Major U.S. Retailers Looking Forward To "African-American Friday"

For many American retail giants,
Black Friday is becoming a thing of the past.

Baltimore, MD

The National Retail Federation announced today that it has reached an historic agreement with the NAACP (National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People) which will make an annual tradition more hospitable to the country's African-American population.

There are many traditions surrounding American thanksgiving - turkey, stuffing, potatoes, egg nog and apple pie. But for years, "Black Friday" has tarnished the holiday. Black Friday is the day during which millions of Americans line up early in order to take advantage of retailers often blockbuster deals on products. However, for many years now, the sentiment has been rising that calling it "Black Friday" is tantamount to a racial slur.

"Black Friday has been an ugly mark on American society for too many years," said NAACP CEO Cornell Brooks, when reached by The North American at the organization's headquarters in Baltimore. "Calling it Black Friday, to us, is like calling something Eskimo Tuesdays or Jap Mondays; it's not politically correct or morally correct anymore."

Negotiations between the NRF and the NAACP began months ago, and many heavyweight retailers, for the first time, are advertising this coming Friday as "African-American Friday." Among the participating retailers include Walgreens, Macy's, and J.C. Penney.

When contacted via Skype on Tuesday, Macy's CEO Terry Lundgren outlined some of the changes that African-American customers will notice. "For starters, we've instructed all of our stores to, for a day, play classic African-American music instead of Christmas music. Artists will include Drake, Kanye West, and Nat King Cole. Also, our employees have been told to temporarily put a moratorium on discreetly following African-American's around the store, ensuring that they don't steal anything; this may come across as unwelcoming. Finally, cashiers have been instructed to accept an African-American person's good faith when they go to purchase more expensive items, instead of the normal practice of giving them that well-meaning glance that says, in effect, "Oh honey, I don't think that's for you, you can't afford it."

From Our Baltimore Bureau

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Ben Carson's Latest Comments

Dr. Ben Carson recently compared Islamic refugees to "rabid dogs."

Mobile, Alabama

A spokesman for the radical jihadist group ISIS released a statement on Monday in which they took responsibility for comments made by Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson during a campaign stop here on Thursday. During the rally, Carson, trailing only Donald Trump in the polls, compared Islamic refugees to "rabid dogs," saying, "If there's a rabid dog running around in your neighborhood, you're probably not going to assume something good about that dog, And you're probably going to put your children out of the way. That doesn't mean that you hate all dogs." The retired neurosurgeon went on to say, "But you're going to put your intellect into motion and you're thinking, 'How do I protect my children at the same time? ... I'm going to call the humane society and hopefully they can come and take this dog away and create a safe environment once again.'"

In a statement disseminated via social media, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani wrote, "We have been in touch with Dr. Carson's campaign for several weeks, and were mutually working towards a way to incite hatred of Muslims among Americans, and thus justify our attacks among Americans and the West in general. We congratulate Ben on seeing this through."


From Our Montgomery Bureau

BREAKING: Donald Trump Announces That He Is Full-Blood Aboriginal

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump announces
that he is a member of the Onandaga tribe of New York.

New York, NY

Entrepreneur and Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been known for shocking crowds across the country and indeed the world, however almost no one saw Sunday's announcement coming.

In a hastily arranged news conference in what he called "the greatest city in the greatest country on the greatest planet - though I could make it even greater," the former host of The Apprentice  announced that he is in fact a member "in good standing" of the Onandaga tribe of New York state.

Standing beside his daughter Ivanka, the 69 year old said that he "had suspected for several years now that I was in fact one of 'em (Native American), because I enjoy hunting and gambling so much, So I went to my doctor, who by the way is the best of the best - I really can't say enough about that broad - and she confirmed that I am a full-blood native person."

The announcement is sure to assuage some Republicans who have suspected in the past that Trump is in fact an immigrant.

