said Weyburn city councilor Stacey Yancey. “By the time policing costs and traffic diversion are added up, it just isn’t worth it, especially considering the dwindling number of actual war vets.”

According to the Weyburn Legion, there are only 3 living veterans from World War Two left in the city of 11,000. Apparently, that isn’t enough for the Weyburn council.

89 year old World War Two veteran Patrick Mallehan (R)
is astonished by city council's decision.

“It’s a disgrace,” said 89 year old Normandy veteran Patrick Mallehan from his seniors residence. “We fought for our country and this city when it was just a blip on the map, and now they want to erase our sacrifice from history.”

According to Mayor Stephen Downridge, November 11th will be like “any other day, but on the day of the Santa Claus parade (November 25th), Taps and The Last Post will be played by the high school band in between Christmas carols. The traditional moment of silence will be replaced by veterans throwing out candies to joy-filled onlookers.”

This isn’t the first time Weyburn city council has been under fire. Last July they converted the town’s cenotaph into a skate park for kids.

When asked for his viewpoint on the controversial decision, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said that "ultimately it is the city's decision, and it sounds like they are being fiscally prudent to me."

From Our Saskatoon Bureau

Ontario Man Hospitalized After Criticizing Justin Trudeau

Cambridge, ON

An Ontario man has been hospitalized with an “irreparably” sprained index finger after incessantly scrolling through his Facebook feed and pressing the angry emoji each time he came across the name Justin Trudeau.

Peter Tomlinson, a welder from Cambridge and ardent Conservative Party supporter, joined Facebook only two years ago but according to doctors has an unhealthy obsession with the Prime Minister.

“We’ve seen a growing number of index finger injuries since Mr. Trudeau was elected, but Mr. Tomlinson’s is by far the worst,” said Dr. Sanjay Jakarla of Kitchener’s Grand River Hospital. “Apparently it started on election night, but has continued every day since. It seems to affect approximately 45% of grown men who also have an aversion to Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne.”

According to Jakarla, another growing problem is the inability for grown men to correctly pronounce the surname of the Prime Minister. “We’re hearing Turdeau and Trudope the most, so speech therapists have also been brought in."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch, Tomlinson said he would revert to using his middle finger to ignorantly insult the Prime Minister via social media.


From Our Waterloo Region Bureau