Santa To Remain In Small Town Mall Until Past New Years

Bill Smithson (Elgin Mall's Santa Claus)

St. Thomas, Ontario

Residents of southwestern Ontario who missed out on getting pictures of their children with Santa Claus this year still have over a week to go, due to a principled stance by a shopping mall leasing agent in this city of 40,000.

Antoinette Tomasulo heads up the long-standing but struggling Elgin Mall on Wellington Street. She raised some eyebrows this week when she took out an ad in the local newspaper, the Times-Journal, in order to announce that Santa Claus would stay put until January 7th, the date that most Orthodox Christians celebrate Christmas.

"Although currently there are no Orthodox Christian churches here in St. Thomas, we thought that it would go a long way to attracting Orthodox settlers here if we kept Saint Nick in his place until January 7th," said Tomasulo, contacted via Skype by The North American.

Bill Smithson, 72, has been the Elgin Mall's Santa for 17 years, and he admits that business has been slow-going since the mall reopened on Boxing Day. "Initially I was all for the idea, because I can buy my lotto tickets here at the kiosk across the way, and there's great Chinese food at Manchu Wok in the food court, but it's getting lonely." Tomasulo confirmed that Santa's helpers are no longer needed and that parents are urged to "take their own quality pictures on their smartphones if they so choose." Smithson is also "very adept at selfies."

According to long-time city resident Betty Wilhemson, she "can't remember there being even one Orthodox family" in the city - "nor is there any now; this is a complete waste of money."

To date, only two people have had their pictures taken with Smithson, er, Santa Claus, however neither were from Orthodox families. One toddler had just came out from the Galaxy Cinemas and thought Santa looked like a red Chewbacca, and the other was Mr. Smithson's socially-awkward third cousin Steve.

From Our London, Ontario Bureau

Band Members of 98 Degrees Irate Over Climate Change Agreement

Members of American band 98 Degrees took to Twitter Saturday
 to voice their displeasure over the Paris agreement.

Paris

After nearly four years of negotiations, nearly 200 nations adopted the first global pact to fight climate change on Saturday, imploring the world to collectively cut and then eliminate greenhouse gas pollution.

Under the deal, countries will have to publish greenhouse gas reduction targets and revise them upward every five years, while striving to drive down their carbon output "as soon as possible."

The final text of the agreement commits countries to keeping global warming "to well below 2 degrees C" and hopes to limit it to 1.5 C, with the goal of a carbon-neutral world sometime after 2050. 

However, not everyone is happy with the historic Paris agreement. Shortly after being announced by French Foreign Minister and president of the COP21 Laurent Fabius, members of the popular American band 98 Degrees began tweeting their displeasure, as the legally binding document calls for the "immediate disposal of all released albums as well as future appearances of the environmentally harmful band 98 Degrees. In this new age when we are committing to limiting global warming to less than two degrees, the band's continued existence flies in the face of this."

The band formed in 1995 and consists of brothers Nick and Drew Lachey, Jeff Timmons, and Justin Jeffre. They quickly garnered a large fan base among teenage girls and grown men of various sexual persuasions. 

"I don't give a f*** what the entire world says. We're here, we're hot, we're not going anywhere, " tweeted Nick Lachey. "We have no plans to change our name to 1.5 Degrees, despite all the rumors. Just not the same ring to it," said Timmons. 

From Our Paris Bureau

6 Year Old Boy Suspended For Wishing Classmates Happy Holidays

6 year old Tyson Horlang, suspended.

 

London, Ontario

The North American has learned from a distraught parent that a 6 year old student of Immanuel Christian Academy in London, Ontario was sent home today and suspended from the private school effective immediately for wishing his friends Happy Holidays.

Denise Horlang said her son Tyson had previously been warned last year for a rough drawing that resembled the Jewish menorah during arts class.

When reached for comment, ICA principal Todd Stockton told The North American that "there is no place in our school for, frankly pagan and secular greetings of any kind," noting that students are also forbidden from wishing each other a "Good Morning." The phrase "God bless you" is preferred. "The student in question will not be allowed back to the Academy unless he and his family appear before a private meeting of the board, where they will be censured," added Stockton. "We have to take this country back."

From Our London Bureau

Inuit Leader Demands Lyric Change For Christmas Songs

Iqaluit

If Winter Wonderland or The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) happen to be two of your favourite Christmas carols, you might want to prepare yourself for updated versions.

