Letterman's Final Guests To Include Norah Jones, Mumford, Johnny Cash

New York, NY

The old song goes "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to." However, in David Letterman's case, CBS is clearly saying, "It's his party, and absolutely everyone who matters in the entertainment business is going to show up."

After 33 years of being both a hilarious comedian as well as a respected interviewer - something hard to come by in late-night television these days - Letterman will turn off his microphone for the last time on May 20th. But if CBS has its way, you won't be missing a single episode leading up to the finale.

Yesterday, Worldwide Pants Incorporated, the company which produces Letterman's Late Show, released the names of many of the guests who will appear with the 68 year old at the Ed Sullivan theater in New York City.

Among the names are a who's who of both past and present celebrities. The list includes Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell, Oprah Winfrey, Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal, Don Rickles, Michael Keaton, Tina Fey, and Bill Murray.

The most surprising announcement, however, came when Worldwide Pants released the names of some of Letterman's final musical acts. Among the stars who will perform are Tom Waits, Elvis Costello, Norah Jones, John Mayer, Mumford & Sons, and the elusive Johnny Cash, who has kept a low profile for over a decade.

Cash, 83, has not performed publicly since July 5, 2003 at The Carter Family Fold, but according to Time magazine, he "jumped at the chance to support his long-time friend, Mr. Letterman."

The news sent shockwaves throughout the music industry, and was a trending topic on Twitter yesterday as fans, who presumed the Man In Black was deceased, woke up to the announcement.

The popular singer of hits such as I Walk The Line, Folsom Prison Blues, and Ring of Fire was initially thought to have succumbed to complications from diabetes in September 2003. However, many long-time fans questioned the story as Cash continued to release several new albums in subsequent years. In 2006, three years after his supposed death, the Arkansas native released A Hundred Highways, the fifth in his highly successful American Recordings series, produced by Rick Rubin. Then in 2010, a seventh album, Ain't No Grave, was released. Cash, who came to stardom through Sun Records in the 1950's, rejuvenated his career in 2002 with his popular cover of the Nine Inch Nails song Hurt.

"Johnny continues to write prolifically and still insists on holding weekly recording sessions," said Rubin in an interview with the Sentinel Dispatch. "The man has the energy of someone half his age, and he's excited about performing for his fans again on the Late Show."

From Our New York City Bureau

Fidel Castro Lauds Hillary Clinton's Presidential Aspirations

Former Cuban President Fidel Castro has penned a lengthy column,
published in today's Granma newspaper.

Havana

It seems as though the first Democrat to announce her candidacy for the American presidency has an unlikely ally. In a column appearing today in the Cuban newspaper Granma - the official newspaper of the Central Committee of the Cuban Communist Party - Fidel Castro gives former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton high praise for seeking the highest office in America. Castro, the long-time president of Cuba and adversary of the United States, was known for his marathon speeches. He once spoke for 4.5 hours at the UN General Assembly, and for 7 hours and 10 minutes at the gathering of the 1986 Communist Party Congress. It is no surprise, then, that today's article spanned 6 full pages.

Within the intriguing tome, Castro admits that he was initially skeptical about the thawing of relations between once bitter enemies. "When (brother and current president) Raul and the party first approached me for advice on the situation, before the beginning of the talks, I adamantly said that it would be like dealing with the diablo himself. Like many of you, my brothers and sisters, I thought it was an affront and a betrayal of everything that our fathers and grandfathers stood for."

Castro, who handed over the presidency to his brother in 2008, told Granma that it took several months for him to come around to the idea that Cubans and Americans could be friendly with one another, let alone form business partnerships or sit across from each other at diplomatic tables.  "Age does something to a person. Some of you will call this a softening, or even a touch of dementia. But I think of the children playing in the streets of Havana. Do I want them to grow up with hatred in their heart for someone, just because they fly a different flag than we do? That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave."

While it was widely reported that the elder Castro has had very little to do with the current American-Cuban negotiations, according to Fidel, this is not the case. "I fully respect my brother's role and his competency as president. At the same time, I am grateful that he, as well as the party, still consult me from time to time."

