Santa To Remain In Small Town Mall Until Past New Years

Bill Smithson (Elgin Mall's Santa Claus)

St. Thomas, Ontario

Residents of southwestern Ontario who missed out on getting pictures of their children with Santa Claus this year still have over a week to go, due to a principled stance by a shopping mall leasing agent in this city of 40,000.

Antoinette Tomasulo heads up the long-standing but struggling Elgin Mall on Wellington Street. She raised some eyebrows this week when she took out an ad in the local newspaper, the Times-Journal, in order to announce that Santa Claus would stay put until January 7th, the date that most Orthodox Christians celebrate Christmas.

"Although currently there are no Orthodox Christian churches here in St. Thomas, we thought that it would go a long way to attracting Orthodox settlers here if we kept Saint Nick in his place until January 7th," said Tomasulo, contacted via Skype by The North American.

Bill Smithson, 72, has been the Elgin Mall's Santa for 17 years, and he admits that business has been slow-going since the mall reopened on Boxing Day. "Initially I was all for the idea, because I can buy my lotto tickets here at the kiosk across the way, and there's great Chinese food at Manchu Wok in the food court, but it's getting lonely." Tomasulo confirmed that Santa's helpers are no longer needed and that parents are urged to "take their own quality pictures on their smartphones if they so choose." Smithson is also "very adept at selfies."

According to long-time city resident Betty Wilhemson, she "can't remember there being even one Orthodox family" in the city - "nor is there any now; this is a complete waste of money."

To date, only two people have had their pictures taken with Smithson, er, Santa Claus, however neither were from Orthodox families. One toddler had just came out from the Galaxy Cinemas and thought Santa looked like a red Chewbacca, and the other was Mr. Smithson's socially-awkward third cousin Steve.

From Our London, Ontario Bureau

Band Members of 98 Degrees Irate Over Climate Change Agreement

Members of American band 98 Degrees took to Twitter Saturday
 to voice their displeasure over the Paris agreement.

Paris

After nearly four years of negotiations, nearly 200 nations adopted the first global pact to fight climate change on Saturday, imploring the world to collectively cut and then eliminate greenhouse gas pollution.

Under the deal, countries will have to publish greenhouse gas reduction targets and revise them upward every five years, while striving to drive down their carbon output "as soon as possible."

The final text of the agreement commits countries to keeping global warming "to well below 2 degrees C" and hopes to limit it to 1.5 C, with the goal of a carbon-neutral world sometime after 2050. 

However, not everyone is happy with the historic Paris agreement. Shortly after being announced by French Foreign Minister and president of the COP21 Laurent Fabius, members of the popular American band 98 Degrees began tweeting their displeasure, as the legally binding document calls for the "immediate disposal of all released albums as well as future appearances of the environmentally harmful band 98 Degrees. In this new age when we are committing to limiting global warming to less than two degrees, the band's continued existence flies in the face of this."

The band formed in 1995 and consists of brothers Nick and Drew Lachey, Jeff Timmons, and Justin Jeffre. They quickly garnered a large fan base among teenage girls and grown men of various sexual persuasions. 

"I don't give a f*** what the entire world says. We're here, we're hot, we're not going anywhere, " tweeted Nick Lachey. "We have no plans to change our name to 1.5 Degrees, despite all the rumors. Just not the same ring to it," said Timmons. 

From Our Paris Bureau

6 Year Old Boy Suspended For Wishing Classmates Happy Holidays

6 year old Tyson Horlang, suspended.

 

London, Ontario

The North American has learned from a distraught parent that a 6 year old student of Immanuel Christian Academy in London, Ontario was sent home today and suspended from the private school effective immediately for wishing his friends Happy Holidays.

Denise Horlang said her son Tyson had previously been warned last year for a rough drawing that resembled the Jewish menorah during arts class.

When reached for comment, ICA principal Todd Stockton told The North American that "there is no place in our school for, frankly pagan and secular greetings of any kind," noting that students are also forbidden from wishing each other a "Good Morning." The phrase "God bless you" is preferred. "The student in question will not be allowed back to the Academy unless he and his family appear before a private meeting of the board, where they will be censured," added Stockton. "We have to take this country back."

From Our London Bureau

Inuit Leader Demands Lyric Change For Christmas Songs

Iqaluit

If Winter Wonderland or The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) happen to be two of your favourite Christmas carols, you might want to prepare yourself for updated versions.

Natan Obed, leader of Canada's 55,000 Inuit peoples,
is demanding a lyric-change to two popular Christmas songs.

On Monday, the president of Tapiriit Kanatami - the organization which gives voice to Canada's 55,000 Inuit people - held a packed news conference stating that his organization is demanding that the lyrics of the two widely-used songs be changed to be inclusive of his people. Natan Obed, 39, president since September, told assembled media that the use of the word eskimo in both songs is "not merely an impolite relic of the past, but a continued demeaning slur that needs to be put to rest; it is morally and culturally reprehensible."

Obed said that after extensive consultation with Inuit peoples living in 53 communities across the Inuvialuit Settlement Region (Northwest Territories), Nunavut, Nunavik (Northern Quebec), and Nunatsiavut (Northern Labrador), the new lyrics of the two Christmas songs would be as follows:

Winter Wonderland:

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Canadian Inuit way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, 
Jack Frost nipping at your nose, 
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, 
And folks dressed up like Canada's proud Inuit peoples, 
But only if they're actually Inuit.

Mr. Obed made headlines during Canada's Grey Cup football week when he called on the CFL's Edmonton Eskimos to change their name.

From Our Iqaluit Bureau

BREAKING: Donald Trump Exits Race For Personal Reasons

Donald Trump announces that he's exiting the 2016 presidential race.

New York

BREAKING: 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Donald J. Trump has announced in a hastily arranged news conference Saturday afternoon that he is dropping out of the race effective immediately, in order to spend more time with himself.

"The more I look around at my country, I realize that I just don't like any of you," said the 69 year old business magnate. "I mean, I knew prior to this legendary run that I didn't like Mexicans, Muslims, or women - except my wife Melania and my daughters Ivanka and Tiffany, who are great-looking broads by the way, guys. But the last few months have made me realize that once you've seen the greatest - and I look at him every single morning in the mirror, guys - everyone else just seems that much more loser-ish. They're bums, all of them. That includes you (the assembled press and campaign workers). So that's it for this campaign. I'm going to take some time to get to know the best guy that I know even more, and that is myself."

Asked if he would endorse anyone going forward, Trump replied "Oh, I'll still make sure to be on the ticket somehow in some of the upcoming caucuses and primaries, because I can't imagine anyone that comes close to my greatness."

Trump's departure leaves the Republican Party scrambling for a similar progressive voice to take his prominent spot. Many are already pointing to current candidates Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee, with some also saying that Jerry Falwell Jr, president of the liberal Liberty University, should be approached. On Friday, Falwell told the convocation that he "always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in...Let's teach them a lesson if they ever show up here."

From Our New York Bureau

93 Year Old Nebraskan Woman Sues Over Christmas Carol

93 year old Shirley Campbell is suing the composers of
The Christmas Song for a combined $18.6 million.

