NEW: Ottawa Police Deploy Celine Dion To Clear Protest

 Ottawa, Ontario

It is Day 22 of the Freedom Convoy occupation of downtown Ottawa, and The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that police are set to use drastic measures to end the standoff.

As of Friday evening, police forces, which have included Ottawa Police, Ontario Provincial Police, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, as well as officers from jurisdictions across Canada, have arrested over 100 people and towed 21 trucks.

As of press time, police have utilized horses in their efforts to push back the protesters, but measures such as tear gas have not been needed.

However, according to Wendy Bronson, spokeswoman for Ottawa Police, the situation is not resolving "nearly quickly enough, and so we've decided to proceed with more forceful measures."

According to an internal memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, police have contacted Quebec singer Celine Dion, and she has agreed to travel from her American home to the capital city in order to clear the protesters.

"In preparation of Ms. Dion's arrival, integrated police forces are setting up loudspeakers along the protest route, including Wellington street and on Parliament Hill." Upon arrival, Ms. Dion has agreed to, from a secure location in Ottawa, sing a number of her hits, including The Power of Love, My Heart Will Go On, and It's All Coming Back To Me Now," writes Bronson. "Her music was used to clear out the protest near Emerson, Manitoba earlier in the week, and we're confident that it will work here also on a much larger scale."

As of press time, at least a dozen more protesters and 7 trucks have vacated the downtown, not wanting to be subjected to Ms. Dion's performance. "I'll do a lot to fight for my freedoms, but there is a line that I will not cross," said protester Bill Mansion.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Nickelback Used To Clear Border Crossing

Coutts, Alberta

After two weeks of blocking a border crossing near the town of Coutts, protesters with the Freedom Convoy have finally vacated the premises.

According to Coutts Mayor Jim Willett, all efforts to clear the blockade had been unsuccessful up until Tuesday afternoon. "Regional police and the RCMP were unable to make the convoy budge since they arrived. Negotiations were largely fruitless," said Willett. 

It wasn't until town councilor Sheila Timison made an ingenious suggestion that the impasse was solved.

"We needed to find some common ground between police and the protesters," said Timison. "Sometimes a common adversary can bring people together in a united cause. That's where Canadian rock band Nickelback came in to play. "

The band, formed in Hanna, Alberta in 1995, has been known to cause negative, even excruciating responses from its reluctant listeners. "Nickelback has aggravated Canadians for over two decades," said Timison. "Once I had the idea and council approved the plan, it was relatively easy to clear the blockade."

On Tuesday afternoon, volunteers from the community set up 26 large speakers around the trucks and other vehicles, and proceeded to play songs like How You Remind Me, Someday, and Burn It To The Ground at high decibels. Protesters and police alike could be seen visibly shaken at the ordeal, with both sides clearing out in a matter of an hour and a half.

From Our Lethbridge Bureau

BREAKING: Polkaroo To Be Named New Ottawa Mayor

 

BREAKING NEWS

Ottawa, Ontario

In a surprise move, The Sentinel Dispatch has learned Tuesday evening from multiple sources that Jim Watson will resign the Ottawa mayoralty at a press conference Wednesday morning.

This will mark the end of Watson's second tenure at the helm of Ottawa city council. He previously served as mayor from 1997 to 2000, and after serving in the cabinet of then Ontario premier Dalton McGuinty, he once again was elected Ottawa mayor in 2010.

According to an Ottawa city councilor, who spoke to The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, a surprise replacement has already been named. Beloved children's entertainer Gerald Polkaroo, a resident of the Centretown district of Ottawa, will take over the role until the next municipal election.

Polkaroo, 57, is best known for his time on the Canadian children's program Polka Dot Door from 1971 to 1993. He takes over at a particularly challenging time for the city, as Freedom Convoy protesters settle in for their third week as occupiers of the downtown area.

"Polkaroo is the perfect person for this job," said protester Tom Roloson, speaking from his rig parked on Wellington Street. "He'll continue to represent the city of Ottawa with his quiet demeanor and his uncanny ability to disappear for long periods of time."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Police Request Help In Finding Pain In The Ass Teen

Kitchener, ON

Waterloo Regional Police have requested the public's assistance in finding a 15 year old who is "generally a real pain in the ass," according to Constable Rachel Nillson.

