BREAKING: Toronto Blue Jays Place Entire Roster On Disabled List

Toronto Blue Jays pitcher J.A. Happ leaves his last start with an elbow injury.

Los Angeles

When it rains it pours for the lowly Toronto Blue Jays. Mere hours after consigning shortstop Troy Tulowitzki to the 10-day disabled list with a hamstring injury, the team announced that they are going ahead and placing their entire major league roster on the shelf.

The Blue Jays, with 4 wins and 12 losses going into Saturday night's action against the Los Angeles Angels, had previously placed all-star third baseman Josh Donaldson (calf) on the disabled list, along with pitchers Aaron Sanchez (finger) and J.A. Happ (elbow).

"With the way our players have been going down, and considering our atrocious start to the season, we talked it over and decided it's in our best interest to place the whole club on the DL," said general manager Ross Atkins. "Jose Bautista has a bunyan on his left foot, Ryan Goins had a significant sneezing episode last night, and Justin Smoak has a bit of a sore throat." Asked what the issue is with catcher Russell Martin, Atkins replied, "Oh, him, he's just awful."

Jays president Mark Shapiro has announced that the team will continue to play games with fill-ins from their minor-league affiliate, the Buffalo Bisons. Pitcher Casey Lawrence starts his first major league game against the Angels tonight.

From Our Toronto Bureau

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Truly Awful Katherine Heigl Film

Unforgettable was  produced by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

Los Angeles

The Islamic State has successfully carried out its second terror attack in as many days, releasing the truly awful movie Unforgettable, starring Katherine Heigl and Rosario Dawson.

A day after French assailant Karim Cheurfi shot and killed a police officer on Paris' Champs-Elysees, the terror group unleashed the 1 hour and 40 minute assault on movie-goers in America, the UK, Ireland, and Cambodia, with further plans to do so worldwide.

The movie, sporting a tagline of "When Love Ends, Madness Begins" was directed by Denise Di Novi, and produced by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. It features Heigl as Tessa Connover, a deranged woman who is jealous of her ex-husband's new relationship with Julia, played by Dawson.

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone writes that "Unforgettable is definitely the wrong title for a movie you want to erase from your memory the second it ends." He goes on to call the $12,000,000 film "sexist, exploitative trash." Gary Thompson of the Philadelphia Daily News says "One day (very) soon, folks will be watching it on cable, downing pints of pinot, and groaning at (its) lurid, eye-popping tactlessness."

Unforgettable currently has a 24% rating on RottenTomatoes.com.

The Weeknd Offers $50K Reward For Missing Vowel

The Weeknd hasn't been able to locate the missing vowel
 from his name for the past 7 years.

Los Angeles – Canadian singer/songwriter The Weeknd held a news conference in Los Angeles on Wednesday, urgently asking for the public’s help in locating the vowel “e” that is missing from his name.

The 27-year old artist, known for his hits including Can’t Feel My Face and The Hills, looked visibly shaken as he described the loss of the vowel. “This is a hard thing for me to talk about. I haven’t been able to locate it since 2010,” said The Weeknd, whose birth name is Abel Makkonen Tesfaye.

Recently linked romantically to Selena Gomez, the star said he “doesn’t want to get married and pass down the defective name to (his) kids. In 2015 I went so far as to try out for Wheel of Fortune, hoping to buy the letter, but I was rejected."

The Weeknd is offering a $50K reward for the return of the missing vowel.

Trudeau Government To Legalize Medicinal Alcohol For Children

While Ottawa will set a minimum age of 16 to buy, the provinces will have
the option of setting a lower age limit if they wish.

Ottawa - The Liberal government will announce legislation next month that will legalize medicinal alcohol for children in Canada by July 1, 2018.

The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that the legislation will be announced around April 10 and will follow the recommendation of a task force that was chaired by former liberal Justice Minister Anne McLellan.

The federal government will be in charge of making sure the country's alcohol supply is safe and secure and Ottawa will license producers.

But the provinces will have the right to decide how the alcohol is distributed and sold. Provincial governments will also have the right to set price.