Omaha

For millions of people around the world, this is the most wonderful time of the year. Snow is glistening, bells ring out, and a feeling of goodwill emanates from even the most hardened stranger.

Christmas used to be Omaha native Shirley Campbell's favourite time of the year as well. Each year she would bake her famous fudge brownies and gingerbread cookies and have the family return to the farm during the holidays.

However, Christmas is shaping up to be completely different this year for the resident of Silver Memories Home on South 101st St. This year she has moved into assisted living, thrown away her Christmas aprons, and vows to not celebrate the holiday again until she "gets (her) fair share."

Campbell had been dreading this Christmas ever since turning 93 years young on August 14th, an event celebrated with family members and a few close friends. The still-active bridge player and knitter cites the popular Christmas carol "The Christmas Song," popularly known as "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire," as the source of her gloom. In the song, penned in 1945 by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé, the last stanza states the following: And so I'm offering this simple phrase/To kids from one to ninety-two/Although it's been said many times, many ways/Merry Christmas to you."

"It was during the Christmas season last year when I was picking up a prescription at my pharmacy that those words came overhead the speakers. They really caused emotional trauma, because I knew that the composers were utilizing ageism and effectively saying that once I hit 93, I was not deserving of having a Merry Christmas," 

Campbell is suing the estates of Wells and Tormé for $9.3 million dollars apiece. Representatives for both families did not respond to requests for interviews by The North American.

From Our Omaha Bureau

Major U.S. Retailers Looking Forward To "African-American Friday"

For many American retail giants,
Black Friday is becoming a thing of the past.

Baltimore, MD

The National Retail Federation announced today that it has reached an historic agreement with the NAACP (National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People) which will make an annual tradition more hospitable to the country's African-American population.

There are many traditions surrounding American thanksgiving - turkey, stuffing, potatoes, egg nog and apple pie. But for years, "Black Friday" has tarnished the holiday. Black Friday is the day during which millions of Americans line up early in order to take advantage of retailers often blockbuster deals on products. However, for many years now, the sentiment has been rising that calling it "Black Friday" is tantamount to a racial slur.

"Black Friday has been an ugly mark on American society for too many years," said NAACP CEO Cornell Brooks, when reached by The North American at the organization's headquarters in Baltimore. "Calling it Black Friday, to us, is like calling something Eskimo Tuesdays or Jap Mondays; it's not politically correct or morally correct anymore."

Negotiations between the NRF and the NAACP began months ago, and many heavyweight retailers, for the first time, are advertising this coming Friday as "African-American Friday." Among the participating retailers include Walgreens, Macy's, and J.C. Penney.

When contacted via Skype on Tuesday, Macy's CEO Terry Lundgren outlined some of the changes that African-American customers will notice. "For starters, we've instructed all of our stores to, for a day, play classic African-American music instead of Christmas music. Artists will include Drake, Kanye West, and Nat King Cole. Also, our employees have been told to temporarily put a moratorium on discreetly following African-American's around the store, ensuring that they don't steal anything; this may come across as unwelcoming. Finally, cashiers have been instructed to accept an African-American person's good faith when they go to purchase more expensive items, instead of the normal practice of giving them that well-meaning glance that says, in effect, "Oh honey, I don't think that's for you, you can't afford it."

From Our Baltimore Bureau

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Ben Carson's Latest Comments

Dr. Ben Carson recently compared Islamic refugees to "rabid dogs."

Mobile, Alabama

A spokesman for the radical jihadist group ISIS released a statement on Monday in which they took responsibility for comments made by Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson during a campaign stop here on Thursday. During the rally, Carson, trailing only Donald Trump in the polls, compared Islamic refugees to "rabid dogs," saying, "If there's a rabid dog running around in your neighborhood, you're probably not going to assume something good about that dog, And you're probably going to put your children out of the way. That doesn't mean that you hate all dogs." The retired neurosurgeon went on to say, "But you're going to put your intellect into motion and you're thinking, 'How do I protect my children at the same time? ... I'm going to call the humane society and hopefully they can come and take this dog away and create a safe environment once again.'"

In a statement disseminated via social media, ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammad al-Adnani wrote, "We have been in touch with Dr. Carson's campaign for several weeks, and were mutually working towards a way to incite hatred of Muslims among Americans, and thus justify our attacks among Americans and the West in general. We congratulate Ben on seeing this through."


From Our Montgomery Bureau

BREAKING: Donald Trump Announces That He Is Full-Blood Aboriginal

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump announces
that he is a member of the Onandaga tribe of New York.

New York, NY

Entrepreneur and Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump has been known for shocking crowds across the country and indeed the world, however almost no one saw Sunday's announcement coming.

In a hastily arranged news conference in what he called "the greatest city in the greatest country on the greatest planet - though I could make it even greater," the former host of The Apprentice  announced that he is in fact a member "in good standing" of the Onandaga tribe of New York state.

Standing beside his daughter Ivanka, the 69 year old said that he "had suspected for several years now that I was in fact one of 'em (Native American), because I enjoy hunting and gambling so much, So I went to my doctor, who by the way is the best of the best - I really can't say enough about that broad - and she confirmed that I am a full-blood native person."

The announcement is sure to assuage some Republicans who have suspected in the past that Trump is in fact an immigrant.

From Our New York Bureau

Milwaukee Hot Dog Vendor Named People's Sexiest Man Alive

Ted Jacobsen, People Magazine's Sexiest Man Of The Year 2015

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Life-long Wisconsin resident Ted Jacobsen knew something was out of the ordinary on Friday morning when he drove up to his usual parking spot on East Wells Street, and found a lineup waiting for him that extended three city blocks.

Jacobsen, 54, a native of Brookfield Waukesha County, has been selling "street-meat" in the same spot for 21 years. "Fridays are usually a slower day for me. Downtown business people usually go to the posh restaurants for lunch, rather than stopping by my truck," said Jacobsen, while preparing a bratwurst with mustard and sauerkraut, which he calls his speciality. "I thought it must be national hot dog day or something."

Jacobsen couldn't have been further from the truth, and he would have been informed had he caught ABC's Good Morning America earlier that morning. On the program, editors from People Magazine had named the single father "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2015.

Notably, this marks the first time that the honour has gone to someone other than a celebrity. Last year, actor Chris Hemsworth took the crown. Previous winners have included singer Adam Levine, actors George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and the late Patrick Swayze.

"Usually as a policy we don't take input from the general public into consideration, but the e-mails and tweets that we received from Milwaukee and Wisconsin residents in general were too much to ignore," said People editor Tanya Gershon.

Jacobsen has thus far refused invitations to appear on shows such as Ellen and The View, saying that "I need to stay on the job and put food on the table for my three kids (aged 15 to 31)." Asked what he hopes to gain from his new-found notoriety, Jacobsen simply said, "I just hope my famous weiner gets a lot more action now. So far, sales are up by 325%."

