Rhode Island Man Overwhelmed By Thousands Of Birthday Well-Wishes

Warwick resident Tom Whilton turned 40 today.

Providence - A life-long Rhode Islander is "speechless and overwhelmed" on what has turned out to be the most memorable birthday he has ever experienced.

As it is with many people approaching the big 4-0, Warwick resident Tom Whilton was dreading March 20th. "I've become used to spending most of my birthdays alone, but it's somehow been more painful this year with my thirties coming to an end." Whilton, a construction worker, decided that he would try to make the best of his milestone and invite several of his co-workers and neighbors to the local pub for drinks and a few rounds of pool. The only problem is that not one person replied affirmatively. "It says a lot when not one of the people that you interact with on a regular basis wants to be around you on such a special occasion," said the Atari enthusiast in an interview via Skype from his parent's basement.

Whilton says that he was hurt most by the fact that he put in special effort to invite female friends to his party in an effort to finally solve a life-long problem. "I really didn't want to hit 40 and still be a virgin at the end of the night. So what happened next was incredible."

On Friday evening after her son returned home half drunk and alone from the bar, having lost 50 dollars at the pool table, Mindy Whilton posted to her Facebook page as well as to her knitting group page that her son was in a bad state:

"My son Thomas turned 40 today, and despite making an effort to invite his friends, especially women, to his party, not one person showed up - not one effing person! Those of you who know Tommy know that he's a good guy. He's conscientious, prompt, his personal hygiene is on the up-swing. It would really make him, as well as his father and I, happy, if Thomas could actually lose his virginity before midnight hits. HELP!!! Plz LIKE and SHARE, and if you're a young-ish, polite woman reading this, here's his number. Just text him! 387-350-****."

Tom was mildly annoyed when his early-model Blackberry started to send him non-stop text notifications, as he had found an unfinished six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his beer fridge and had passed out, hoping to numb himself until the dreadful day had passed. It all changed when he picked up his phone. "Out of the blue I was getting what was at first 50, then 100, then several hundred texts, all wishing me a happy birthday," said Whilton. "I finally felt some self-esteem and pride, that, although I had no real friends, so many people I couldn't give a flying f*** about were sending me greetings!" Several friends of Mindy Whilton, 67, showed up with baked goods, casseroles, and knitted slippers to mark the occasion.

When asked if he expected that his illustrious and seemingly unattainable goal would be attained by midnight, Whilton confided that out of the thousands of texts, tweets, and Facebook messages he had received as of press time, only two women had offered to help him with his problem. "Unfortunately, one of the ladies was still recovering from her second hip replacement, and the other lived in Poland and her husband strongly objects."

From Our Providence Bureau

REPORT: Ontario To Phase Out Home Ambulance Service In June

Toronto - According to senior officials inside Ontario's Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Premier Kathleen Wynne is set to remove a long-standing pillar of health services in Canada's most populous province.

On Saturday afternoon, three officials working under Dr. Eric Hoskins, Ontario's Minister of Health and Long-Term Care, confirmed in separate e-mails to The Sentinel Dispatch that beginning in June of this year, the province will be ending home ambulance service in order to contain costs.

Currently, a single, normal land ambulance service costs approximately $240.00. Until now, Ontario taxpayers have been billed $45.00, with the rest of the service being covered by the government.

However, according to the Health Ministry sources, the cost of maintaining ambulances, as well as paying thousands of paramedics has become unfeasible. "Premier Wynne has been in talks with Minister Hoskins about this even before she won the Liberal leadership," said one source. "Once she became premier, she rewarded him for his cooperation on this particular matter."

Another source revealed that in scrapping what many Ontarians see as an essential service, the Premier hopes to instill a spirit of community. "Everyone in our office believe in Kathleen and her extraordinary heart and vision. Aside from costs, the main reason for eliminating home ambulance service is to build teamwork and a sense of family among Ontarians." The unnamed worker, who has worked for the Health Ministry for 18 years, provided further details: "Beginning in mid-June, when Ontarians feel that they need medical assistance, they will have a couple of choices. The first choice is to push themselves to get out of the house, in doing so getting some much-needed exercise and curbing the alarming obesity rate. The second choice is for people to set up an emergency call list of family, friends, or neighbours who they can call if they are in distress, thus building stronger family ties and friendship."

Another source confirmed that the Premier initially considered setting up community drop-off sites, where patients with health needs could travel to and receive a free warm beverage and snack before being transferred to hospital by ambulance. However, this was also seen as too costly.

