Postal Strikes Affecting Conservative MP’s Ability to Send Dick Pics

Conservative MP John Miller has represented Niagara West since 2011.

Niagara Falls, Ontario

As the Canadian Union of Postal Workers continues its rotating strikes throughout Canada, word has it that there has been an unsuspected disruption in the political world.

The union and Canada Post have failed to reach a new agreement despite months of negotiations, leading to postal workers walking out in strategic cities beginning last week.

According to Conservative MP John Miller, who has represented the riding of Niagara West since 2011, the disruption has personally affected him in that he has been unable to send dick pics to his mistress for several days. “I know that I could send them digitally,” said Miller, “but the woman I’m having an illicit affair with prefers hard copies.” Continuing, Miller insisted that "there is nothing embarrassing about sending such pictures," and that he has signed a release form regarding the photos.

Miller’s comments to The Sentinel Dispatch come just one day before news erupted that fellow Conservative MP Tony Clement had sent penis pictures and a video to a suspected woman who turned out to be an extortionist.

When reached on Wednesday afternoon, Conservative Caucus Whip Mark Strahl said that the delay is unfortunate. “Andrew (Scheer) and I realize that our hard-working parliamentarians need certain outlets, and if they don’t have them, we could see a rise in cases of electile dysfunction.”

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Beloved Buddhist Author To Spend Final Days In Hedonist Compound

Thich Nhat Hanh, surrounded by his followers, prepares to leave his village
 in Southern France on Tuesday.

Palos Verdes, California

Buddhists worldwide are expressing shock after beloved spiritual leader, monk, and author Thich Nhat Hanh announced Wednesday that he would spend his final days at a hedonist compound on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

According to a representative, Nhat Hanh, affectionately known to his followers as Thay, expressed his desire to immerse himself in the "bon vivant" lifestyle after a lifetime of restraint and meditation.

Thich Nhat Hanh, aged 92, is the author of such books as Being Peace, Living Buddha Living Christ, and Peace Is Every Step, and has spent several decades living in southern France in a community called Plum Village. However, according to fellow Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, the proponent of mindfulness has already relocated to Palos Verdes Pleasure Seekers Camp (PVPSC), which was founded in 1966.

According to its website, the camp, which boasts 2,500 residents, is clothing optional and holds regular activities such as Swingers Sunday, Naked Twister Tuesdays, and Anything Goes Thursdays. The compound features a "mini Las Vegas-type showroom" where local singers and Elvis impersonators perform on the weekends.

Thich Nhat Hanh is also said to be working on a new book, The Importance of Attachment.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Premier-elect Ford Announces Resignation Six Months From Now

Premier-elect of Ontario, Doug Ford

Etobicoke, ON

In his victory speech on Thursday night, Premier-elect Doug Ford reveled in his party's majority victory in the Ontario election, but he also shocked supporters and Ontarians in general when he announced that he will be resigning within six months time as a result of a growing amount of scandals.

"Tonight the people of Ontario have spoken. People from every corner of this province have sent a clear message, a message of hope and prosperity. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for placing your trust in me," said Ford.

"We will work every single day for the economic prosperity for every single resident in this province...until November 1st when I will be forced to resign from this illustrious position due to multiple scandals in our party and lawsuits involving myself. I promise to work hard for Ontarians until that time."

Approximately 25% of PC Party candidates are involved in scandals or are under investigation for fraud, etc. Ford himself was slapped with a $16.5 million lawsuit by his sister-in-law in the days leading up to the election for withholding money from his late brother Rob's estate, and for running the family business, Deco Labels, into the ground.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Pledges To Keep Family’s Safe Injection Site Open

Toronto, ON

During the first televised Ontario leaders debate which aired on CityTV Toronto on Monday evening, PC Leader Doug Ford was adamant about his objection to safe-injection sites in the province, instead favouring investing money into “rehabilitation.”

However, when pressed by the media afterward, the divisive leader confirmed that he would make an exception when it came to his own family. “We’ve had a safe-injection site in my mother’s basement since the 80’s, and I can’t foresee that changing under a PC government.”

Ford, a former drug dealer and enabler of his brother Rob’s crack cocaine habit, said that “family is of utmost important to me, and there are some traditions that I am unwilling to relinquish.”

According to a close family friend, the Ford’s gather on Sunday afternoons for barbecues while gently consoling one another by watching old video tapes of the former mayor of Toronto in incoherent states of reality. “I can not support the drug habits of addicted Ontarians,” said Ford. "However, I can make sure that my family traditions continue. We'll need a place where we can hash things out together in a sterile, clean environment, especially during the next month of campaigning."

