Postal Strikes Affecting Conservative MP’s Ability to Send Dick Pics

Conservative MP John Miller has represented Niagara West since 2011.

Niagara Falls, Ontario

As the Canadian Union of Postal Workers continues its rotating strikes throughout Canada, word has it that there has been an unsuspected disruption in the political world.

The union and Canada Post have failed to reach a new agreement despite months of negotiations, leading to postal workers walking out in strategic cities beginning last week.

According to Conservative MP John Miller, who has represented the riding of Niagara West since 2011, the disruption has personally affected him in that he has been unable to send dick pics to his mistress for several days. “I know that I could send them digitally,” said Miller, “but the woman I’m having an illicit affair with prefers hard copies.” Continuing, Miller insisted that "there is nothing embarrassing about sending such pictures," and that he has signed a release form regarding the photos.

Miller’s comments to The Sentinel Dispatch come just one day before news erupted that fellow Conservative MP Tony Clement had sent penis pictures and a video to a suspected woman who turned out to be an extortionist.

When reached on Wednesday afternoon, Conservative Caucus Whip Mark Strahl said that the delay is unfortunate. “Andrew (Scheer) and I realize that our hard-working parliamentarians need certain outlets, and if they don’t have them, we could see a rise in cases of electile dysfunction.”

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Beloved Buddhist Author To Spend Final Days In Hedonist Compound

Thich Nhat Hanh, surrounded by his followers, prepares to leave his village
 in Southern France on Tuesday.

Palos Verdes, California

Buddhists worldwide are expressing shock after beloved spiritual leader, monk, and author Thich Nhat Hanh announced Wednesday that he would spend his final days at a hedonist compound on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

According to a representative, Nhat Hanh, affectionately known to his followers as Thay, expressed his desire to immerse himself in the "bon vivant" lifestyle after a lifetime of restraint and meditation.

Thich Nhat Hanh, aged 92, is the author of such books as Being Peace, Living Buddha Living Christ, and Peace Is Every Step, and has spent several decades living in southern France in a community called Plum Village. However, according to fellow Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, the proponent of mindfulness has already relocated to Palos Verdes Pleasure Seekers Camp (PVPSC), which was founded in 1966.

According to its website, the camp, which boasts 2,500 residents, is clothing optional and holds regular activities such as Swingers Sunday, Naked Twister Tuesdays, and Anything Goes Thursdays. The compound features a "mini Las Vegas-type showroom" where local singers and Elvis impersonators perform on the weekends.

Thich Nhat Hanh is also said to be working on a new book, The Importance of Attachment.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Premier-elect Ford Announces Resignation Six Months From Now

Premier-elect of Ontario, Doug Ford

Etobicoke, ON

In his victory speech on Thursday night, Premier-elect Doug Ford reveled in his party's majority victory in the Ontario election, but he also shocked supporters and Ontarians in general when he announced that he will be resigning within six months time as a result of a growing amount of scandals.

"Tonight the people of Ontario have spoken. People from every corner of this province have sent a clear message, a message of hope and prosperity. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for placing your trust in me," said Ford.

"We will work every single day for the economic prosperity for every single resident in this province...until November 1st when I will be forced to resign from this illustrious position due to multiple scandals in our party and lawsuits involving myself. I promise to work hard for Ontarians until that time."

Approximately 25% of PC Party candidates are involved in scandals or are under investigation for fraud, etc. Ford himself was slapped with a $16.5 million lawsuit by his sister-in-law in the days leading up to the election for withholding money from his late brother Rob's estate, and for running the family business, Deco Labels, into the ground.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Pledges To Keep Family’s Safe Injection Site Open

Toronto, ON

During the first televised Ontario leaders debate which aired on CityTV Toronto on Monday evening, PC Leader Doug Ford was adamant about his objection to safe-injection sites in the province, instead favouring investing money into “rehabilitation.”

However, when pressed by the media afterward, the divisive leader confirmed that he would make an exception when it came to his own family. “We’ve had a safe-injection site in my mother’s basement since the 80’s, and I can’t foresee that changing under a PC government.”

Ford, a former drug dealer and enabler of his brother Rob’s crack cocaine habit, said that “family is of utmost important to me, and there are some traditions that I am unwilling to relinquish.”