From Our Milwaukee Bureau

Facebook Users Change Profile Pictures In Solidarity With U.S. Bombing Raids

Menlo Park, California

Following the latest barrage of terrorist attacks that hit the city of Paris last Friday, the world has been trying to find ways to support the citizens of France. There were three days of national mourning, countless flowers have been laid, and multiple world landmarks - from the Empire State Building in New York to the historic Christ The Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro - were lit in the colours of the French flag. Amazon.com got in the act by showing a large French flag at the top of its site, with the word Solidarité (solidarity) prominently featured.

However, social media giant Facebook is being widely criticized for politicizing the events and giving its millions of users a chance to easily support the controversial American mission to bomb ISIS targets in Syria and Iraq. Beginning on Saturday, Facebook's 250 million users were given the opportunity to overlay the colours of the American flag - red, white, and blue - onto their profile pictures in order to support the deadly missions carried out by manned and unmanned planes. The missions have killed at least 459 civilians, including 100 children, in 52 air strikes as of August. According to Facebook, approximately 26.5 million of its users had taken the opportunity to support the United States as of Tuesday evening.

Facebook has been known to take controversial stances prior to this. Several months ago, the site gave its users the option of overlaying the colours of the rainbow onto their profile pictures, in order to commemorate the biblical account of Genesis 9, where God instituted a covenant with Noah by placing a rainbow in the sky and promised never ever to wipe the inhabitants of the earth off the planet ever again. Millions of Facebook users took advantage of this as well, which drew the ire of members or other religions or no religion.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Ben Carson Scolds Obama For Not Calling Him On Cell Phone

Republican Presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson in Henderson on Monday.

Henderson, Nevada

Republican Presidential hopeful Dr. Ben Carson lit into President Obama at a campaign stop on Monday in what was a bizarre and unexpected rant in front of the news media.

Carson, holding steady in the crowded Republican field of candidates, was in Henderson, where he addressed the Paris terrorist attacks as well as the issue of bringing Syrian refugees into the United States. Carson stated: "As president, I would give the mission to the Pentagon, and ask them what they need to accomplish the mission. The right number of boots on the ground is whatever the Pentagon says they need to accomplish the mission, and not a single person less."

The retired neurosurgeon, looking haggard, then bizarrely took out his smartphone from his jacket and began muttering into the microphone that he "kept trying to reach Obama, but the President insists on trying to reach me at home. I don't understand why he doesn't call me on my cell phone, especially on late nights when he might need my love. Ever since leaving Kenya, he has a reputation now, and personally, I feel left out."

Aides to the 64 year old quickly escorted Carson from the stage and a spokesman released a statement saying, "Mr. Carson, like anyone running for President, is simply experiencing slight fatigue. He'll be fine tomorrow."

From Our Las Vegas Bureau

Canada Set To Receive Over Two Million Refugees From Within Own Borders

Refugees seeking urgent assistance ahead of Céline Dion's planned performances in
Montreal & Quebec City

Quebec City, QC

Newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised during his campaign that he would welcome refugees to Canada. However, no one could have saw this coming.

On Sunday as Trudeau made the rounds at the G20 conference in Antalya, Turkey - his first foreign appearance - the 43 year old former teacher told his counterparts that under his leadership, Canada will accept over two million refugees by the end of July 2016. Trudeau had initially promised to welcome 25,000 refugees by the end of this year.

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, something that former Prime Minister Stephen Harper was loathe to do, Trudeau puzzled some by saying that all of the refugees would come not from Syria or Iraq, but from the province of Quebec.

Quebec native Céline Dion announced last week that she would perform five more concerts in her home province in addition to her previously scheduled Montreal and Quebec City dates, due to what her agent cited as "popular demand."

However, in an overnight poll conducted by The Sentinel Dispatch Journal Times Herald Tribune, 99.9% of the residents of the two historic cities revealed that they would sooner undergo the controversial and rather unpleasant experience of water-boarding before they would subject themselves to another concert by the 47 year old chanteuse.

Speaking from Turkey, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "While many Quebecers once tolerated Ms. Dion's performances, especially in her early days, once we had heard My Heart Will Go On ad nauseam, the overwhelming majority of us just couldn't do it anymore. Therefore, after consultation with my fellow MP's from Quebec as well as Minister of Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship John McCallum, we feel we have the obligation to accept 2,166,625 (the entire populations of the cities of Montreal and Quebec City), into the rest of Canada. I have already been in consultation with our premiers and territorial leaders as to how we can implement the smooth evacuation of these cities for the duration of Ms. Dion's tour." Dion is set to perform July 31, August 1, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 and 13 at the Bell Centre in Montreal, and three at the Centre Videotron in Quebec City on August 20, 21, and 24.

According to sources, the most enthusiastic support for the idea has come from Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne and Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall, though Peter Taptuna, Premier of Nunavut, has voiced strong concerns that some Dion supporters may sift through his borders and seriously injure the large husky population in the territory by subjecting them to hits such as The Power of Love, It's All Coming Back To Me Now, & That's The Way It Is.

From Our Quebec City Bureau

Albertans To Begin Massive Dump Of Nickelback Albums Into Rivers

Since Nickelback released its first album Curb in 1996, until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm.

Calgary, AB

Only one day after Montreal Mayor Denis Coderre was given the green light by Ottawa to implement a controversial plan that would release eight billion litres of raw sewage into the St. Lawrence River, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi is following suit with a similar plan of his own.

Just after midnight on Thursday, the sewage began pouring into the St. Lawrence after receiving approval from new federal Environment Minister Catherine McKenna. Mayor Coderre and city works officials have promised Quebecers that there will be scant signs of water discolouration and unpleasant odours.

The events in Montreal prompted a massive grassroots campaign by Albertans to allow them to gather at the convergence of the Elbow and Bow rivers and ceremoniously throw their entire Nickelback collections - in all their various forms - into the water. Popular Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi very soon came onboard and quickly gained the approval from Ms. McKenna and Prime Minister Trudeau.

The "Nickelback problem" has been one that city, provincial, and federal officials have been trying to solve since the Hanna, Alberta band released its first album Curb in 1996. From that time until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm. "It's reached epidemic proportions," said Alberta Health Minister Sarah Hoffman. "For years, myself and my predecessors have tried to introduce Albertans to marginally better bands such as Hedley, or even The Rankin Family, but they just can't seem to get (lead singer) Chad Kroeger's voice out of their consciousness. This was our last resort."

Beginning on Friday night, just after midnight, Albertans firstly, and then Canadians from throughout the country, will be given the opportunity to travel to the Elbow and Bow rivers and take some time to pause and reflect before tossing their CD's and vinyl records into the water. "People are welcome to bring anything from their collection, from Curb to Silver Side Up to No Fixed Address," said the Minister of Canadian Heritage, Mélanie Joly.

Realizing that this will most likely be a very emotional time of release for sufferers of the band, Ms. Joly said that "qualified therapists will be on hand to help Nickelback fans transition out of a life of auditory torture and into the life they deserve."

"Nickelback-Free Alberta" events are already popping up on the social media site Facebook.

From Our Calgary Bureau

Gordon Lightfoot Working On Extended Version Of "Edmund Fitzgerald"

Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot, 76, was recently honoured
with a bronze statue in his hometown of Orillia, Ontario.