From Our New York Bureau

Milwaukee Hot Dog Vendor Named People's Sexiest Man Alive

Ted Jacobsen, People Magazine's Sexiest Man Of The Year 2015

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Life-long Wisconsin resident Ted Jacobsen knew something was out of the ordinary on Friday morning when he drove up to his usual parking spot on East Wells Street, and found a lineup waiting for him that extended three city blocks.

Jacobsen, 54, a native of Brookfield Waukesha County, has been selling "street-meat" in the same spot for 21 years. "Fridays are usually a slower day for me. Downtown business people usually go to the posh restaurants for lunch, rather than stopping by my truck," said Jacobsen, while preparing a bratwurst with mustard and sauerkraut, which he calls his speciality. "I thought it must be national hot dog day or something."

Jacobsen couldn't have been further from the truth, and he would have been informed had he caught ABC's Good Morning America earlier that morning. On the program, editors from People Magazine had named the single father "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2015.

Notably, this marks the first time that the honour has gone to someone other than a celebrity. Last year, actor Chris Hemsworth took the crown. Previous winners have included singer Adam Levine, actors George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and the late Patrick Swayze.

"Usually as a policy we don't take input from the general public into consideration, but the e-mails and tweets that we received from Milwaukee and Wisconsin residents in general were too much to ignore," said People editor Tanya Gershon.

Jacobsen has thus far refused invitations to appear on shows such as Ellen and The View, saying that "I need to stay on the job and put food on the table for my three kids (aged 15 to 31)." Asked what he hopes to gain from his new-found notoriety, Jacobsen simply said, "I just hope my famous weiner gets a lot more action now. So far, sales are up by 325%."

From Our Milwaukee Bureau

Facebook Users Change Profile Pictures In Solidarity With U.S. Bombing Raids

Menlo Park, California

Following the latest barrage of terrorist attacks that hit the city of Paris last Friday, the world has been trying to find ways to support the citizens of France. There were three days of national mourning, countless flowers have been laid, and multiple world landmarks - from the Empire State Building in New York to the historic Christ The Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro - were lit in the colours of the French flag. Amazon.com got in the act by showing a large French flag at the top of its site, with the word Solidarité (solidarity) prominently featured.

However, social media giant Facebook is being widely criticized for politicizing the events and giving its millions of users a chance to easily support the controversial American mission to bomb ISIS targets in Syria and Iraq. Beginning on Saturday, Facebook's 250 million users were given the opportunity to overlay the colours of the American flag - red, white, and blue - onto their profile pictures in order to support the deadly missions carried out by manned and unmanned planes. The missions have killed at least 459 civilians, including 100 children, in 52 air strikes as of August. According to Facebook, approximately 26.5 million of its users had taken the opportunity to support the United States as of Tuesday evening.

Facebook has been known to take controversial stances prior to this. Several months ago, the site gave its users the option of overlaying the colours of the rainbow onto their profile pictures, in order to commemorate the biblical account of Genesis 9, where God instituted a covenant with Noah by placing a rainbow in the sky and promised never ever to wipe the inhabitants of the earth off the planet ever again. Millions of Facebook users took advantage of this as well, which drew the ire of members or other religions or no religion.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Ben Carson Scolds Obama For Not Calling Him On Cell Phone

Republican Presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson in Henderson on Monday.

Henderson, Nevada

Republican Presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson lit into President Obama at a campaign stop on Monday in what was a bizarre and unexpected rant in front of the news media.

Carson, holding steady in the crowded Republican field of candidates, was in Henderson, where he addressed the Paris terrorist attacks as well as the issue of bringing Syrian refugees into the United States. Carson stated: "As president, I would give the mission to the Pentagon, and ask them what they need to accomplish the mission. The right number of boots on the ground is whatever the Pentagon says they need to accomplish the mission, and not a single person less."