According to a close family friend, the Ford’s gather on Sunday afternoons for barbecues while gently consoling one another by watching old video tapes of the former mayor of Toronto in incoherent states of reality. “I can not support the drug habits of addicted Ontarians,” said Ford. "However, I can make sure that my family traditions continue. We'll need a place where we can hash things out together in a sterile, clean environment, especially during the next month of campaigning."

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Kathleen Wynne Sought Lifetime Premier Role

Toronto, ON

According to a leaked Liberal party memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne sought to retain her position for life as recently as six weeks ago.

In the memo to party officials, Wynne suggests that "this province simply can't afford an election at this point; moreover, it would be in Ontarians best interests if they had stability in this position long-term."

The 2011 Ontario Election cost taxpayers $79.2 million dollars.

According to a Liberal party official who spoke with The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, Wynne went as far as consulting with the Lieutenant-General of Ontario as to the legality of such a proposition.

"I'm not surprised that Kathleen would want to hold onto power indefinitely," said the source who has worked at Queens Park for the past two years. "She feels that she was part of getting this province in the mess that it is currently in, and thus she feels obligated to be around for the long haul in order to fix things."

Under the Dalton McGuinty/Kathleen Wynne Liberals, Ontario has seen a disastrous fire sale of Hydro One, a doubling of the provincial debt, a billion dollar eHealth boondoggle, and a gas plant scandal that has cost Ontarians over $1 billion dollars to date.

Reaction to the news has been swift and stinging. Lloyd McClintock, 64, of Tavistock called the report "more than troubling. If this were ever to come to pass, people of all political stripes would be marching on Queens Park, mad as hell." Wendy Lampson, 56, of Ajax said "this isn't China. Our leaders can't simply decide that they will hold power forever."

Last week, Chinese President Xi Jingpin was reappointed with no limit on the number of terms he can serve.

Premier Wynne's office refused to comment on the story prior to publication.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Andrea Horwath Promises Free Kitten To Every Ontarian If Elected

Toronto, ON

The 2018 Ontario election is fast approaching, and with it, the political promises are ramping up.

At an event in Toronto on Saturday, New Democrats from across Ontario gave leader Andrea Horwath a heroes welcome.

She promised to give them plenty in return.

Horwath, 55, and leader of the party since 2009, told a roaring crowd that if elected, an NDP government would offer pharmacare and dental care for all, as well as converting student loans into grants.

Her next announcement raised some eyebrows.

"When a New Democratic government is elected this spring, as Premier I will make sure that every Ontarian is provided with their own kitten," said Horwath.

"We have far too many strays and unwanted cats that are wasting away in our shelters and homes; as Ontarians we can do better."

Horwath also stated that the kitten initiative was part of her party's plan to improve the mental health system in the province.

"We have a mental health crisis in Ontario, with thousands of people suffering and too few doctors and resources to help them. Studies have repeatedly shown that cat-owners are at least 42% less depressed, and that simply petting a cat regularly can reduce anxiety by as much as 83%."

Reactions to Horwath's announcement were mixed.

"This is fantastic news both for our cat population as well as for Ontarians," said Martha Tomlinson, executive director at Bloor Street Animal Aid in Toronto. "Currently we are overrun with kitties just looking for a decent home."

Nicholas Stanson, a party member for 25 years, confessed that he was underwhelmed by the announcement. "I'm more of a dog person. If Andrea had said everyone was getting a Jack Russell, that would have been different."

Ontarians are expected to head to the polls in early June.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Promises Wall Between Etobicoke, Rest Of Toronto

Toronto, ON

Merely hours after taking the reins of Ontario's Progressive Conservative Party, newly minted leader Doug Ford made a major policy announcement at a hastily arranged news conference on Sunday evening.

Ford, 53, was victorious over main rival Christine Elliott on the final ballot of contention. After initially contesting the results, Ms. Elliott earlier on Sunday pledged her support of Ford.

However, the divisive new leader raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he announced that part of his plan for Ontario, should he be elected Premier, is to build a wall between his home base of Etobicoke and the rest of the city of Toronto.