Orillia, ON

It was 40 years ago this past Tuesday that the SS Edmund Fitzgerald sank during a fierce storm on Lake Superior, taking all 29 souls to the depths with it. The 729-foot vessel, once the largest ore-carrier on Lake Superior, went down in 520 feet of water at approximately 7:30 p.m. Winds of hurricane force — of 75 miles per hour — raised waves to 25 feet in 42-degree weather.

The Great Lakes have claimed thousands of ships since European explorers began navigating the waters in the 17th century, yet the Edmund Fitzgerald may to this day remain the most famous among them due to Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot's song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,  which became a Number 1 hit in Canada and peaked at Number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. The ballad originally appeared on Lightfoot's 1976 album Summertime Dream.

However, in an interview on Friday with The Sentinel Dispatch's John Sanders, the 76 year old Lightfoot revealed that in honour of the 40th anniversary of the tragedy, he has been working on an extended version of the song, which will be available through iTunes just in time for Christmas.

"Throughout the years it always nagged on me that the song was just too damned short," said Lightfoot of the song that originally clocked in at 6 minutes, 32 seconds. "Time and time again after almost every concert I've given throughout Canada, the States, and overseas, fans invariably come up to me and say, 'Mr. Lightfoot, I love that song, but why does it only have 7 verses? It goes by so quickly!' I just shrug my shoulders and hadn't given it much serious thought until this past year when the big anniversary was coming up. And then the ideas just started flying."

According to the Orillia, Ontario native, the extended version, which will feature 23 verses, will explore everything from the meaning of the term "Gitche Gumee," the true ethnicity of the great-grandfather of the ships doctor, as well as the type of coffee that the crew were drinking when the ship went down. "We all know the lyric When suppertime came/the old cook came on deck/
sayin' Fellas, it's too rough t'feed ya." What we don't know is what kind of coffee they were enjoying, if any, or even if they had a chance to play a round of gin."

The 2015 version of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald will be available December 19th. Lightfoot also confirms that he already has ideas for more verses in honour of the 50 year anniversary in 2025.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Baptist Churches In South To Boycott Starbucks Due To Dark Roast Coffee

Montgomery, Alabama

Only days after renowned religious historian Joshua Feuerstein created a firestorm by suggesting on YouTube that coffee giant Starbucks was suppressing the spirit of Christmas through its bland 2017 Christmas cups, a growing number of Baptist churches in the southern states are taking up his call for a boycott for even more controversial reasons.

On November 5th, Feuerstein, whose website lists his accomplishments such as being the subject of a recent BBC Trending episode and being a host or guest on television and syndicated radio talk shows such as TBN, said in his minute and a half viral video that "Do you realize that Starbucks wanted to take Christ and Christmas off of their brand new cups? In fact, do you know that Starbucks isn't allowed to say Merry Christmas to their customers?"

The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that an independent Baptist denomination in the southern states has gone further and has decided to boycott Starbucks for serving what it has deemed "black-supremacist coffee."

In an interview via Skype on Wednesday morning, Pastor Bryan Larkin, president of the Independent Southern Baptist Brotherhood of Churches, which boasts 42 congregations in Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, and South Carolina, told The Sentinel Dispatch that his members are set to implement a boycott of the coffee behemoth because of its darker roast coffees. "There used to be a time when coffee was coffee," said the 46 year old private school principal. "It really has been a slippery slope. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that our colored folk need jobs, but when they start influencing and controlling our coffee choices, that's where myself and many other Christians draw the line."

Larkin and other board members of the ISBBC have sent out instructions to its church members to boycott all Starbucks locations. "We had no problem when Starbucks only featured their milder Veranda Blend or even their Breakfast Blend and Pike Place Roast," said Larkin. "But when they introduced their Caffè Verona and Sumatra blends, it was crystal clear that they were promoting a black agenda. I mean, all the cream and sugar in the world can't overcome the darkness and bitterness of those coffees."

This Sunday, November 12th, inserts will be placed in all bulletins of Independent Southern Baptist Brotherhood of Churches congregations, instructing its members to choose Dunkin' Donuts or McDonald's coffee instead.

From Our Montgomery Bureau

Poppy Remains On Local Man's Sweater For Six Consecutive Minutes

Dugald, Manitoba

Leslie Fletcher of Dugald congratulates her father Harold Sampson
following his accomplishment.

When Harold Sampson woke up on Tuesday morning, he was shaking with a mixture of excitement and fatigue after getting only an hours sleep the night before. The 89 year old had envisioned this day for an entire year.

For the last 15 years, Sampson, a native of Dugald, just east of Winnipeg, has been attempting to break the Guinness World Record for consecutive minutes that a Remembrance Day poppy stays pinned on a man, woman, or child.

The scene at the local legion hall was as it had been for 15 years, with his wife of 62 years, Doreen, and a host of family and friends gathered to hopefully witness history, as well as to enjoy a pint of Molson Canadian. And as it has been every year, a representative from Guinness was present so that the organization could authenticate the record should it be broken.

The proceedings began with a friend and local WWII veteran Arnie Bellamy pinning a poppy on Sampson's sweater. "I went through hell and back for my country, and it's very rewarding to see friends like Harry being willing to do the same for me."

The red poppy-shaped pin with the black centre was placed on Sampson at 11:00am, and all was going well until 11:05am, when said poppy began to come loose from his sweater. At this point, Sampson remained stoic and held his head high, refusing to give in. When the clock above the billiard table hit 11:06am, history had been made. Harold Sampson now holds the Guinness World Record for consecutive minutes that a Remembrance Day poppy stays pinned on a human being.

The previous record of 5 minutes, 59 seconds was set in 1992 by Shirley Knelsen of Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia.

From Our Winnipeg Bureau

Interim Conservative Leader Bakes Hash Cookies On Live TV

Rona Ambrose
Interim Conservative Leader & Leader Of Canada's Official Opposition

Toronto, ON

It has only been four days since Rona Ambrose assumed the role of interim Conservative leader and Leader of the Opposition in Canada's House of Commons, yet she is already making waves and raising eyebrows.

Mrs. Ambrose, Member of Parliament for the Alberta riding of Edmonton-Spruce Grove, was voted in as interim leader shortly after Prime Minister Stephen Harper resigned following a crushing defeat by Justin Trudeau's Liberal Party on October 19th.

Already, the 46 year old, who has held prominent portfolios in the government including Minister of the Environment and Minister of Health, has been signaling to her party and to Canadians that she plans on moving the Conservative Party in a different direction.

One of her first announcements came on Friday, when she shocked Canadians by saying that she would support a public inquiry into missing and murdered indigenous women and children, something Mr. Harper had refused to implement for years despite an outcry from indigenous leaders as well as opposition parties.

But no one saw this morning's appearance on CityTv's Breakfast Television coming.