The retired neurosurgeon, looking haggard, then bizarrely took out his smartphone from his jacket and began muttering into the microphone that he "kept trying to reach Obama, but the President insists on trying to reach me at home. I don't understand why he doesn't call me on my cell phone, especially on late nights when he might need my love. Ever since leaving Kenya, he has a reputation now, and personally, I feel left out."

Aides to the 64 year old quickly escorted Carson from the stage and a spokesman released a statement saying, "Mr. Carson, like anyone running for President, is simply experiencing slight fatigue. He'll be fine tomorrow."

From Our Las Vegas Bureau

Canada Set To Receive Over Two Million Refugees From Within Own Borders

Refugees seeking urgent assistance ahead of Céline Dion's planned performances in
Montreal & Quebec City

Quebec City, QC

Newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised during his campaign that he would welcome refugees to Canada. However, no one could have saw this coming.

On Sunday as Trudeau made the rounds at the G20 conference in Antalya, Turkey - his first foreign appearance - the 43 year old former teacher told his counterparts that under his leadership, Canada will accept over two million refugees by the end of July 2016. Trudeau had initially promised to welcome 25,000 refugees by the end of this year.

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, something that former Prime Minister Stephen Harper was loathe to do, Trudeau puzzled some by saying that all of the refugees would come not from Syria or Iraq, but from the province of Quebec.

Quebec native Céline Dion announced last week that she would perform five more concerts in her home province in addition to her previously scheduled Montreal and Quebec City dates, due to what her agent cited as "popular demand."

However, in an overnight poll conducted by The Sentinel Dispatch Journal Times Herald Tribune, 99.9% of the residents of the two historic cities revealed that they would sooner undergo the controversial and rather unpleasant experience of water-boarding before they would subject themselves to another concert by the 47 year old chanteuse.

Speaking from Turkey, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "While many Quebecers once tolerated Ms. Dion's performances, especially in her early days, once we had heard My Heart Will Go On ad nauseam, the overwhelming majority of us just couldn't do it anymore. Therefore, after consultation with my fellow MP's from Quebec as well as Minister of Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship John McCallum, we feel we have the obligation to accept 2,166,625 (the entire populations of the cities of Montreal and Quebec City), into the rest of Canada. I have already been in consultation with our premiers and territorial leaders as to how we can implement the smooth evacuation of these cities for the duration of Ms. Dion's tour." Dion is set to perform July 31, August 1, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 and 13 at the Bell Centre in Montreal, and three at the Centre Videotron in Quebec City on August 20, 21, and 24.

According to sources, the most enthusiastic support for the idea has come from Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne and Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall, though Peter Taptuna, Premier of Nunavut, has voiced strong concerns that some Dion supporters may sift through his borders and seriously injure the large husky population in the territory by subjecting them to hits such as The Power of Love, It's All Coming Back To Me Now, & That's The Way It Is.

From Our Quebec City Bureau

Albertans To Begin Massive Dump Of Nickelback Albums Into Rivers

Since Nickelback released its first album Curb in 1996, until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm.

Calgary, AB

Only one day after Montreal Mayor Denis Coderre was given the green light by Ottawa to implement a controversial plan that would release eight billion litres of raw sewage into the St. Lawrence River, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi is following suit with a similar plan of his own.

Just after midnight on Thursday, the sewage began pouring into the St. Lawrence after receiving approval from new federal Environment Minister Catherine McKenna. Mayor Coderre and city works officials have promised Quebecers that there will be scant signs of water discolouration and unpleasant odours.

The events in Montreal prompted a massive grassroots campaign by Albertans to allow them to gather at the convergence of the Elbow and Bow rivers and ceremoniously throw their entire Nickelback collections - in all their various forms - into the water. Popular Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi very soon came onboard and quickly gained the approval from Ms. McKenna and Prime Minister Trudeau.