"I am proud to be the one taking this party into the upcoming election to defeat Kathleen Wynne, but we have to be careful not to become too progressive." Erecting a wall along the border of Etobicoke and the rest of Toronto will make sure that all these Toronto liberals will be kept out of our staunchly conservative area."

Estimates on the cost of such a wall range from $5 billion to $10 billion dollars. Asked how Ontario could afford such an undertaking, the leader said, "We will build the wall and the elites and the rest of Toronto will pay for it. This will also keep drugs from entering my beloved home of Etobicoke."

From Our Toronto Bureau

BREAKING: Polkaroo Named Leader Of Ontario PC Party

Markham, ON

In a stunning turn of events on Saturday evening, Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario officials named media personality Polkaroo as its next leader.

After leadership hopeful Christine Elliott refused to concede to apparent winner Doug Ford, Hartley Lefton, chair of the PC leadership election committee, told the packed convention centre in Markham, Ont. that the party could not afford to go without a leader any longer, and therefore was naming the star of TVO's Polka Dot Door to the position.

"We have been preparing for this scenario for some time now," said Lefton. "Ideally it would be left to party members to decide who the next leader would be, but unfortunately this dumpster fire of a party executive couldn't get the job done; therefore, we have taken this drastic action this evening."

Polkaroo, 47, made his debut on Canadian children's television in 1971.

"We needed someone that has high favourable numbers and can connect with Ontarians of all ages," said Shirley Johnson, a member of the election committee. Polkaroo is the strong, silent type who will get the job done and who will defeat Kathleen Wynne in the upcoming election."

As of press time, Polkaroo could not be reached for comment.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Green Party Leader Resigns After Family Fails To Recognize Him

File photo believed to be former Green Party of Ontario
Leader Mike Schreiner

Guelph, ON

The Green Party of Ontario is looking for a new leader after its former helmsman failed to gain traction even among his closest friends and family.

Mike Schreiner, leader of the environmentally-conscious party since 2009, announced his resignation on Tuesday at a press conference attended by a handful of high school students who gladly partook of the provided sandwiches and Coca-Cola.

Schreiner, 48, represented the Green Party in one by-election and two provincial general elections, losing all three times.

Holding back tears, Schreiner, a Kansas native, recalled the moment when he knew he had to make a change. "Over the last few years, fewer and fewer of my friends were calling me or even making eye contact on the street. It all came to a head, though, this past weekend when I walked into my house in Guelph, and my wife Sandy and my two daughters didn't even recognize me." Guelph Police confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that they received a 911 call on Sunday saying there was a "strange man wandering around (the homeowner's) kitchen, making himself at home."

Schreiner is temporarily living at the Days Inn in Guelph under the pseudonym Mike Schreiner, so as to not be bothered by the press.

From Our Guelph Bureau

Conservative MP Says Life Begins Before Conception

Ottawa, ON

Amidst a growing controversy surrounding the Liberal government’s decision to withhold funding for groups that hold to a pro-life stance, at least one Conservative MP is taking the issue to an unprecedented place.

Conservative MP Brad Trost (Saskatoon-University) held a news conference on Tuesday, where he told reporters that not only is the Liberals stance on funding against religious freedom, but that he will introduce a private members bill asserting that life begins before conception.

“Abortion is a terrible stain on Canadian society,” said Trost, who lost to Andrew Scheer in the recent Conservative leadership race. "Since 1988 the amount of babies murdered legally has been staggering. Not only should abortion be illegal, but thinking about abortion should be against the law as well. There has been debate for decades about when life truly begins. Some people say it is a few weeks into a pregnancy, others say it isn’t until the time of birth, but I and many of my colleagues say that life begins even before conception.”

“Our position is entirely biblical,” said Trost. “In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples that if a man even looks lustfully at a woman, it is as if he has committed adultery with her. It goes without saying then that if a couple even thinks about having a child, that baby is already being woven together in the mother’s womb, even if there’s no physical evidence. Therefore, any thoughts of aborting a baby, even before technical conception, should be a punishable offence.”

Representatives with the pro-life group National Right To Life Committee of Canada were ecstatic  when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch: “It is about time that our lawmakers stand up and defend the unborn and demand purity of thought in all forms,” said Christopher Wembley. “Abortion is never okay, not even as a concept.”


