Police Request Help In Finding Pain In The Ass Teen

Kitchener, ON

Waterloo Regional Police have requested the public's assistance in finding a 15 year old who is "generally a real pain in the ass," according to Constable Rachel Nillson.

Timothy Janssen of Kitchener left his home at approximately 9:00pm Tuesday night and his parents haven't seen him since. Greg, his father, asserts that "plenty of his friends know where he is, but they are also delinquents who are generally of no use to society, so we can't count on them to let us know where he is."

Timothy Janssen is described as 5'6", 170lbs, and short unkempt dirty blonde hair. He was last seen wearing his odorous Drake t-shirt and frumpy, tattered blue jeans.

"We thought Tim was in his room not doing anything of benefit and trolling liberals on social media like he always does," said his mother Sheila. "We love him, but he really can be a jerk most of the time and we'd appreciate it if he would come home so that we can continue parenting ineffectively."

This is the 7th time police have been called with concern to Janssen.

From Our Waterloo Region Bureau

Local Man Wins 2019 Best Worshiper Award At Festival

Worshipers raise their hand in praise at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

Chattanooga, TN

Sam Brinson has been waiting his whole life for this. On Wednesday afternoon, the 27 year old Nashville resident was informed that he had won this year's prestigious Best Worshiper Award for his performance at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

"I would say that I was overcome by the news, but that would be slightly blasphemous," chuckled the software engineer, husband and father of two. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wanting this award, though."

In an interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, festival organizer Cindy Hallman said that her team has had its eye on Brinson since he was in his teens and attending festivals such as Creation Fest and Kingdom Bound. "It's not just one thing that stands out, it's a whole conglomeration of things," said Hallman. "To be considered for the Best Worshiper Award, a person must fulfill several requirements, including Best Pose including the raising of both hands as well as the closing of both eyes. Also, he or she must be in possession of all 14 of Michael W. Smith's worship albums, as well as those of Third Day and Chris Tomlin. Sam met all these criteria. He even has a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillsongs leader Darlene Zschech in his bedroom."

Brinson, a member of Crux, a modern, rocking "church but not church" on the edge of Nashville, says that his next goal is for the Dove Awards to add a Best Worshiper category in the near future. If and when that happens, "I'll be there."

From Our Nashville Bureau