The "Nickelback problem" has been one that city, provincial, and federal officials have been trying to solve since the Hanna, Alberta band released its first album Curb in 1996. From that time until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm. "It's reached epidemic proportions," said Alberta Health Minister Sarah Hoffman. "For years, myself and my predecessors have tried to introduce Albertans to marginally better bands such as Hedley, or even The Rankin Family, but they just can't seem to get (lead singer) Chad Kroeger's voice out of their consciousness. This was our last resort."

Beginning on Friday night, just after midnight, Albertans firstly, and then Canadians from throughout the country, will be given the opportunity to travel to the Elbow and Bow rivers and take some time to pause and reflect before tossing their CD's and vinyl records into the water. "People are welcome to bring anything from their collection, from Curb to Silver Side Up to No Fixed Address," said the Minister of Canadian Heritage, Mélanie Joly.

Realizing that this will most likely be a very emotional time of release for sufferers of the band, Ms. Joly said that "qualified therapists will be on hand to help Nickelback fans transition out of a life of auditory torture and into the life they deserve."

"Nickelback-Free Alberta" events are already popping up on the social media site Facebook.

From Our Calgary Bureau

Gordon Lightfoot Working On Extended Version Of "Edmund Fitzgerald"

Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot, 76, was recently honoured
with a bronze statue in his hometown of Orillia, Ontario.

Orillia, ON

It was 40 years ago this past Tuesday that the SS Edmund Fitzgerald sank during a fierce storm on Lake Superior, taking all 29 souls to the depths with it. The 729-foot vessel, once the largest ore-carrier on Lake Superior, went down in 520 feet of water at approximately 7:30 p.m. Winds of hurricane force — of 75 miles per hour — raised waves to 25 feet in 42-degree weather.

The Great Lakes have claimed thousands of ships since European explorers began navigating the waters in the 17th century, yet the Edmund Fitzgerald may to this day remain the most famous among them due to Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot's song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,  which became a Number 1 hit in Canada and peaked at Number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. The ballad originally appeared on Lightfoot's 1976 album Summertime Dream.

However, in an interview on Friday with The Sentinel Dispatch's John Sanders, the 76 year old Lightfoot revealed that in honour of the 40th anniversary of the tragedy, he has been working on an extended version of the song, which will be available through iTunes just in time for Christmas.

"Throughout the years it always nagged on me that the song was just too damned short," said Lightfoot of the song that originally clocked in at 6 minutes, 32 seconds. "Time and time again after almost every concert I've given throughout Canada, the States, and overseas, fans invariably come up to me and say, 'Mr. Lightfoot, I love that song, but why does it only have 7 verses? It goes by so quickly!' I just shrug my shoulders and hadn't given it much serious thought until this past year when the big anniversary was coming up. And then the ideas just started flying."

According to the Orillia, Ontario native, the extended version, which will feature 23 verses, will explore everything from the meaning of the term "Gitche Gumee," the true ethnicity of the great-grandfather of the ships doctor, as well as the type of coffee that the crew were drinking when the ship went down. "We all know the lyric When suppertime came/the old cook came on deck/
sayin' Fellas, it's too rough t'feed ya." What we don't know is what kind of coffee they were enjoying, if any, or even if they had a chance to play a round of gin."

The 2015 version of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald will be available December 19th. Lightfoot also confirms that he already has ideas for more verses in honour of the 50 year anniversary in 2025.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Baptist Churches In South To Boycott Starbucks Due To Dark Roast Coffee

Montgomery, Alabama

Only days after renowned religious historian Joshua Feuerstein created a firestorm by suggesting on YouTube that coffee giant Starbucks was suppressing the spirit of Christmas through its bland 2017 Christmas cups, a growing number of Baptist churches in the southern states are taking up his call for a boycott for even more controversial reasons.

On November 5th, Feuerstein, whose website lists his accomplishments such as being the subject of a recent BBC Trending episode and being a host or guest on television and syndicated radio talk shows such as TBN, said in his minute and a half viral video that "Do you realize that Starbucks wanted to take Christ and Christmas off of their brand new cups? In fact, do you know that Starbucks isn't allowed to say Merry Christmas to their customers?"