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Kathleen Wynne Sought Lifetime Premier Role

Toronto, ON

According to a leaked Liberal party memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne sought to retain her position for life as recently as six weeks ago.

In the memo to party officials, Wynne suggests that "this province simply can't afford an election at this point; moreover, it would be in Ontarians best interests if they had stability in this position long-term."

The 2011 Ontario Election cost taxpayers $79.2 million dollars.

According to a Liberal party official who spoke with The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, Wynne went as far as consulting with the Lieutenant-General of Ontario as to the legality of such a proposition.

"I'm not surprised that Kathleen would want to hold onto power indefinitely," said the source who has worked at Queens Park for the past two years. "She feels that she was part of getting this province in the mess that it is currently in, and thus she feels obligated to be around for the long haul in order to fix things."

Under the Dalton McGuinty/Kathleen Wynne Liberals, Ontario has seen a disastrous fire sale of Hydro One, a doubling of the provincial debt, a billion dollar eHealth boondoggle, and a gas plant scandal that has cost Ontarians over $1 billion dollars to date.

Reaction to the news has been swift and stinging. Lloyd McClintock, 64, of Tavistock called the report "more than troubling. If this were ever to come to pass, people of all political stripes would be marching on Queens Park, mad as hell." Wendy Lampson, 56, of Ajax said "this isn't China. Our leaders can't simply decide that they will hold power forever."

Last week, Chinese President Xi Jingpin was reappointed with no limit on the number of terms he can serve.

Premier Wynne's office refused to comment on the story prior to publication.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Andrea Horwath Promises Free Kitten To Every Ontarian If Elected

Toronto, ON

The 2018 Ontario election is fast approaching, and with it, the political promises are ramping up.

At an event in Toronto on Saturday, New Democrats from across Ontario gave leader Andrea Horwath a heroes welcome.

She promised to give them plenty in return.

Horwath, 55, and leader of the party since 2009, told a roaring crowd that if elected, an NDP government would offer pharmacare and dental care for all, as well as converting student loans into grants.

Her next announcement raised some eyebrows.

"When a New Democratic government is elected this spring, as Premier I will make sure that every Ontarian is provided with their own kitten," said Horwath.

"We have far too many strays and unwanted cats that are wasting away in our shelters and homes; as Ontarians we can do better."

Horwath also stated that the kitten initiative was part of her party's plan to improve the mental health system in the province.

"We have a mental health crisis in Ontario, with thousands of people suffering and too few doctors and resources to help them. Studies have repeatedly shown that cat-owners are at least 42% less depressed, and that simply petting a cat regularly can reduce anxiety by as much as 83%."

Reactions to Horwath's announcement were mixed.

"This is fantastic news both for our cat population as well as for Ontarians," said Martha Tomlinson, executive director at Bloor Street Animal Aid in Toronto. "Currently we are overrun with kitties just looking for a decent home."

Nicholas Stanson, a party member for 25 years, confessed that he was underwhelmed by the announcement. "I'm more of a dog person. If Andrea had said everyone was getting a Jack Russell, that would have been different."

Ontarians are expected to head to the polls in early June.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Promises Wall Between Etobicoke, Rest Of Toronto

Toronto, ON

Merely hours after taking the reins of Ontario's Progressive Conservative Party, newly minted leader Doug Ford made a major policy announcement at a hastily arranged news conference on Sunday evening.

Ford, 53, was victorious over main rival Christine Elliott on the final ballot of contention. After initially contesting the results, Ms. Elliott earlier on Sunday pledged her support of Ford.

However, the divisive new leader raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he announced that part of his plan for Ontario, should he be elected Premier, is to build a wall between his home base of Etobicoke and the rest of the city of Toronto.

"I am proud to be the one taking this party into the upcoming election to defeat Kathleen Wynne, but we have to be careful not to become too progressive." Erecting a wall along the border of Etobicoke and the rest of Toronto will make sure that all these Toronto liberals will be kept out of our staunchly conservative area."

Estimates on the cost of such a wall range from $5 billion to $10 billion dollars. Asked how Ontario could afford such an undertaking, the leader said, "We will build the wall and the elites and the rest of Toronto will pay for it. This will also keep drugs from entering my beloved home of Etobicoke."

From Our Toronto Bureau