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| Warwick resident Tom Whilton turned 40 today. |
As it is with many people approaching the big 4-0, Warwick resident Tom Whilton was dreading March 20th. "I've become used to spending most of my birthdays alone, but it's somehow been more painful this year with my thirties coming to an end." Whilton, a construction worker, decided that he would try to make the best of his milestone and invite several of his co-workers and neighbors to the local pub for drinks and a few rounds of pool. The only problem is that not one person replied affirmatively. "It says a lot when not one of the people that you interact with on a regular basis wants to be around you on such a special occasion," said the Atari enthusiast in an interview via Skype from his parent's basement.
Whilton says that he was hurt most by the fact that he put in special effort to invite female friends to his party in an effort to finally solve a life-long problem. "I really didn't want to hit 40 and still be a virgin at the end of the night. So what happened next was incredible."
On Friday evening after her son returned home half drunk and alone from the bar, having lost 50 dollars at the pool table, Mindy Whilton posted to her Facebook page as well as to her knitting group page that her son was in a bad state:
"My son Thomas turned 40 today, and despite making an effort to invite his friends, especially women, to his party, not one person showed up - not one effing person! Those of you who know Tommy know that he's a good guy. He's conscientious, prompt, his personal hygiene is on the up-swing. It would really make him, as well as his father and I, happy, if Thomas could actually lose his virginity before midnight hits. HELP!!! Plz LIKE and SHARE, and if you're a young-ish, polite woman reading this, here's his number. Just text him! 387-350-****."Tom was mildly annoyed when his early-model Blackberry started to send him non-stop text notifications, as he had found an unfinished six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his beer fridge and had passed out, hoping to numb himself until the dreadful day had passed. It all changed when he picked up his phone. "Out of the blue I was getting what was at first 50, then 100, then several hundred texts, all wishing me a happy birthday," said Whilton. "I finally felt some self-esteem and pride, that, although I had no real friends, so many people I couldn't give a flying f*** about were sending me greetings!" Several friends of Mindy Whilton, 67, showed up with baked goods, casseroles, and knitted slippers to mark the occasion.
When asked if he expected that his illustrious and seemingly unattainable goal would be attained by midnight, Whilton confided that out of the thousands of texts, tweets, and Facebook messages he had received as of press time, only two women had offered to help him with his problem. "Unfortunately, one of the ladies was still recovering from her second hip replacement, and the other lived in Poland and her husband strongly objects."
From Our Providence Bureau