The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that an independent Baptist denomination in the southern states has gone further and has decided to boycott Starbucks for serving what it has deemed "black-supremacist coffee."

In an interview via Skype on Wednesday morning, Pastor Bryan Larkin, president of the Independent Southern Baptist Brotherhood of Churches, which boasts 42 congregations in Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, and South Carolina, told The Sentinel Dispatch that his members are set to implement a boycott of the coffee behemoth because of its darker roast coffees. "There used to be a time when coffee was coffee," said the 46 year old private school principal. "It really has been a slippery slope. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that our colored folk need jobs, but when they start influencing and controlling our coffee choices, that's where myself and many other Christians draw the line."

Larkin and other board members of the ISBBC have sent out instructions to its church members to boycott all Starbucks locations. "We had no problem when Starbucks only featured their milder Veranda Blend or even their Breakfast Blend and Pike Place Roast," said Larkin. "But when they introduced their Caffè Verona and Sumatra blends, it was crystal clear that they were promoting a black agenda. I mean, all the cream and sugar in the world can't overcome the darkness and bitterness of those coffees."

This Sunday, November 12th, inserts will be placed in all bulletins of Independent Southern Baptist Brotherhood of Churches congregations, instructing its members to choose Dunkin' Donuts or McDonald's coffee instead.

From Our Montgomery Bureau

Poppy Remains On Local Man's Sweater For Six Consecutive Minutes

Dugald, Manitoba

Leslie Fletcher of Dugald congratulates her father Harold Sampson
following his accomplishment.

When Harold Sampson woke up on Tuesday morning, he was shaking with a mixture of excitement and fatigue after getting only an hours sleep the night before. The 89 year old had envisioned this day for an entire year.

For the last 15 years, Sampson, a native of Dugald, just east of Winnipeg, has been attempting to break the Guinness World Record for consecutive minutes that a Remembrance Day poppy stays pinned on a man, woman, or child.

The scene at the local legion hall was as it had been for 15 years, with his wife of 62 years, Doreen, and a host of family and friends gathered to hopefully witness history, as well as to enjoy a pint of Molson Canadian. And as it has been every year, a representative from Guinness was present so that the organization could authenticate the record should it be broken.

The proceedings began with a friend and local WWII veteran Arnie Bellamy pinning a poppy on Sampson's sweater. "I went through hell and back for my country, and it's very rewarding to see friends like Harry being willing to do the same for me."

The red poppy-shaped pin with the black centre was placed on Sampson at 11:00am, and all was going well until 11:05am, when said poppy began to come loose from his sweater. At this point, Sampson remained stoic and held his head high, refusing to give in. When the clock above the billiard table hit 11:06am, history had been made. Harold Sampson now holds the Guinness World Record for consecutive minutes that a Remembrance Day poppy stays pinned on a human being.

The previous record of 5 minutes, 59 seconds was set in 1992 by Shirley Knelsen of Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia.

From Our Winnipeg Bureau

Interim Conservative Leader Bakes Hash Cookies On Live TV

Rona Ambrose
Interim Conservative Leader & Leader Of Canada's Official Opposition

Toronto, ON

It has only been four days since Rona Ambrose assumed the role of interim Conservative leader and Leader of the Opposition in Canada's House of Commons, yet she is already making waves and raising eyebrows.

Mrs. Ambrose, Member of Parliament for the Alberta riding of Edmonton-Spruce Grove, was voted in as interim leader shortly after Prime Minister Stephen Harper resigned following a crushing defeat by Justin Trudeau's Liberal Party on October 19th.

Already, the 46 year old, who has held prominent portfolios in the government including Minister of the Environment and Minister of Health, has been signaling to her party and to Canadians that she plans on moving the Conservative Party in a different direction.