In an interesting, even eyebrow-raising paragraph, Castro writes that he has supported the Clinton family for many years. "Quietly, and from a distance, I had respect for Mr. Clinton, and the Democratic Party in general. During his time in the Oval Office, his country saw economic stability and growth; it was a relatively peaceful time. The same can not be said for George Bush or his son."
Castro then addresses Hillary Clinton's newly-announced candidacy for the American presidency. "I have always respected and admired strong female leadership, whether it be Angela Merkel or Margaret Thatcher. They are good role models for our daughters who are taking classes in our universities. It was during her time as Secretary of State that the Americans reached out to us to seek peaceful relations."

"I personally spoke to Mrs. Clinton's team months ago and told them that not only would I support them in my writings and meetings with international leaders, but I would also support them financially. To that end, I have already contributed 250,000 pesos (approx. $250,000 US) to the campaign. I also offered to appear with Mrs. Clinton on the campaign trail when my health allows, but I understand that doing so may have a negative effect."

According to Castro, the only thing that he asked for in return was a symbolic gesture of appreciation from the Hillary For America team. "I was touched, frankly, when they revealed their campaign logo yesterday, that they clearly incorporated Cuba's great and proud flag. Our two countries, though divided for many years, have much in common, such as freedom of expression, assembly, and the right to justice."

As a gesture of "personal friendship," Castro has also sent a box of hand-rolled Cuban cigars to the would-be first spouse, Bill Clinton.

From Our Havana Bureau

Netflix To Offer Subscribers The Option To Binge-Watch Shitty Commercials

Los Gatos, CA - 

In what has been the entertainment industry's worst-kept secret since Bruce Jenner's gender-swap, Netflix Chief Content Officer Ted Sarandos announced via video on Sunday that the on-demand online streaming behemoth will soon be offering a service that "thousands of our customers have been wanting for several years."

According to Sarandos, the company, founded in 1997, has been receiving an "increasing, almost to the point of overwhelming amount of feedback," requesting that the company offer a full slate of some of the shittiest commercials from various corporations over the last several decades.

"Beginning in the mid 2000's, we began to receive e-mails from customers all over North America; they were frustrated that their needs for binge-watching low-budget, or even high-budget commercials from some of their favourite companies, like McDonalds, Bounty paper towels, Irish Spring, etc - that they weren't being met. It took some arm-twisting, but I was eventually able to convince (Netflix CEO) Reed Hastings that there was a real need for such a service.

In July of last year, Netflix cracked the 50 million subscriber level, with its availability in 40 countries and counting.

According to Sarandos, unlike some of its programming, the SCC (Shitty Commercial Channel) will be available to all its subscribers, regardless of where they live. "We thought it was unfair that the child in Sacramento did not have access to really shitty South Korean toy commercials, or that a child in Calcutta may be unaware how much happiness a Happy Meal really can bring."

According to preliminary internal polling, there is already evidence that the Shitty Commercial Channel could challenge series like House of Cards and Orange Is The New Black. 

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Rhode Island Man Overwhelmed By Thousands Of Birthday Well-Wishes

Warwick resident Tom Whilton turned 40 today.

Providence - A life-long Rhode Islander is "speechless and overwhelmed" on what has turned out to be the most memorable birthday he has ever experienced.

As it is with many people approaching the big 4-0, Warwick resident Tom Whilton was dreading March 20th. "I've become used to spending most of my birthdays alone, but it's somehow been more painful this year with my thirties coming to an end." Whilton, a construction worker, decided that he would try to make the best of his milestone and invite several of his co-workers and neighbors to the local pub for drinks and a few rounds of pool. The only problem is that not one person replied affirmatively. "It says a lot when not one of the people that you interact with on a regular basis wants to be around you on such a special occasion," said the Atari enthusiast in an interview via Skype from his parent's basement.

Whilton says that he was hurt most by the fact that he put in special effort to invite female friends to his party in an effort to finally solve a life-long problem. "I really didn't want to hit 40 and still be a virgin at the end of the night. So what happened next was incredible."