Mrs. Ambrose, a native of Valleyview, Alberta, appeared on the popular Toronto-based show during its weekly baking segment. When asked by host Kevin Frankish what her favourite holiday treat was and if she would be willing to "show Canadians her special touch," Mrs. Ambrose proceeded to produce two vials of hash oil from her pocket and pour the contents into a large bowl which already contained chocolate chip cookie dough. While pouring the oil into the bowl, she looked up and smiled at the crowd, saying "Come on, ladies, we all know how stressful Christmas can be. We do most of the cooking, the dishes, minding the kids. At some point you just have to chill out."

At that point, producers quickly cut to commercials. CityTV has not made itself available for comment to The Sentinel Dispatch as of press time.

The appearance marked a sharp turn-about from her vocalized outrage in June after the Supreme Court of Canada expanded the definition of medical marijuana beyond dried leaves, to include cannabis oils, teas, brownies and other forms of the drug.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Feud Erupts Between Sophie Trudeau And Céline Dion

Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau attempts to protect Sophie
Grégoire-Trudeau from litigation on election night.

Ottawa, ON

It seems as if the honeymoon is over for Canada's new first family, only days after Justin Trudeau was sworn in as the northern nation's 23rd Prime Minister.

According to multiple reports and confirmed by The Sentinel Dispatch  late Thursday evening, Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau, the 40-year-old wife of the Prime Minister was handed a cease and desist order as the family was relaxing at their temporary residence as they continue to make preparations to move into Rideau Cottage.

Several reports say that the litigation was brought forward by Canadian chanteuse Céline Dion, who is currently performing a string of shows in Las Vegas. According to the document, Ms. Dion, performer of such hits as All By Myself, That's The Way It Is, and My Heart Will Go On, has demanded that Grégoire-Trudeau stop the use of her trademark chest-thumping gesture, which the singer has been known for since childhood - an action that led to a broken right clavicle when Dion was 7 years of age. During the recently concluded election campaign, and particularly on election night, Grégoire-Trudeau was seen either gently touching or thumping her chest enthusiastically as assembled crowds shouted her husband's name. Close family friends have confirmed that the mother of three has been known to instinctively engage in the activity in public at awkward moments when the family is shopping or eating in posh restaurants.

Céline Dion, 47, registered the action as a trademark in 1997 and according to celinechesthump.com has missed 174 shows since that time due to deep bruises and broken bones.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Oilers Phenom McDavid Out Long-Term; Jays Fans Blame Shapiro

Oilers star Connor McDavid in NHL action vs Philadelphia on Tuesday night.

Edmonton, AB

The new president of the Toronto Blue Jays has only been on the job for two days, and he is already the most hated man in the Great White North.

Immediately after the club announced that popular general manager Alex Anthopoulos had rejected a new contract offer, speculation swirled that he was being pushed out by Mark Shapiro, former president of the Cleveland Indians.

The intensity of the hatred became more evident on Tuesday night when, during a home contest against the Philadelphia Flyers, forward Connor McDavid, the face and future of the Edmonton Oilers franchise, slammed hard into the end boards and suffered a broken collarbone. Twitter reaction was immediate and unrelenting:

"None of this would have happened if Rogers (owners of the baseball team) would have kept Alex. Shapiro's a bum!"

"Somewhere in a hotel room in Toronto, Mark Shapiro is slamming a Connor McDavid voodoo doll against a wall."

"What's a 48 year old American guy doing picking on an 18 yr old Canadian boy? I'm gonna cheer for the Phillies."

McDavid, the number one pick in the 2015 NHL draft, is expected to be out of action until January at the very least.

From Our Edmonton Bureau

Groundhog Emerges From Mulcair's Beard, Sees 4 More Years In Opposition

NDP leader Tom Mulcair in Châteauguay, Quebec last night.

Châteauguay, QC

It was a frantic day on the campaign trail yesterday for Tom Mulcair, as the NDP leader made several stops in key battleground ridings one day before the Canadian election. Mulcair, leader of the Official Opposition before the dissolution of the last parliament, spent the first part of his day making appearances in several Toronto locations, in an attempt to stave off what is appearing to be a growing Liberal tide.

The 60 year old Ottawa native then moved on to Quebec, where in 2011 the NDP, then under the late Jack Layton's leadership, rode to unprecedented heights in what came to be known as the Orange Crush. However, despite leading in the polls early on in the current campaign, Mulcair and the NDP faithful could very well be looking at a third place finish on Monday, as Justin Trudeau's Liberals have surged in the polls, and Conservative leader Stephen Harper has resorted to reaching out to former Toronto mayor Rob Ford for help.

Mulcair held his last large campain rally in the heart of Montreal on Sunday night, but afterwards kept a promise to a local candidate in the Greater Montreal riding of Châteauguay - Lacolle. Mulcair and incumbent MP Sylvain Chicoine held a small gathering outside a local café, where Mulcair repeated his election talking points. However, in the midst of describing his plan to consistently keep balanced budgets, an unexpected visitor interrupted the proceedings, as local legend Châteauguay Charles, a 12-year-old groundhog, emerged from Mulcair's beard and, by all accounts, made it quite clear that Monday's election results would not be kind to the NDP. After gingerly climbing down Mulcair's left jacket-sleeve, Charles scurried along a nearby sidewalk, where autumn leaves had fallen beside a trash can. The mercurial woodchuck first approached an orange leaf, curiously sniffing at it for two minutes, which is impressive considering a marmot's short attention span. However, he then noticed a discarded, peeled-off Labatt's Blue label - clearly a Conservative party omen - and proceeded to lick it for several moments before moving on. In the end, though, a bright, glorious red leaf received the affections of the creature. Those gathered watched in horror as Châteauguay Charles picked up the leaf with his left claw, stood up on his hind legs, and proceeded to wave to the crowd before scurrying off into the night. Charles prognostications of a third-place NDP finish sent those gathered into a nearby pub to drown their sorrows.

From Our Montreal Bureau

Green Party Leader's Self-Approval Ratings At All-Time High

Green Party leader Elizabeth May (r), at the Ottawa Press Gallery Dinner on May 9th.

Ottawa

With one day remaining until Canadians head to the ballot box to choose their next government, much of the hype is surrounding Justin Trudeau. Mere weeks ago, the Liberal leader was, by all accounts, headed for a third-place finish. However, heading into Monday, most prognosticators have the Ottawa native set to take the keys to 24 Sussex Drive.

But Elizabeth May, leader of Canada's Green Party, is having none of it.

In a snap poll conducted by The Sentinel Dispatch on Sunday, Ms. May's self-approval ratings were found to be at an all-time high. "To tell you the truth, I'd have to say that I'd give myself a 95% approval rating at this point of the long campaign," said May when reached by phone from her wind and solar-powered home in Sidney, British Columbia. "Despite what the media might be reporting, I think I've been extremely efficient and have come up with new ideas, though it's been tempting to recycle the same ideas over and over again. The other parties are saying the same things, they seem stuck. Meanwhile, I'm the only one who's been driven," remarked the native of Hartford, Connecticut. "And speaking of driven, I'm the only party leader who is proud to drive a hybrid. That's saying something."

Ms. May is the only Green Party member to ever have been elected to Canada's parliament - she was elected MP of Saanich-Gulf Islands in 2011 after two previous unsuccessful attempts to win a seat. Her party narrowly missed forming government in 2008 and 2011 after garnering 6.78% and 3.91% of the national vote respectively.