Natan Obed, leader of Canada's 55,000 Inuit peoples,
is demanding a lyric-change to two popular Christmas songs.

On Monday, the president of Tapiriit Kanatami - the organization which gives voice to Canada's 55,000 Inuit people - held a packed news conference stating that his organization is demanding that the lyrics of the two widely-used songs be changed to be inclusive of his people. Natan Obed, 39, president since September, told assembled media that the use of the word eskimo in both songs is "not merely an impolite relic of the past, but a continued demeaning slur that needs to be put to rest; it is morally and culturally reprehensible."

Obed said that after extensive consultation with Inuit peoples living in 53 communities across the Inuvialuit Settlement Region (Northwest Territories), Nunavut, Nunavik (Northern Quebec), and Nunatsiavut (Northern Labrador), the new lyrics of the two Christmas songs would be as follows:

Winter Wonderland:

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Canadian Inuit way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, 
Jack Frost nipping at your nose, 
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, 
And folks dressed up like Canada's proud Inuit peoples, 
But only if they're actually Inuit.

Mr. Obed made headlines during Canada's Grey Cup football week when he called on the CFL's Edmonton Eskimos to change their name.

From Our Iqaluit Bureau

BREAKING: Donald Trump Exits Race For Personal Reasons

Donald Trump announces that he's exiting the 2016 presidential race.

New York

BREAKING: 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has announced in a hastily arranged news conference Saturday afternoon that he is dropping out of the race effective immediately, in order to spend more time with himself.

"The more I look around at my country, I realize that I just don't like any of you," said the 69 year old business magnate. "I mean, I knew prior to this legendary run that I didn't like Mexicans, Muslims, or women - except my wife Melania and my daughters Ivanka and Tiffany, who are great-looking broads by the way, guys. But the last few months have made me realize that once you've seen the greatest - and I look at him every single morning in the mirror, guys - everyone else just seems that much more loser-ish. They're bums, all of them. That includes you (the assembled press and campaign workers). So that's it for this campaign. I'm going to take some time to get to know the best guy that I know even more, and that is myself."

Asked if he would endorse anyone going forward, Trump replied "Oh, I'll still make sure to be on the ticket somehow in some of the upcoming caucuses and primaries, because I can't imagine anyone that comes close to my greatness."

Trump's departure leaves the Republican Party scrambling for a similar progressive voice to take his prominent spot. Many are already pointing to current candidates Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee, with some also saying that Jerry Falwell Jr, president of the liberal Liberty University, should be approached. On Friday, Falwell told the convocation that he "always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in...Let's teach them a lesson if they ever show up here."

From Our New York Bureau

93 Year Old Nebraskan Woman Sues Over Christmas Carol

93 year old Shirley Campbell is suing the composers of
The Christmas Song for a combined $18.6 million.

Omaha

For millions of people around the world, this is the most wonderful time of the year. Snow is glistening, bells ring out, and a feeling of goodwill emanates from even the most hardened stranger.

Christmas used to be Omaha native Shirley Campbell's favourite time of the year as well. Each year she would bake her famous fudge brownies and gingerbread cookies and have the family return to the farm during the holidays.

However, Christmas is shaping up to be completely different this year for the resident of Silver Memories Home on South 101st St. This year she has moved into assisted living, thrown away her Christmas aprons, and vows to not celebrate the holiday again until she "gets (her) fair share."

Campbell had been dreading this Christmas ever since turning 93 years young on August 14th, an event celebrated with family members and a few close friends. The still-active bridge player and knitter cites the popular Christmas carol "The Christmas Song," popularly known as "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire," as the source of her gloom. In the song, penned in 1945 by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé, the last stanza states the following: And so I'm offering this simple phrase/To kids from one to ninety-two/Although it's been said many times, many ways/Merry Christmas to you."

"It was during the Christmas season last year when I was picking up a prescription at my pharmacy that those words came overhead the speakers. They really caused emotional trauma, because I knew that the composers were utilizing ageism and effectively saying that once I hit 93, I was not deserving of having a Merry Christmas," 

Campbell is suing the estates of Wells and Tormé for $9.3 million dollars apiece. Representatives for both families did not respond to requests for interviews by The North American.

From Our Omaha Bureau