From Our Ottawa Bureau

Canadian Olympians To Compete Under Liberal Flag

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says the Canadian flag is too ambiguous.

Ottawa, ON

In a move destined to divide Canadians, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced during a town hall in Peterborough, Ontario today that the country's Olympians will compete under the Liberal flag.

"When the world sees Canadians in Pyeongchang, we want them to see that our country has an inclusive, diverse government," said Trudeau.

When asked by a local citizen about the necessity for the change, the prime minister said that the maple leaf is "too ambiguous" and doesn't overtly promote the government's agenda, such as accepting more refugees from hot spots around the world.

"When attendees, or even people watching on television or online see the letter L, they will know that it stands for Liberal, and to me, Liberal means that we welcome anyone into our country," said Trudeau.

Olympic flagbearers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir were divided when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Saturday afternoon. While Moir said that "this isn't what I signed up for," Virtue asserted that "the Liberal colours are the same as Canadian colours, and that's what really matters in the end."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

REPORT: Liberal MP Proposes "Gods Keep Our Land"

Liberal MP Scott Brison is proposing two new versions of O Canada.

Ottawa, ON

Mere days after the Canadian Senate voted to change the lyrics of the national anthem from "in all thy sons command" to "in all of us command" in order to become more gender inclusive, a Liberal MP has caused an uproar by suggesting that religious plurality also be recognized in O Canada.

In an exclusive interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, Liberal MP Scott Brison (Kings-Hants) confirmed that he will propose legislation in the House of Commons this fall that would change "God keep our land" to "Gods keep our land."

"It is well past time that our national anthem reflects the religious diversity of our citizenry," said Brison. "Canada is no longer a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) nation, we haven't been for a long time. We are a nation of Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Christians, the list goes on and on. This change only makes sense."

When asked about the growing atheist and agnostic populations in Canada, Brison suggested that a second version of the anthem could be commissioned which would read "Love keep our land."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Wiarton Willie Predicts Four More Years Of Liberal Rule

Wiarton, ON

Those hoping for a change of government in Ontario will have to wait at least four more years.

Wiarton Willie, the electoral prognosticator, emerged from his lair on Friday and declared that the scandal-ridden Progressive Conservatives will lose the upcoming election, finishing in a distant third.

As is customary, the handsome groundhog was presented with pictures of the three main political party leaders - the Liberals Kathleen Wynne, the NDP's Andrea Horwath, and interim PC leader Vic Fedeli. Whichever picture Willie pees on first is virtually guaranteed to win the next election. Willie promptly peed on Premier Kathleen Wynne's photo, followed by Ms. Horwath's.

"Obviously the Tories cannot catch a break right now," said South Bruce Peninsula Mayor Janice Jackson. "It appears as though Willie didn't even recognize Mr. Fedeli. We can only guess what would have happened if Doug Ford's picture had been available."

Wiarton Willie has correctly predicted the outcomes of the last 12 provincial elections.

From Our Wiarton Bureau

Ontario Conservatives Rocked As Letter P Announces Resignation

Not only does the party need to scrub Patrick Brown's face off of
 all upcoming election material, now it needs a new logo.

Toronto, ON

Another day, another resignation for the Ontario Tories.

Merely a day after party president Rick Dykstra resigned and only days after leader Patrick Brown also resigned, both over sexual misconduct allegations, caucus and the Conservative membership were left reeling Monday morning over the latest shoe to drop.

In a statement released by his spokesperson in the early morning hours of Monday, the letter P resigned his long-held position as a staple of the party's name. According to sources, P had been doing a great amount of soul-searching since the string of scandals broke.

"I'm not sure what I mean to the party anymore," said P when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch. "For 76 years I had stood for the word progressive, but I'm not sure how progressive it is for two guys (Brown and Dykstra) to be frequenting bars, picking up much younger women, getting them drunk, and making unwanted sexual advances on them."

The party, previously known as the Liberal-Conservative Association of Ontario, changed its name to the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario in 1942.