On Friday evening after her son returned home half drunk and alone from the bar, having lost 50 dollars at the pool table, Mindy Whilton posted to her Facebook page as well as to her knitting group page that her son was in a bad state:

"My son Thomas turned 40 today, and despite making an effort to invite his friends, especially women, to his party, not one person showed up - not one effing person! Those of you who know Tommy know that he's a good guy. He's conscientious, prompt, his personal hygiene is on the up-swing. It would really make him, as well as his father and I, happy, if Thomas could actually lose his virginity before midnight hits. HELP!!! Plz LIKE and SHARE, and if you're a young-ish, polite woman reading this, here's his number. Just text him! 387-350-****."

Tom was mildly annoyed when his early-model Blackberry started to send him non-stop text notifications, as he had found an unfinished six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his beer fridge and had passed out, hoping to numb himself until the dreadful day had passed. It all changed when he picked up his phone. "Out of the blue I was getting what was at first 50, then 100, then several hundred texts, all wishing me a happy birthday," said Whilton. "I finally felt some self-esteem and pride, that, although I had no real friends, so many people I couldn't give a flying f*** about were sending me greetings!" Several friends of Mindy Whilton, 67, showed up with baked goods, casseroles, and knitted slippers to mark the occasion.

When asked if he expected that his illustrious and seemingly unattainable goal would be attained by midnight, Whilton confided that out of the thousands of texts, tweets, and Facebook messages he had received as of press time, only two women had offered to help him with his problem. "Unfortunately, one of the ladies was still recovering from her second hip replacement, and the other lived in Poland and her husband strongly objects."

From Our Providence Bureau

REPORT: Ontario To Phase Out Home Ambulance Service In June

Toronto - According to senior officials inside Ontario's Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Premier Kathleen Wynne is set to remove a long-standing pillar of health services in Canada's most populous province.

On Saturday afternoon, three officials working under Dr. Eric Hoskins, Ontario's Minister of Health and Long-Term Care, confirmed in separate e-mails to The Sentinel Dispatch that beginning in June of this year, the province will be ending home ambulance service in order to contain costs.

Currently, a single, normal land ambulance service costs approximately $240.00. Until now, Ontario taxpayers have been billed $45.00, with the rest of the service being covered by the government.

However, according to the Health Ministry sources, the cost of maintaining ambulances, as well as paying thousands of paramedics has become unfeasible. "Premier Wynne has been in talks with Minister Hoskins about this even before she won the Liberal leadership," said one source. "Once she became premier, she rewarded him for his cooperation on this particular matter."

Another source revealed that in scrapping what many Ontarians see as an essential service, the Premier hopes to instill a spirit of community. "Everyone in our office believe in Kathleen and her extraordinary heart and vision. Aside from costs, the main reason for eliminating home ambulance service is to build teamwork and a sense of family among Ontarians." The unnamed worker, who has worked for the Health Ministry for 18 years, provided further details: "Beginning in mid-June, when Ontarians feel that they need medical assistance, they will have a couple of choices. The first choice is to push themselves to get out of the house, in doing so getting some much-needed exercise and curbing the alarming obesity rate. The second choice is for people to set up an emergency call list of family, friends, or neighbours who they can call if they are in distress, thus building stronger family ties and friendship."

Another source confirmed that the Premier initially considered setting up community drop-off sites, where patients with health needs could travel to and receive a free warm beverage and snack before being transferred to hospital by ambulance. However, this was also seen as too costly.

The millions of dollars that the Ontario government will save is expected to be spent in other highly-needed areas. "Some of the saved money will be going to new bureaucrats like our party's new executive director (and former chief of staff to former Toronto mayor Rob Ford), while a portion of it will go to current and anticipated lawsuits."

The controversial move comes only months after Canada Post revealed that it would begin phasing out door-to-door mail delivery.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau

NHL Trade Deadline: Phaneuf "Excited" To Join New-Look Blue Jays

Dion Phaneuf tallied 42 goals and 166 points in 353 games with the Maple Leafs.

