Tennessee Governor Signs Anti-LGBT "Hairstylist Bill" Into Law

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam has signed a bill into law
which will protect citizens from flamboyant hairstylists.

Nashville, TN

Residents of Tennessee will soon be able to get a haircut without the growing concern that their hairstylist is a homosexual.

On Thursday, shortly after signing Senate Bill 1556 into law, which allows the state's therapists to turn away LGBT clients, Governor Bill Haslam also signed Senate Bill 1557 into law, which will give Tennesseans the freedom of walking into a hair studio or barber shop for a cut, shave, or eyebrow plucking without worrying that they will be touched by a homosexual, let alone a transgender person.

"This is an historic day for our great state," said Haslam, reminiscing about his experiences in barber shops while a young boy. "Back in the day, you could walk into Bill's Fast Cuts and it was part of the American experience. I knew I was safe back then, as my Dad and several of his buddies, often wearing their cowboy hats and chaps would just shoot the shit while Bill cut my hair. This institution has been under attack for a long time now. It's a slippery slope."

The new law states that all licensed male hairstylists in the state of Tennessee must be able to spit at least 8 feet while grabbing their crotch as a sign of masculinity, while female hairstylists can opt for carrying identification stating that they are of the heterosexual persuasion, which must be presented upon request by the customer.

Earlier this month, the Family Action Council of Tennessee touted its support for the bill, saying it was important to protect the religious beliefs and moral convictions of "non-flamboyant" Tennesseans wishing to receive a haircut. Director Allan Spalding stated his opposition to a provision in Bill 1557 which allows for Tennessean hairstylists to recommend out-of-state hairstylists and barbers to their clients. Officials in border states such as Kentucky, North Carolina, Virginia, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Missouri are preparing for an influx of homosexual hairstylists.

From Our Nashville Bureau

BREAKING: Trump Releases Shocking Video Of Ted Cruz's Wife

Ted & Heidi Cruz's evangelical beliefs are being tested
after said video emerged on Wednesday evening.

New York, NY

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump wants to make America great again. But first, he wants to make sure no one messes with his wife Melania ever again.

Mere hours after an anti-Trump group released an ad featuring an old photo of the former model posing nude for GQ magazine and thus questioning her ability to be first lady, the Donald released an ad of his own, this time attacking the wife of his chief rival Ted Cruz. The video appears to show Ted and Heidi Cruz at a February fundraising event, and though the presidential candidate can clearly be seen bowing his head in prayer in order to say grace before his meal, Mrs. Cruz can plainly be seen with her eyes wide open. The ad claims that Heidi Cruz, and by association her husband, are not true evangelicals and that their faith is shallow. "This could hand Mr. Trump the nomination," said Pastor Tim Wilkens, who added that "optics are everything, and while Ted touts himself as the evangelical choice for president, he can't even keep his wife in line. How is he supposed to lead the country when he can't even be the head of his household?"

This is not the first controversy surrounding Heidi Cruz. An audio recording obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch includes the Goldman Sachs investment manager using the phrases "Jeepers Creepers" and "Gosh Darnit," which are clearly tantamount to using the Lord's name in vain.

From Our New York Bureau