As of press time, it is not known if P will be replaced or simply phased out. Not only does the party need to scrub Patrick Brown's face off of all upcoming election material, now it needs a new logo.

From Our Queens Park Bureau

BREAKING: Tom Hanks Responds To Latest Allegations

Los Angeles, California

Academy Award winning actor Tom Hanks broke his silence today after the latest shocking allegations that he is both “a very nice guy,” and “a true gentleman to work with.”

The bombshell allegations come amidst the wide-spreading #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, and it is unsure how they will play out in the court of public opinion.

Meg Ryan, who co-starred with the 61 year old actor in Sleepless In Seattle and then again in You’ve Got Mail, told The Sentinel Dispatch earlier this week that Hanks “is a consummate professional. The nice guy that you see on screen is just who he is.” Similarly, Robin Wright, the actress who played Jenny in the massive 1994 hit Forrest Gump made the allegation that Hanks “was so gentlemanly that it made me wonder – are there more men like this?”

For his part, in a hastily called press conference, Hanks stated that he has been overwhelmed by the allegations, but that he wouldn’t deny them. “Although I have been known to say ‘Fudge’ and ‘Shite” a lot on set, and occasionally lose my cool when someone inevitably tells me to "Run, Forrest, Run," I also make it a point to treat female actors with dignity and respect. It’s just who I am.

More to come from this late-breaking story.

From Our Hollywood Bureau

BREAKING: Blue Jays Lure Nolan Ryan Out Of Retirement

Nolan Ryan has a career record of 324-292,
with a 3.19 ERA, and 5714 strikeouts.

Toronto, ON

The Toronto Blue Jays continued their quest to get younger and more athletic on Monday in two separate moves.

First, the club announced that they had signed youngster Curtis Granderson, an outfielder who will be 37 on Opening Day. Granderson, who played for the Mets and the Dodgers last year, will be paid $5 million plus the opportunity for more if he plays a certain amount of games. He hit a whopping .212 last season.

However, the biggest eyebrow-raising move of the day came when Shi Davidi of Sportsnet confirmed that Toronto GM Ross Atkins had convinced All-Star hurler Nolan Ryan to come out of retirement and pitch for the Jays at the age of 70.

Ryan, who has pitched for the New York Mets, California Angels, Houston Astros, and Texas Rangers, has reportedly been working out with current members of the Astros, the team which he currently serves as an executive advisor.

"Nolan and I have had a special friendship for over 20 years," said Atkins. "No one was more eager to give him this opportunity than I was when I heard of his intentions to pitch this year."

According to Davidi, the native Texan will earn $15 million this year, with a $12 million option for 2019.

Ryan joins a Jays pitching staff which includes Marcus Stroman, Joe Biagini, J.A. Happ, Aaron Sanchez, and Marco Estrada. Early plans are to have Biagini pitch out of the bullpen in order to make room for Ryan.

From Our Toronto Bureau

New Warning Out As Tulsa Native Dies While Surfing Facebook

Greg Knox, 44, served two tours of duty in Iraq.

Tulsa, OK

Greg Knox, 44, a life-long resident of Tulsa, died suddenly and unexpectedly on Sunday afternoon while checking his Facebook news feed.

According to friends, Knox, a veteran and father of three, used Facebook sparingly. "Greg was the kind of guy who put family first and he thought that Facebook was an unnecessary distraction," said life-long friend Peter Mikaelson. "Still, he was vulnerable to the things that we are all vulnerable to," said Mikaelson's wife Penny. "Every once in awhile he'd share a picture of a cute kitten or an inspirational quote, even if it was only inspirational to him."

The cause of death was released on Sunday evening after an autopsy. "When we examined Mr. Knox, we found that he died of a massive heart attack. Being a relatively young man and very healthy otherwise,  we decided to check the environmental conditions around him at his time of death," said Tulsa coroner Paul Blanton.

Upon checking Knox's laptop, Blanton discovered that the last thing that the victim had viewed on his laptop was a meme on Facebook imploring people to "Like & Share this post for heart disease awareness."

"Apparently Greg made the fatal mistake of not sharing the meme with his friends, and God or the Universe or whatever you believe in struck him down for not doing so," said his wife Lisa.