Timothy Janssen of Kitchener left his home at approximately 9:00pm Tuesday night and his parents haven't seen him since. Greg, his father, asserts that "plenty of his friends know where he is, but they are also delinquents who are generally of no use to society, so we can't count on them to let us know where he is."

Timothy Janssen is described as 5'6", 170lbs, and short unkempt dirty blonde hair. He was last seen wearing his odorous Drake t-shirt and frumpy, tattered blue jeans.

"We thought Tim was in his room not doing anything of benefit and trolling liberals on social media like he always does," said his mother Sheila. "We love him, but he really can be a jerk most of the time and we'd appreciate it if he would come home so that we can continue parenting ineffectively."

This is the 7th time police have been called with concern to Janssen.

From Our Waterloo Region Bureau

Local Man Wins 2019 Best Worshiper Award At Festival

Worshipers raise their hand in praise at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

Chattanooga, TN

Sam Brinson has been waiting his whole life for this. On Wednesday afternoon, the 27 year old Nashville resident was informed that he had won this year's prestigious Best Worshiper Award for his performance at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

"I would say that I was overcome by the news, but that would be slightly blasphemous," chuckled the software engineer, husband and father of two. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wanting this award, though."

In an interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, festival organizer Cindy Hallman said that her team has had its eye on Brinson since he was in his teens and attending festivals such as Creation Fest and Kingdom Bound. "It's not just one thing that stands out, it's a whole conglomeration of things," said Hallman. "To be considered for the Best Worshiper Award, a person must fulfill several requirements, including Best Pose including the raising of both hands as well as the closing of both eyes. Also, he or she must be in possession of all 14 of Michael W. Smith's worship albums, as well as those of Third Day and Chris Tomlin. Sam met all these criteria. He even has a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillsongs leader Darlene Zschech in his bedroom."

Brinson, a member of Crux, a modern, rocking "church but not church" on the edge of Nashville, says that his next goal is for the Dove Awards to add a Best Worshiper category in the near future. If and when that happens, "I'll be there."

From Our Nashville Bureau

BREAKING: Sarah Sanders Accepts "Less Racist" Job With KKK

Washington, D.C.

Merely one day after announcing her forthcoming departure as White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders informed news outlets on Friday that she will not be unemployed for long.

Sanders, a polarizing figure in Washington as a chief supporter of President Donald Trump, had not held a White House press briefing in a record 95 days.

On Thursday, Mr. Trump hailed Sanders as  a "warrior" and overtly stated that he hoped she would follower in her father Mike's footsteps and run for Arkansas governor.

However, it seems as if the 36 year old has another job in mind. In a media release obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch on Friday afternoon, Sanders announced that, beginning in August, she will take the helm as the official spokeswoman of the resurgent Ku Klux Klan.

"I was approached by (Grand Wizard) Joseph Hannison back in March of this year, and his offer was one that I couldn't refuse," said Sanders, who eventually succeeded Sean Spicer at the White House. "While I will forever be indebted to President Trump, I felt that at this point in my life I needed to step away and instead become part of a slightly less racist organization. The Klan has a proud history which has been distorted by the fake news media throughout history, and I look forward to rectifying that situation."

While the Ku Klux Klan once boasted a membership of 6,000,000 people in 1924-25 during its second iteration, it is estimated that current membership is now between 5 and 8 thousand people, mostly Caucasian. Sanders said she hopes to buoy its image after "the unfortunate misinterpretation of the events in Charlottesville" in 2017. "These are decent, hardworking men and women who only want to make America great again. The reporting of their anti-Jew and anti-black meetings is largely misconstrued. I'll pull back the veil, or sheet if you will, on the true meaning of the Klan, and show it in its true light, while not white-washing it at the same time."

Sanders will make her exit from the White House by the end of June.

From Our Washington Bureau

BREAKING: Premier Ford Named Grand Marshal Of Raptors Parade

Toronto, ON

Still basking in Thursday night's Game 6 victory and first NBA championship in Toronto history, Raptors fans are receiving puzzling news coming out of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, the conglomerate that owns the team.

Late Friday morning, MLSE chairman Larry Tanenbaum announced via Twitter that he had personally invited Premier Doug Ford to be the Grand Marshal of Monday's Raptors victory parade, which will surely be attended by tens of thousands of fans.

