Albertans To Begin Massive Dump Of Nickelback Albums Into Rivers

Since Nickelback released its first album Curb in 1996, until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm.

Calgary, AB

Only one day after Montreal Mayor Denis Coderre was given the green light by Ottawa to implement a controversial plan that would release eight billion litres of raw sewage into the St. Lawrence River, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi is following suit with a similar plan of his own.

Just after midnight on Thursday, the sewage began pouring into the St. Lawrence after receiving approval from new federal Environment Minister Catherine McKenna. Mayor Coderre and city works officials have promised Quebecers that there will be scant signs of water discolouration and unpleasant odours.

The events in Montreal prompted a massive grassroots campaign by Albertans to allow them to gather at the convergence of the Elbow and Bow rivers and ceremoniously throw their entire Nickelback collections - in all their various forms - into the water. Popular Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi very soon came onboard and quickly gained the approval from Ms. McKenna and Prime Minister Trudeau.

The "Nickelback problem" has been one that city, provincial, and federal officials have been trying to solve since the Hanna, Alberta band released its first album Curb in 1996. From that time until 2014, when the band released its most recent album No Fixed Address, the provincial health ministry has seen a 78% spike in hospital admissions related to depression and self-harm. "It's reached epidemic proportions," said Alberta Health Minister Sarah Hoffman. "For years, myself and my predecessors have tried to introduce Albertans to marginally better bands such as Hedley, or even The Rankin Family, but they just can't seem to get (lead singer) Chad Kroeger's voice out of their consciousness. This was our last resort."

Beginning on Friday night, just after midnight, Albertans firstly, and then Canadians from throughout the country, will be given the opportunity to travel to the Elbow and Bow rivers and take some time to pause and reflect before tossing their CD's and vinyl records into the water. "People are welcome to bring anything from their collection, from Curb to Silver Side Up to No Fixed Address," said the Minister of Canadian Heritage, Mélanie Joly.

Realizing that this will most likely be a very emotional time of release for sufferers of the band, Ms. Joly said that "qualified therapists will be on hand to help Nickelback fans transition out of a life of auditory torture and into the life they deserve."

"Nickelback-Free Alberta" events are already popping up on the social media site Facebook.

From Our Calgary Bureau