The 61 year old lawyer and activist has been criticized by many for siphoning off votes from the Liberal and New Democratic parties and thus aiding the Conservative Party, however she still insists that her party is "vastly different than those other old parties." In some ways, she is correct. She is the only national party leader to commit to mandatory five-year prison sentences for Canadians found guilty of disposing recyclable water bottles into regular waste bins. Ms. May has also said that by the year 2025, under a Green Party government, all jet-fuelled air travel would cease. Her technology critic, a sophomore at the University of British Columbia, when reached at his parents home in Victoria, explained the innovative project: "At the Green Party, we realize that people will still need to travel by air. For the past 5 years, the brightest and most creative young minds in the country have been brainstorming, and based on the principles of aerodynamics, by 2025 we'll have built a fleet of papier-mâché passenger planes. Our working theory is that if we build tall enough airstrips around the country, Canadians will come together and be able to launch these planes by means of their collective blowing."

When asked by The Sentinel Dispatch why she only gave herself a 95% approval rating, Ms. May admitted to lingering guilt over eating a piece of processed cheese in her youth.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Conservative Campaign Director Resigns After Tree-Planting Allegations

Conservative leader Stephen Harper with (now) former 2015 campaign director Jenni Byrne

Ottawa

With only three days remaining leading up to Canada's 42nd general election, one would think that the major party leaders would solely be focused on criss-crossing the country, fighting tooth and nail to either retain or increase support for their cause. However, for the second time in only two days, a party leader has been forced to part ways with one of their campaign directors.

Word quickly spread - as it does in Ottawa - on Friday afternoon, that Jenni Byrne, national director for Stephen Harper's Conservative election campaign, has abruptly stepped down after video was submitted to several news outlets, including the Sentinel Dispatch, that clearly shows the former Reform party staffer taking part in a tree-planting ceremony near her hometown of Fenelon Falls, Ontario. The event, according to several sources who also participated and spoke to media on condition of anonymity, took place three weeks ago in conjunction with the opening of a new elementary school in Ms. Byrne's riding.

It is clearly stated in Conservative party policy that "no candidate, staffer, or advisor to the leader will engage in any activity which is contrary to Conservative values - such as mishandling of public funds, electoral fraud, or appearing to show concern for Canada's environment."

The Conservative party under Stephen Harper has a long and proud history of standing by its principles of aggression towards the environment. Soon after taking power in 2006, Harper started to clamp down on research into global warming. He ousted his own science adviser and effectively killed the climate-change section of the Department of Foreign Affairs. He shut down the official website on climate change and tried to cut funding for the Polar Environment Atmosphere Research Laboratory, which had been at the forefront of monitoring deterioration in the ozone layer as well as climate change. In addition, an environmentally-friendly group out of British Columbia called Dogwood Initiative, reported that it had been under “illegal surveillance” by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS), and other groups and individuals had been muzzled. Also, though Harper has promised action on climate change, particularly in relation to the carbon that is released from Canada’s huge reserve of tar sands, now the third-biggest reservoir of oil on the planet, no such action has taken place; there are no emissions rules for its oil and gas sector. In 2011, the Harper government backed out of the Kyoto protocol, and to top it off, when the Centre for Global Development, in 2013, ranked 27 developed nations according to their handling of the environment, it placed Canada at number 27.

This is not the first time during the current election campaign that Ms. Byrne has been under scrutiny. On Day 38 of the current campaign, she was effectively taken off of the election tour bus and sent back to Ottawa due to the party's flagging fortunes before being given a second chance to right the ship.

Ms. Byrne becomes the second major party campaign director to step down amidst controversy in the last two days. On Wednesday, Liberal party co-campaign chair Dan Gagnier fell on his sword after it was revealed that he had sent a highly detailed letter to executives in big oil, advising them how to best lobby a minority government to achieve their goals toward the Energy East oil pipeline. Gagnier also has ties to Conservative lobbyist Bruce Carson, who was charged with fraud and influence peddling, as well as much-maligned former Liberal-turned-Conservative minister David Emerson.

When contacted by the Sentinel Dispatch, Conservative spokesman Kory Teneycke said that "while Jenni Byrne's service to her party and to our country has up til now been commendable, her reckless regard for nature can not and will not go unnoticed by this government."

Late Friday afternoon, Ms. Byrne was seen hastily placing cardboard boxes into the back of her hybrid Toyota Prius.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Scott Walker Becomes 87th Republican Candidate For 2016 Presidency

On Monday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker became the
87th Republican candidate for President.

Waukesha, Wisconsin

Scott Walker will tell anyone who will listen that he never expected to put forth his name as a candidate for President in 2016. The affable 47-year-old Governor of the Badger State said in a hastily arranged announcement video, released on Monday, that he was "completely satisfied to remain in state politics," and that his family "strongly urged him to stay out of the 2016 campaign." Yet, this morning, Walker, who just 3 years ago faced a gubernatorial recall scare, became the 87th Republican candidate (*as of press time) to join the 2016 race.

Walker, an avid motorcyclist and "huge fan of Tim McGraw, wild game-hunting, and Carly Rae Jepsen," flirted with running for President in 2012, but instead chose to focus on his book,  Unintimidated – A Governor's Story and A Nation's Challenge.

When contacted by The Sentinel Dispatch Journal Times, the husband and father of two sons explained his main reason for running: "About a month ago, Reince Priebus (Chairman of the Republican National Committee) called me up and we had a 15 minute heart-to-heart talk about democracy and the current dearth of choices facing the American public when it comes to the upcoming election. We talked a little about those who have already thrown their hat into the ring, like Jeb (Bush), Marco (Rubio), and Bobby (Jindal). We talked a little about Chris (Christie), Lindsey (Graham), and Ted (Cruz). We talked a bit about Rand (Paul), Mike (Huckabee), and a little about Rick (Perry). Really, when you think about it, America deserves more." According to Walker, Chairman Priebus said that "it is actually every American's duty as a citizen to run for President...and I agree with him. Each and every American is a unique individual and to deprive the nation of the choice to vote for them and their abilities is doing our great democracy a disservice. It actually should be mandatory that when an American turns 18, that they stand for their party's nomination. It should be as American as apple pie, baseball, and owning an assault rifle."

Walker indeed could be a rallying figure for moderates within the Republican party, as well as independent voters. In 2012, he was recalled after igniting controversy with a bill curtailing public-employee union collective-bargaining rights. In 2013, Walker signed a bill that requires women seeking abortions to undergo an ultrasound and doctors to show the women the image of the fetus.

Other declared Republican candidates thus far include former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard Carly Fiorina, and a bombastic, though affluent man from New York who holds the Guiness Book of World Records feat of Hairdo Which Most Resembles A Birds Nest.

From Our Milwaukee Bureau

Letterman's Final Guests To Include Norah Jones, Mumford, Johnny Cash

New York, NY

The old song goes "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to." However, in David Letterman's case, CBS is clearly saying, "It's his party, and absolutely everyone who matters in the entertainment business is going to show up."