Tulsa's emergency responders as well as politicians are now imploring those who use Facebook to Like and Share every meme that exhorts them to do so.

From Our Tulsa Bureau

SOURCE: Evangelist Billy Graham Sucker Punches Son Franklin For Being Complete Dick

Rev. Billy Graham (R) listens to the incoherent ramblings of his son Franklin. (File Photo)

Charlotte, North Carolina

The Sentinel Dispatch has been contacted by numerous sources about a shocking incident involving the Reverends Billy and son Franklin Graham.

According to witnesses, on Saturday as the younger Graham was paying his weekly visit to his elderly father, Billy Graham stood up from his wheelchair and delivered a hefty sucker-punch to the back of Franklin's head. Billy Graham, aged 99 and living in a nursing home in Charlotte, hadn't been able to stand up out of his chair for the last 5 years and is a "man of very few words now," according to staff at Pleasant Valley Retirement Home. Billy Graham, known worldwide for his evangelical efforts and for having the ear of numerous U.S. presidents, was heard to say to his son, "You. Trump. Morons all."

Franklin Graham, 65, has brazenly supported Donald Trump throughout his campaign and even delivered a prayer at the 45th president's inauguration. Billy, however, sought to remain neutral when it came to politics in his day.

Franklin Graham, founder of Samaritan's Purse, has been quoted as saying the following:

• On Donald Trump: "He did everything wrong, politically . . . he offended gays. He offended women. He offended the military. He offended black people. He offended the Hispanic people. He offended everybody! And he became president of the United States. Only God could do that."
• On Muslims: "We are under attack by Muslims at home and abroad. We should stop all immigration of Muslims to the U.S. until this threat with Islam has been settled. Every Muslim that comes into this country has the potential to be radicalized—and they do their killing to honor their religion and Muhammad. During World War 2, we didn’t allow Japanese to immigrate to America, nor did we allow Germans. Why are we allowing Muslims now?"
• On The LGBTQ Community: "This is a full-scale assault against Christianity and the followers of Christ. When prayer is banned from the public square, when our President (Obama) fails to defend biblically defined marriage, and he openly and zealously advocates for gay rights; when legislators rush to overrule existing laws to promote gay marriage; when schools and courts consistently suppress religious freedoms; we know we are locked in a war against the Christian faith, not culture. The architect behind this offensive is none other than Satan himself."

Billy Graham, on the other hand, has previously stated, "I don't want to see religious bigotry in any form. It would disturb me if there was a wedding between the religious fundamentalists and the political right. The hard right has no interest in religion except to manipulate it.”

Hospital officials say that Franklin Graham will be kept overnight for observation.

From Our Charlotte Bureau

Hawaii, Rest Of America On Edge As Bullshit Detector Rings

Honolulu

The state of Hawaii and the rest of the country were on edge Saturday morning.

At approximately 7:45am Eastern Standard Time, millions of Americans received a push notification on their smartphones informing them that the 45th President was about to open his mouth and say something racist or xenophobic.

"I was at McDonald's with my two daughters this morning, and all of a sudden myself and everyone around me were receiving texts," said Gary Alowaha, 41, of Honolulu. "We had heard of the TBD (Trump Bullshit Detector) on the news before, but the text said that this wasn't a drill."

Worried that young children might be within earshot of the President's words, millions of Americans turned off their televisions and radios just to be safe and in order to prevent trauma.

The nation has been on edge since January of last year when Trump took office, but it turns out that Saturday's warning was a false alarm.

"Frankly, we're just relieved that the TBD is fully functional at this point. We anticipate having to use it in the coming days," said Pentagon spokesman John McCraney.

From Our Honolulu Bureau

BREAKING: Alaskan Town Overwhelmingly Votes To Join Canada

Shithole, Alaska has a population of 2,300 people. Shitholers took to the polls on Friday.

Anchorage, Alaska

An Alaskan town has taken an unprecedented step by voting in favour of seceding from the United States and petitioning to join Canada.

On Friday, residents of the small town of Shithole, Alaska, located 30 miles northwest of Anchorage, took to the polls and held a referendum on leaving America. This comes after President Donald Trump reportedly told a group of bipartisan lawmakers that he didn’t want immigrants from shithole countries such as Haiti.

