Green Party Leader Resigns After Family Fails To Recognize Him

File photo believed to be former Green Party of Ontario
Leader Mike Schreiner

Guelph, ON

The Green Party of Ontario is looking for a new leader after its former helmsman failed to gain traction even among his closest friends and family.

Mike Schreiner, leader of the environmentally-conscious party since 2009, announced his resignation on Tuesday at a press conference attended by a handful of high school students who gladly partook of the provided sandwiches and Coca-Cola.

Schreiner, 48, represented the Green Party in one by-election and two provincial general elections, losing all three times.

Holding back tears, Schreiner, a Kansas native, recalled the moment when he knew he had to make a change. "Over the last few years, fewer and fewer of my friends were calling me or even making eye contact on the street. It all came to a head, though, this past weekend when I walked into my house in Guelph, and my wife Sandy and my two daughters didn't even recognize me." Guelph Police confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that they received a 911 call on Sunday saying there was a "strange man wandering around (the homeowner's) kitchen, making himself at home."

Schreiner is temporarily living at the Days Inn in Guelph under the pseudonym Mike Schreiner, so as to not be bothered by the press.

From Our Guelph Bureau

Conservative MP Says Life Begins Before Conception

Ottawa, ON

Amidst a growing controversy surrounding the Liberal government’s decision to withhold funding for groups that hold to a pro-life stance, at least one Conservative MP is taking the issue to an unprecedented place.

Conservative MP Brad Trost (Saskatoon-University) held a news conference on Tuesday, where he told reporters that not only is the Liberals stance on funding against religious freedom, but that he will introduce a private members bill asserting that life begins before conception.

“Abortion is a terrible stain on Canadian society,” said Trost, who lost to Andrew Scheer in the recent Conservative leadership race. "Since 1988 the amount of babies murdered legally has been staggering. Not only should abortion be illegal, but thinking about abortion should be against the law as well. There has been debate for decades about when life truly begins. Some people say it is a few weeks into a pregnancy, others say it isn’t until the time of birth, but I and many of my colleagues say that life begins even before conception.”

“Our position is entirely biblical,” said Trost. “In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples that if a man even looks lustfully at a woman, it is as if he has committed adultery with her. It goes without saying then that if a couple even thinks about having a child, that baby is already being woven together in the mother’s womb, even if there’s no physical evidence. Therefore, any thoughts of aborting a baby, even before technical conception, should be a punishable offence.”

Representatives with the pro-life group National Right To Life Committee of Canada were ecstatic  when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch: “It is about time that our lawmakers stand up and defend the unborn and demand purity of thought in all forms,” said Christopher Wembley. “Abortion is never okay, not even as a concept.”


From Our Ottawa Bureau

Canadian Olympians To Compete Under Liberal Flag

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says the Canadian flag is too ambiguous.

Ottawa, ON

In a move destined to divide Canadians, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced during a town hall in Peterborough, Ontario today that the country's Olympians will compete under the Liberal flag.

"When the world sees Canadians in Pyeongchang, we want them to see that our country has an inclusive, diverse government," said Trudeau.

When asked by a local citizen about the necessity for the change, the prime minister said that the maple leaf is "too ambiguous" and doesn't overtly promote the government's agenda, such as accepting more refugees from hot spots around the world.

"When attendees, or even people watching on television or online see the letter L, they will know that it stands for Liberal, and to me, Liberal means that we welcome anyone into our country," said Trudeau.

Olympic flagbearers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir were divided when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Saturday afternoon. While Moir said that "this isn't what I signed up for," Virtue asserted that "the Liberal colours are the same as Canadian colours, and that's what really matters in the end."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

REPORT: Liberal MP Proposes "Gods Keep Our Land"

Liberal MP Scott Brison is proposing two new versions of O Canada.

Ottawa, ON

Mere days after the Canadian Senate voted to change the lyrics of the national anthem from "in all thy sons command" to "in all of us command" in order to become more gender inclusive, a Liberal MP has caused an uproar by suggesting that religious plurality also be recognized in O Canada.

In an exclusive interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, Liberal MP Scott Brison (Kings-Hants) confirmed that he will propose legislation in the House of Commons this fall that would change "God keep our land" to "Gods keep our land."

"It is well past time that our national anthem reflects the religious diversity of our citizenry," said Brison. "Canada is no longer a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) nation, we haven't been for a long time. We are a nation of Sikhs, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Christians, the list goes on and on. This change only makes sense."

When asked about the growing atheist and agnostic populations in Canada, Brison suggested that a second version of the anthem could be commissioned which would read "Love keep our land."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Wiarton Willie Predicts Four More Years Of Liberal Rule

Wiarton, ON

Those hoping for a change of government in Ontario will have to wait at least four more years.

Wiarton Willie, the electoral prognosticator, emerged from his lair on Friday and declared that the scandal-ridden Progressive Conservatives will lose the upcoming election, finishing in a distant third.

As is customary, the handsome groundhog was presented with pictures of the three main political party leaders - the Liberals Kathleen Wynne, the NDP's Andrea Horwath, and interim PC leader Vic Fedeli. Whichever picture Willie pees on first is virtually guaranteed to win the next election. Willie promptly peed on Premier Kathleen Wynne's photo, followed by Ms. Horwath's.

"Obviously the Tories cannot catch a break right now," said South Bruce Peninsula Mayor Janice Jackson. "It appears as though Willie didn't even recognize Mr. Fedeli. We can only guess what would have happened if Doug Ford's picture had been available."

Wiarton Willie has correctly predicted the outcomes of the last 12 provincial elections.

From Our Wiarton Bureau