After 33 years of being both a hilarious comedian as well as a respected interviewer - something hard to come by in late-night television these days - Letterman will turn off his microphone for the last time on May 20th. But if CBS has its way, you won't be missing a single episode leading up to the finale.

Yesterday, Worldwide Pants Incorporated, the company which produces Letterman's Late Show, released the names of many of the guests who will appear with the 68 year old at the Ed Sullivan theater in New York City.

Among the names are a who's who of both past and present celebrities. The list includes Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, Oprah Winfrey, Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal, Don Rickles, Michael Keaton, Tina Fey, and Bill Murray.

The most surprising announcement, however, came when Worldwide Pants released the names of some of Letterman's final musical acts. Among the stars who will perform are Tom Waits, Elvis Costello, Norah Jones, John Mayer, Mumford & Sons, and the elusive Johnny Cash, who has kept a low profile for over a decade.

Cash, 83, has not performed publicly since July 5, 2003 at The Carter Family Fold, but according to Time magazine, he "jumped at the chance to support his long-time friend, Mr. Letterman."

The news sent shockwaves throughout the music industry, and was a trending topic on Twitter yesterday as fans, who presumed the Man In Black was deceased, woke up to the announcement.

The popular singer of hits such as I Walk The Line, Folsom Prison Blues, and Ring of Fire was initially thought to have succumbed to complications from diabetes in September 2003. However, many long-time fans questioned the story as Cash continued to release several new albums in subsequent years. In 2006, three years after his supposed death, the Arkansas native released A Hundred Highways, the fifth in his highly successful American Recordings series, produced by Rick Rubin. Then in 2010, a seventh album, Ain't No Grave, was released. Cash, who came to stardom through Sun Records in the 1950's, rejuvenated his career in 2002 with his popular cover of the Nine Inch Nails song Hurt.

"Johnny continues to write prolifically and still insists on holding weekly recording sessions," said Rubin in an interview with the Sentinel Dispatch. "The man has the energy of someone half his age, and he's excited about performing for his fans again on the Late Show."

From Our New York City Bureau

Fidel Castro Lauds Hillary Clinton's Presidential Aspirations

Former Cuban President Fidel Castro has penned a lengthy column,
published in today's Granma newspaper.

Havana

It seems as though the first Democrat to announce her candidacy for the American presidency has an unlikely ally. In a column appearing today in the Cuban newspaper Granma - the official newspaper of the Central Committee of the Cuban Communist Party - Fidel Castro gives former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton high praise for seeking the highest office in America. Castro, the long-time president of Cuba and adversary of the United States, was known for his marathon speeches. He once spoke for 4.5 hours at the UN General Assembly, and for 7 hours and 10 minutes at the gathering of the 1986 Communist Party Congress. It is no surprise, then, that today's article spanned 6 full pages.

Within the intriguing tome, Castro admits that he was initially skeptical about the thawing of relations between once bitter enemies. "When (brother and current president) Raul and the party first approached me for advice on the situation, before the beginning of the talks, I adamantly said that it would be like dealing with the diablo himself. Like many of you, my brothers and sisters, I thought it was an affront and a betrayal of everything that our fathers and grandfathers stood for."

Castro, who handed over the presidency to his brother in 2008, told Granma that it took several months for him to come around to the idea that Cubans and Americans could be friendly with one another, let alone form business partnerships or sit across from each other at diplomatic tables.  "Age does something to a person. Some of you will call this a softening, or even a touch of dementia. But I think of the children playing in the streets of Havana. Do I want them to grow up with hatred in their heart for someone, just because they fly a different flag than we do? That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave."

While it was widely reported that the elder Castro has had very little to do with the current American-Cuban negotiations, according to Fidel, this is not the case. "I fully respect my brother's role and his competency as president. At the same time, I am grateful that he, as well as the party, still consult me from time to time."

In an interesting, even eyebrow-raising paragraph, Castro writes that he has supported the Clinton family for many years. "Quietly, and from a distance, I had respect for Mr. Clinton, and the Democratic Party in general. During his time in the Oval Office, his country saw economic stability and growth; it was a relatively peaceful time. The same can not be said for George Bush or his son."
Castro then addresses Hillary Clinton's newly-announced candidacy for the American presidency. "I have always respected and admired strong female leadership, whether it be Angela Merkel or Margaret Thatcher. They are good role models for our daughters who are taking classes in our universities. It was during her time as Secretary of State that the Americans reached out to us to seek peaceful relations."

"I personally spoke to Mrs. Clinton's team months ago and told them that not only would I support them in my writings and meetings with international leaders, but I would also support them financially. To that end, I have already contributed 250,000 pesos (approx. $250,000 US) to the campaign. I also offered to appear with Mrs. Clinton on the campaign trail when my health allows, but I understand that doing so may have a negative effect."

According to Castro, the only thing that he asked for in return was a symbolic gesture of appreciation from the Hillary For America team. "I was touched, frankly, when they revealed their campaign logo yesterday, that they clearly incorporated Cuba's great and proud flag. Our two countries, though divided for many years, have much in common, such as freedom of expression, assembly, and the right to justice."

As a gesture of "personal friendship," Castro has also sent a box of hand-rolled Cuban cigars to the would-be first spouse, Bill Clinton.

From Our Havana Bureau

Netflix To Offer Subscribers The Option To Binge-Watch Shitty Commercials

Los Gatos, CA - 

In what has been the entertainment industry's worst-kept secret since Bruce Jenner's gender-swap, Netflix Chief Content Officer Ted Sarandos announced via video on Sunday that the on-demand online streaming behemoth will soon be offering a service that "thousands of our customers have been wanting for several years."

According to Sarandos, the company, founded in 1997, has been receiving an "increasing, almost to the point of overwhelming amount of feedback," requesting that the company offer a full slate of some of the shittiest commercials from various corporations over the last several decades.

"Beginning in the mid 2000's, we began to receive e-mails from customers all over North America; they were frustrated that their needs for binge-watching low-budget, or even high-budget commercials from some of their favourite companies, like McDonalds, Bounty paper towels, Irish Spring, etc - that they weren't being met. It took some arm-twisting, but I was eventually able to convince (Netflix CEO) Reed Hastings that there was a real need for such a service.

In July of last year, Netflix cracked the 50 million subscriber level, with its availability in 40 countries and counting.

According to Sarandos, unlike some of its programming, the SCC (Shitty Commercial Channel) will be available to all its subscribers, regardless of where they live. "We thought it was unfair that the child in Sacramento did not have access to really shitty South Korean toy commercials, or that a child in Calcutta may be unaware how much happiness a Happy Meal really can bring."

According to preliminary internal polling, there is already evidence that the Shitty Commercial Channel could challenge series like House of Cards and Orange Is The New Black. 

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Rhode Island Man Overwhelmed By Thousands Of Birthday Well-Wishes

Warwick resident Tom Whilton turned 40 today.

Providence - A life-long Rhode Islander is "speechless and overwhelmed" on what has turned out to be the most memorable birthday he has ever experienced.