The millions of dollars that the Ontario government will save is expected to be spent in other highly-needed areas. "Some of the saved money will be going to new bureaucrats like our party's new executive director (and former chief of staff to former Toronto mayor Rob Ford), while a portion of it will go to current and anticipated lawsuits."

The controversial move comes only months after Canada Post revealed that it would begin phasing out door-to-door mail delivery.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau

NHL Trade Deadline: Phaneuf "Excited" To Join New-Look Blue Jays

Dion Phaneuf tallied 42 goals and 166 points in 353 games with the Maple Leafs.

Toronto - A rather quiet NHL trade deadline day for the Toronto Maple Leafs ended with a somewhat surprising move on Monday afternoon as the storied Canadian franchise said goodbye to team captain Dion Phaneuf.

Phaneuf, acquired in January of 2010 from the Calgary Flames, had long been rumoured to be on the trading block, that is if another team was willing to take on a substantial portion of his well-earned seven-year, $49 million (U.S.) extension which he signed in 2013. As Monday approached, several teams had expressed interest - Colorado, Dallas, and Anaheim among them. The Detroit Red Wings, however, seemed to be the team with the most bargaining chips; they instead acquired defenceman Marek Zidlicky from the New Jersey Devils, leaving many to wonder if Phaneuf would remain a fixture at the Air Canada Centre.

However, at 3:30pm, half an hour after the trade deadline passed, word came from the league office that the Edmonton native would indeed be packing his bags. However, the 29-year-old won't be looking for a real estate agent anytime soon. In a rare move between leagues, one which hasn't occurred in decades, Phaneuf has been acquired by the Toronto Blue Jays, who play their home games at Rogers Centre, a mere fifteen minute walk from the ACC.

"We are thrilled to add a player of Dion's caliber to our clubhouse," said Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos. "He's been on our radar for a few months now, and when (left fielder Michael) Saunders went down with his unfortunate injury (the newly acquired outfielder stepped awkwardly on a sprinkler-head during training), we decided to step up and began serious negotiations with the Leafs."

While hockey is Phaneuf's premiere sport, he does have an impressive baseball résumé. He grew up playing baseball in climate-friendly Edmonton until the age of 8. While primarily used as his little-league team's fourth outfielder, Phaneuf also tried his hand on the mound, another quality which impressed Anthopoulos. Toronto, while projected to vastly improve on their 83-79 record from last year, has yet to add some much-needed depth in their bullpen. "Dion has a huge upside in that area, and we'll give him every chance to be a valuable arm down in the pen if we need him. He threw out the first pitch in a game in 2012 and had more than a few scouts talking."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday evening, Phaneuf said he was "surprised, but excited to be joining a team with a loyal fan base that is used to a winning product on the field. I'll do what I can in whatever capacity I'm needed."

In exchange for Phaneuf, the Maple Leafs will receive Ace, the long-time mascot for Canada's only MLB team, plus 25 Rawlings baseballs.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Lost Oscar-Worn Dress Found Under Actress's Apostrophe

Los Angeles - The mystery of the other dressgate has at last been solved.

Shortly after last week's 87th Academy Awards show at the Dolby Theatre, the elaborate 6,000-pearled dress worn by Oscar-winner Lupita Nyong’o mysteriously went missing.

The Calvin Klein dress, initially thought to be valued at $150,000, was hailed by many fashionistas as one of the highlights of the red carpet.

Nyong'o, who won the 2014 Supporting Actress Oscar for her role as Patsey in 12 Years A Slave, presented J.K. Simmons with his Oscar for his role in Whiplash. 

The elegant dress was initially thought to have been stolen. However, on Friday, after a lengthy search, the dress worn by the 32-year-old was found in an unexpected place - underneath the actress's unique apostrophe.

"We had officers and security guards searching meticulously for the dress," said Los Angeles Police chief Charlie Beck. "There was a thorough search of the hotel, obviously, but we also interviewed each and every stylist and handler that was present at the Academy Awards. It wasn't until we combed the list of nominees as well as presenters that we discovered the dress; it shocked us to discover it was underneath Ms. Nyong'o's unique apostrophe the entire time."

When reached for comment, the actress refuted rumours that she would be removing the sometimes-confusing punctuation mark from her surname, although she has admittedly also lost jewelry, her iPhone, and "various snack foods" in the same fashion. "Agents have asked me to change it, some fans have requested it, I even received a phone call from John Travolta. I'm proud of my Kenyan heritage; I'm not changing anything."

From Our Los Angeles Bureau