While Ottawa will set a minimum age of 16 to buy, the provinces will have the option of setting a lower age limit if they wish.


As for Canadians who want to brew their own beer, they will be limited to four kegs per household. Regulations for those consuming wine or spirits are forthcoming.

Children's rights activists herald the news as a major victory. "Gone are the dark ages when we didn't know anything about the effects of alcohol on children. Research shows that getting a buzz on is healthy for any child, but particularly those who may be sick with a debilitating disease, or even a cold or flu," said Cynthia Jackson, executive director of the Ottawa Children's Hub.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

CNN Executive Briefly Panics After Zero Terrorist Attacks

Calm-counselors are being called in to the network to help employees deal with the slow news cycle.

Atlanta, GA

CNN head news director Jason Farnstone admits that he has never felt anything like it. And he doesn't want to feel it again. A full day had passed since the latest terrorist attack, this time outside of the British parliament, and the veteran journalist, as well as many of his colleagues, were anxiously depending on another attack to hit and thus continue to have an important, breaking news story to cover. "Twenty-four hours is a lifetime in the cable news business, and we depend on these stories to keep our anchors wide-eyed and alert," said Farnstone. "The fact that so much time has passed since the attacks in London is, frankly, concerning. Our viewers tune in expecting to see dust and debris and bloodied faces, just like sports fans tune into Cowboys games expecting to see scantily-clad cheerleaders. The effect of London is starting to wear off."

According to sources inside CNN's vaunted newsroom, distress is starting to set in among some of the network's top anchors. "Wolf hasn't slept since this whole thing began, and Anderson, we have him waiting at the airport just wondering which attacked city we're going to send him to next," said a producer on the condition of anonymity. "My money's on Copenhagen, but others are wagering on cities as far ranging as Madrid to Frankfurt to Los Angeles."

Calm-counselors are being called in to the network to help employees deal with the slow news cycle.

From Our Atlanta Bureau

Scotland Urges Vote On Independence From Comedian Billy Connolly

Actor/Comedian Billy Connolly is facing a movement
that is seeking his removal from Scotland.

Edinburgh - The Scottish Parliament on Tuesday backed a bid to hold a referendum on independence from failing comedian Billy Connolly in 2018 or 2019, and the British government immediately approved the proposal.

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon cited the 74-year-old's unimpressive film career as the tantamount reason for the upcoming vote. 

"Have you ever seen his classics such as Muppet Treasure Island (1996), Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties (2006), or The Boondock Saints II (2009)?" asked Sturgeon. "Mr. Connolly has long been a stain on our nation, and we have taken steps today to rectify the situation."

Connolly, a native of Glasgow, began his career as an unimpressive banjo-playing folk singer, moved into acting, and eventually comedy. 

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch, Connolly's agent said that in the event of a Yes vote, his client would seek to reside "in a country where no one has seen his films." 

That leaves quite the selection

From Our Edinburgh Bureau

Trump Signs Order Protecting Creature On Top Of Head

Washington - President Donald Trump on Tuesday continued his series of executive orders. The 45th president traveled to the Environmental Protection Agency and initially announced his “Energy Independence” order, while flanked by a group of coal miners and executives. The order's main target is the Clean Power Plan brought in under the Obama administration,  which required states to reduce carbon emissions from power plants. It also reverses a ban on coal leasing on federal lands, undoes rules to curb methane emissions from oil and gas production and reduces the weight of climate change and carbon emissions in policy and infrastructure permitting decisions.

However, the President appeared to reach out to concerned environmentalists and animal rights activists by issuing a second executive order, entitled the “Endangered Unknown Creature On The Top of My Head Act.” According to Tony Benson, executive director of the World Wildlife Fund, there is only one such creature in existence on the planet. “Protecting this creature, as yet unnamed, has been one of our top priorities for the past 40 or 50 years. It is native to New York City but currently spends most of its time in the nation’s capital while frequently flying to Florida,” said Benson. The creature is thought to be genetically related to the Dodo as well as the Brooklyn Feral Fox.

Numerous attempts have been made to find a suitable mate for the creature, with no success thus far.