One of her first announcements came on Friday, when she shocked Canadians by saying that she would support a public inquiry into missing and murdered indigenous women and children, something Mr. Harper had refused to implement for years despite an outcry from indigenous leaders as well as opposition parties.

But no one saw this morning's appearance on CityTv's Breakfast Television coming.

Mrs. Ambrose, a native of Valleyview, Alberta, appeared on the popular Toronto-based show during its weekly baking segment. When asked by host Kevin Frankish what her favourite holiday treat was and if she would be willing to "show Canadians her special touch," Mrs. Ambrose proceeded to produce two vials of hash oil from her pocket and pour the contents into a large bowl which already contained chocolate chip cookie dough. While pouring the oil into the bowl, she looked up and smiled at the crowd, saying "Come on, ladies, we all know how stressful Christmas can be. We do most of the cooking, the dishes, minding the kids. At some point you just have to chill out."

At that point, producers quickly cut to commercials. CityTV has not made itself available for comment to The Sentinel Dispatch as of press time.

The appearance marked a sharp turn-about from her vocalized outrage in June after the Supreme Court of Canada expanded the definition of medical marijuana beyond dried leaves, to include cannabis oils, teas, brownies and other forms of the drug.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Feud Erupts Between Sophie Trudeau And Céline Dion

Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau attempts to protect Sophie
Grégoire-Trudeau from litigation on election night.

Ottawa, ON

It seems as if the honeymoon is over for Canada's new first family, only days after Justin Trudeau was sworn in as the northern nation's 23rd Prime Minister.

According to multiple reports and confirmed by The Sentinel Dispatch  late Thursday evening, Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau, the 40-year-old wife of the Prime Minister was handed a cease and desist order as the family was relaxing at their temporary residence as they continue to make preparations to move into Rideau Cottage.

Several reports say that the litigation was brought forward by Canadian chanteuse Céline Dion, who is currently performing a string of shows in Las Vegas. According to the document, Ms. Dion, performer of such hits as All By Myself, That's The Way It Is, and My Heart Will Go On, has demanded that Grégoire-Trudeau stop the use of her trademark chest-thumping gesture, which the singer has been known for since childhood - an action that led to a broken right clavicle when Dion was 7 years of age. During the recently concluded election campaign, and particularly on election night, Grégoire-Trudeau was seen either gently touching or thumping her chest enthusiastically as assembled crowds shouted her husband's name. Close family friends have confirmed that the mother of three has been known to instinctively engage in the activity in public at awkward moments when the family is shopping or eating in posh restaurants.

Céline Dion, 47, registered the action as a trademark in 1997 and according to celinechesthump.com has missed 174 shows since that time due to deep bruises and broken bones.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Oilers Phenom McDavid Out Long-Term; Jays Fans Blame Shapiro

Oilers star Connor McDavid in NHL action vs Philadelphia on Tuesday night.

Edmonton, AB

The new president of the Toronto Blue Jays has only been on the job for two days, and he is already the most hated man in the Great White North.

Immediately after the club announced that popular general manager Alex Anthopoulos had rejected a new contract offer, speculation swirled that he was being pushed out by Mark Shapiro, former president of the Cleveland Indians.

The intensity of the hatred became more evident on Tuesday night when, during a home contest against the Philadelphia Flyers, forward Connor McDavid, the face and future of the Edmonton Oilers franchise, slammed hard into the end boards and suffered a broken collarbone. Twitter reaction was immediate and unrelenting:

"None of this would have happened if Rogers (owners of the baseball team) would have kept Alex. Shapiro's a bum!"

"Somewhere in a hotel room in Toronto, Mark Shapiro is slamming a Connor McDavid voodoo doll against a wall."

"What's a 48 year old American guy doing picking on an 18 yr old Canadian boy? I'm gonna cheer for the Phillies."

McDavid, the number one pick in the 2015 NHL draft, is expected to be out of action until January at the very least.

From Our Edmonton Bureau