As it is with many people approaching the big 4-0, Warwick resident Tom Whilton was dreading March 20th. "I've become used to spending most of my birthdays alone, but it's somehow been more painful this year with my thirties coming to an end." Whilton, a construction worker, decided that he would try to make the best of his milestone and invite several of his co-workers and neighbors to the local pub for drinks and a few rounds of pool. The only problem is that not one person replied affirmatively. "It says a lot when not one of the people that you interact with on a regular basis wants to be around you on such a special occasion," said the Atari enthusiast in an interview via Skype from his parent's basement.

Whilton says that he was hurt most by the fact that he put in special effort to invite female friends to his party in an effort to finally solve a life-long problem. "I really didn't want to hit 40 and still be a virgin at the end of the night. So what happened next was incredible."

On Friday evening after her son returned home half drunk and alone from the bar, having lost 50 dollars at the pool table, Mindy Whilton posted to her Facebook page as well as to her knitting group page that her son was in a bad state:

"My son Thomas turned 40 today, and despite making an effort to invite his friends, especially women, to his party, not one person showed up - not one effing person! Those of you who know Tommy know that he's a good guy. He's conscientious, prompt, his personal hygiene is on the up-swing. It would really make him, as well as his father and I, happy, if Thomas could actually lose his virginity before midnight hits. HELP!!! Plz LIKE and SHARE, and if you're a young-ish, polite woman reading this, here's his number. Just text him! 387-350-****."

Tom was mildly annoyed when his early-model Blackberry started to send him non-stop text notifications, as he had found an unfinished six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his beer fridge and had passed out, hoping to numb himself until the dreadful day had passed. It all changed when he picked up his phone. "Out of the blue I was getting what was at first 50, then 100, then several hundred texts, all wishing me a happy birthday," said Whilton. "I finally felt some self-esteem and pride, that, although I had no real friends, so many people I couldn't give a flying f*** about were sending me greetings!" Several friends of Mindy Whilton, 67, showed up with baked goods, casseroles, and knitted slippers to mark the occasion.

When asked if he expected that his illustrious and seemingly unattainable goal would be attained by midnight, Whilton confided that out of the thousands of texts, tweets, and Facebook messages he had received as of press time, only two women had offered to help him with his problem. "Unfortunately, one of the ladies was still recovering from her second hip replacement, and the other lived in Poland and her husband strongly objects."

From Our Providence Bureau

REPORT: Ontario To Phase Out Home Ambulance Service In June

Toronto - According to senior officials inside Ontario's Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Premier Kathleen Wynne is set to remove a long-standing pillar of health services in Canada's most populous province.

On Saturday afternoon, three officials working under Dr. Eric Hoskins, Ontario's Minister of Health and Long-Term Care, confirmed in separate e-mails to The Sentinel Dispatch that beginning in June of this year, the province will be ending home ambulance service in order to contain costs.

Currently, a single, normal land ambulance service costs approximately $240.00. Until now, Ontario taxpayers have been billed $45.00, with the rest of the service being covered by the government.

However, according to the Health Ministry sources, the cost of maintaining ambulances, as well as paying thousands of paramedics has become unfeasible. "Premier Wynne has been in talks with Minister Hoskins about this even before she won the Liberal leadership," said one source. "Once she became premier, she rewarded him for his cooperation on this particular matter."

Another source revealed that in scrapping what many Ontarians see as an essential service, the Premier hopes to instill a spirit of community. "Everyone in our office believe in Kathleen and her extraordinary heart and vision. Aside from costs, the main reason for eliminating home ambulance service is to build teamwork and a sense of family among Ontarians." The unnamed worker, who has worked for the Health Ministry for 18 years, provided further details: "Beginning in mid-June, when Ontarians feel that they need medical assistance, they will have a couple of choices. The first choice is to push themselves to get out of the house, in doing so getting some much-needed exercise and curbing the alarming obesity rate. The second choice is for people to set up an emergency call list of family, friends, or neighbours who they can call if they are in distress, thus building stronger family ties and friendship."

Another source confirmed that the Premier initially considered setting up community drop-off sites, where patients with health needs could travel to and receive a free warm beverage and snack before being transferred to hospital by ambulance. However, this was also seen as too costly.

The millions of dollars that the Ontario government will save is expected to be spent in other highly-needed areas. "Some of the saved money will be going to new bureaucrats like our party's new executive director (and former chief of staff to former Toronto mayor Rob Ford), while a portion of it will go to current and anticipated lawsuits."

The controversial move comes only months after Canada Post revealed that it would begin phasing out door-to-door mail delivery.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau

NHL Trade Deadline: Phaneuf "Excited" To Join New-Look Blue Jays

Dion Phaneuf tallied 42 goals and 166 points in 353 games with the Maple Leafs.

Toronto - A rather quiet NHL trade deadline day for the Toronto Maple Leafs ended with a somewhat surprising move on Monday afternoon as the storied Canadian franchise said goodbye to team captain Dion Phaneuf.

Phaneuf, acquired in January of 2010 from the Calgary Flames, had long been rumoured to be on the trading block, that is if another team was willing to take on a substantial portion of his well-earned seven-year, $49 million (U.S.) extension which he signed in 2013. As Monday approached, several teams had expressed interest - Colorado, Dallas, and Anaheim among them. The Detroit Red Wings, however, seemed to be the team with the most bargaining chips; they instead acquired defenceman Marek Zidlicky from the New Jersey Devils, leaving many to wonder if Phaneuf would remain a fixture at the Air Canada Centre.

However, at 3:30pm, half an hour after the trade deadline passed, word came from the league office that the Edmonton native would indeed be packing his bags. However, the 29-year-old won't be looking for a real estate agent anytime soon. In a rare move between leagues, one which hasn't occurred in decades, Phaneuf has been acquired by the Toronto Blue Jays, who play their home games at Rogers Centre, a mere fifteen minute walk from the ACC.

"We are thrilled to add a player of Dion's caliber to our clubhouse," said Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos. "He's been on our radar for a few months now, and when (left fielder Michael) Saunders went down with his unfortunate injury (the newly acquired outfielder stepped awkwardly on a sprinkler-head during training), we decided to step up and began serious negotiations with the Leafs."

While hockey is Phaneuf's premiere sport, he does have an impressive baseball résumé. He grew up playing baseball in climate-friendly Edmonton until the age of 8. While primarily used as his little-league team's fourth outfielder, Phaneuf also tried his hand on the mound, another quality which impressed Anthopoulos. Toronto, while projected to vastly improve on their 83-79 record from last year, has yet to add some much-needed depth in their bullpen. "Dion has a huge upside in that area, and we'll give him every chance to be a valuable arm down in the pen if we need him. He threw out the first pitch in a game in 2012 and had more than a few scouts talking."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday evening, Phaneuf said he was "surprised, but excited to be joining a team with a loyal fan base that is used to a winning product on the field. I'll do what I can in whatever capacity I'm needed."

In exchange for Phaneuf, the Maple Leafs will receive Ace, the long-time mascot for Canada's only MLB team, plus 25 Rawlings baseballs.

From Our Toronto Bureau