“Our townsfolk have spoken, and overwhelmingly stand in solidarity with the people of Haiti and the continent of Africa,” said Shithole mayor Greg Watson. “We may have an unfortunate name, but we are a proud people, and we will not stand by while our so-called President makes disparaging comments about our Shithole brothers and sisters.”

“I’ve been thinking of moving to Canada ever since the election,” said Mallory Donaldson, 35, a life-long Shithole resident. “This vote today means that I don’t have to leave my home, but can hopefully call myself a Canadian very soon.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted his support on Saturday afternoon: “Canada stands with the people of Shithole, Alaska, and we will find a way to welcome them into our Canadian family.”

From Our Anchorage Bureau

Tim Hortons To Give Away Free Gift Cards Amid Controversy

"This is a major victory for the Canadian worker," said Melissa Thompson,
spokeswoman for the Canadian Union of Food Workers. 

Toronto, ON

After weeks of controversy surrounding its treatment of employees, Tim Hortons Incorporated announced today that it will follow Loblaws lead and issue gift cards to every Canadian citizen who registers for one.

In a hastily arranged press conference on Wednesday afternoon, Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Restaurant Brands International, Tim Hortons parent company, apologized for "failing and disappointing the Canadian public."

The controversy surrounds a number of Tim Hortons franchises response to the increase in Ontario's minimum wage. Several franchise owners have cut paid breaks for their employees, as well as requiring them to pay up to $100 for their own uniforms.

"Tim Hortons is woven into the very fabric of Canadian society," said Schwartz. "Our brand has been tarnished by the actions of a few franchises, and we plan on rectifying that by issuing these gift cards."

Beginning January 15th, each Canadian who is the age of majority can register for a gift card that will cover the cost of 1 Timbit. The card will be valid at any Canadian Tim Hortons location.

"This is a major victory for the Canadian worker," said Melissa Thompson, spokeswoman for the Canadian Union of Food Workers. "The action that Tim Hortons is taking today will definitely restore its image and solidify the loyalty of every Canadian citizen."

From Our Toronto Bureau

Local Couple Undergoes Major Surgery To Disconnect Joint Facebook Account

TomAndMaggie Smithson have known each other since grade school.

Toronto, Ontario

TomAndMaggie Smithson, who have been practically joined at the hip since grade school, underwent complicated and extensive surgery in Toronto on Tuesday afternoon to disconnect their 10 year old joint Facebook account.

According to friends of TomAndMaggie on the popular social media platform, the couple met in the fourth grade in Winnipeg and have been inseparable ever since.

"They dated throughout high school and even kept it up despite going to different universities," said PaulAndTrish Wilson via Facebook Messenger. "When Facebook came around, it was only inevitable that they would be together on it as well. It was really endearing."

However, not everyone who were friends with the Smithson's on Facebook were supportive of their joint account.

"You never really knew if it was Tom or if it was Maggie that was posting pictures of their dachshund, or which one was sharing those inspirational memes that we all love so much," said casual friend Shirley Marritt.

According to doctors at Mount Sinai hospital, both Tom and Maggie are now resting and in stable condition despite all that they've been through.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Jesus Quits Facebook After Repeated Calls To Share Posts

The Lord has sent his last friend request, to the dismay of his billions of Facebook friends.

Boise, Idaho

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that the Lord has abruptly deactivated his Facebook account after facing an existential crisis on the social media platform.

Rev. Tom Polk of Boise said that the Messiah has reluctantly quit Facebook after receiving “countless” messages and memes that exhorted him to “Like and Share if you love Jesus.”

“The King of Kings was faced with a major dilemma,” said Rev. Polk. “Was he supposed to share the memes and thus appear to be vainly loving himself, or was he not supposed to share them and risk going to Hell, which is where non-sharers of these posts inevitably go?”

Christ, who is a 2000 year old Middle Eastern man but forever appears to be a 33-year-old American, will be missed on the popular website.

“No one shared better cat pictures than the Son of God,” said Wilma Gephardt of Flint, Michigan. “He always knew how to cheer up my day with pictures of cats, or poodles dressed in cute sweaters for the winter.”

From Our Boise Bureau