Toronto - A rather quiet NHL trade deadline day for the Toronto Maple Leafs ended with a somewhat surprising move on Monday afternoon as the storied Canadian franchise said goodbye to team captain Dion Phaneuf.

Phaneuf, acquired in January of 2010 from the Calgary Flames, had long been rumoured to be on the trading block, that is if another team was willing to take on a substantial portion of his well-earned seven-year, $49 million (U.S.) extension which he signed in 2013. As Monday approached, several teams had expressed interest - Colorado, Dallas, and Anaheim among them. The Detroit Red Wings, however, seemed to be the team with the most bargaining chips; they instead acquired defenceman Marek Zidlicky from the New Jersey Devils, leaving many to wonder if Phaneuf would remain a fixture at the Air Canada Centre.

However, at 3:30pm, half an hour after the trade deadline passed, word came from the league office that the Edmonton native would indeed be packing his bags. However, the 29-year-old won't be looking for a real estate agent anytime soon. In a rare move between leagues, one which hasn't occurred in decades, Phaneuf has been acquired by the Toronto Blue Jays, who play their home games at Rogers Centre, a mere fifteen minute walk from the ACC.

"We are thrilled to add a player of Dion's caliber to our clubhouse," said Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos. "He's been on our radar for a few months now, and when (left fielder Michael) Saunders went down with his unfortunate injury (the newly acquired outfielder stepped awkwardly on a sprinkler-head during training), we decided to step up and began serious negotiations with the Leafs."

While hockey is Phaneuf's premiere sport, he does have an impressive baseball résumé. He grew up playing baseball in climate-friendly Edmonton until the age of 8. While primarily used as his little-league team's fourth outfielder, Phaneuf also tried his hand on the mound, another quality which impressed Anthopoulos. Toronto, while projected to vastly improve on their 83-79 record from last year, has yet to add some much-needed depth in their bullpen. "Dion has a huge upside in that area, and we'll give him every chance to be a valuable arm down in the pen if we need him. He threw out the first pitch in a game in 2012 and had more than a few scouts talking."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday evening, Phaneuf said he was "surprised, but excited to be joining a team with a loyal fan base that is used to a winning product on the field. I'll do what I can in whatever capacity I'm needed."

In exchange for Phaneuf, the Maple Leafs will receive Ace, the long-time mascot for Canada's only MLB team, plus 25 Rawlings baseballs.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Lost Oscar-Worn Dress Found Under Actress's Apostrophe

Los Angeles - The mystery of the other dressgate has at last been solved.

Shortly after last week's 87th Academy Awards show at the Dolby Theatre, the elaborate 6,000-pearled dress worn by Oscar-winner Lupita Nyong’o mysteriously went missing.

The Calvin Klein dress, initially thought to be valued at $150,000, was hailed by many fashionistas as one of the highlights of the red carpet.

Nyong'o, who won the 2014 Supporting Actress Oscar for her role as Patsey in 12 Years A Slave, presented J.K. Simmons with his Oscar for his role in Whiplash. 

The elegant dress was initially thought to have been stolen. However, on Friday, after a lengthy search, the dress worn by the 32-year-old was found in an unexpected place - underneath the actress's unique apostrophe.

"We had officers and security guards searching meticulously for the dress," said Los Angeles Police chief Charlie Beck. "There was a thorough search of the hotel, obviously, but we also interviewed each and every stylist and handler that was present at the Academy Awards. It wasn't until we combed the list of nominees as well as presenters that we discovered the dress; it shocked us to discover it was underneath Ms. Nyong'o's unique apostrophe the entire time."

When reached for comment, the actress refuted rumours that she would be removing the sometimes-confusing punctuation mark from her surname, although she has admittedly also lost jewelry, her iPhone, and "various snack foods" in the same fashion. "Agents have asked me to change it, some fans have requested it, I even received a phone call from John Travolta. I'm proud of my Kenyan heritage; I'm not changing anything."

From Our Los Angeles Bureau