The news comes at a strange time, to be sure. According to a survey released yesterday to CityNews, Ford's approval rating is sitting at a meager 29% after a year of slashing funding to social services, health care, and education.

None of which seems to matter to the elated Progressive Conservative Premier. Ford released a statement Friday morning:

"I am elated to have been invited by my good friends at MLSE to serve as Grand Marshal for the Raptors victory parade. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a deep love for this city and its citizens. See you all on Monday morning!"

In a phone interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, the premier further elaborated on the honour, saying, "I have always dreamed of marching in a parade and handing out candy to onlookers. Folks know that I have always been a giving person. In that light, I will be returning to my Etobicoke roots and will be indiscriminately handing out hashish and other mind-altering drugs to the young and old alike. Crack cocaine will also be available to 'special' guests."

Monday's parade will begin at 10:00 a.m., beginning at Exhibition Place and ending at Nathan Phillips Square in front of Toronto City Hall.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Scheer's Conservatives To Ban Single-Use Condoms If Elected

Ottawa, ON

Mere days before Canadian Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is expected to announce his party's 2019 environmental election platform, details are slowly leaking out.

According to former member of parliament Stephen Woodworth (Kitchener Centre), who is once again seeking election this fall, Scheer will announce that, if elected in October, a Conservative government would ban single-use condoms by 2021.

"Not only will this benefit the environment," said Woodworth, "it also caters to the social conservatives like myself within our party."

Andrew Scheer, a social conservative and practicing Catholic, reportedly sent a memo to MP's on Wednesday stating that "banning single-use condoms will indeed emphasize the beliefs held by myself and many within our party - that birth control is unethical and goes against the truth that sexual activity is solely meant for the purposes of pro-creation."

In a rather surprising counter-move, Scheer promised to cancel Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's plan to ban single-use plastics by 2021, saying in the internal memo that "Saran Wrap can help out a lot of Canadian couples if for some reason they need to prevent pregnancy."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Amber Alert Phone Notifications To Include Missing Pets

Toronto, ON

Ontarians should brace themselves for a significant increase in Amber Alert phone notifications.

Sylvia Jones, Minister of Community Safety & Correctional Services in the current PC government, confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday afternoon that Premier Doug Ford had signed off on the idea.

"As Ontarians know, Mr. Ford and our government are for the people," said Jones. "But we also want to be known as being for the pets of this province."

Beginning in May of this year, every citizen with a smartphone can expect to hear an Amber Alert alarm whenever an animal within a 50 kilometer radius goes missing.

Not everyone will be happy with the significant increase in loud notifications on their phones.

"I've been annoyed when a meal or a TV program has been interrupted on two different occasions recently due to a child missing," said John Tenneson of Markham, Ontario. "I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but this is ridiculous. Anytime Buddy goes missing, what are we supposed to do...file a police report and then annoy millions of Ontarians?"

Ontario Provincial Police constable Devon Ronson predicts that the majority of Ontarians could receive a dozen or more alerts on their phone per day.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau

Postal Strikes Affecting Conservative MP’s Ability to Send Dick Pics

Conservative MP John Miller has represented Niagara West since 2011.

Niagara Falls, Ontario

As the Canadian Union of Postal Workers continues its rotating strikes throughout Canada, word has it that there has been an unsuspected disruption in the political world.

The union and Canada Post have failed to reach a new agreement despite months of negotiations, leading to postal workers walking out in strategic cities beginning last week.

According to Conservative MP John Miller, who has represented the riding of Niagara West since 2011, the disruption has personally affected him in that he has been unable to send dick pics to his mistress for several days. “I know that I could send them digitally,” said Miller, “but the woman I’m having an illicit affair with prefers hard copies.” Continuing, Miller insisted that "there is nothing embarrassing about sending such pictures," and that he has signed a release form regarding the photos.

Miller’s comments to The Sentinel Dispatch come just one day before news erupted that fellow Conservative MP Tony Clement had sent penis pictures and a video to a suspected woman who turned out to be an extortionist.

When reached on Wednesday afternoon, Conservative Caucus Whip Mark Strahl said that the delay is unfortunate. “Andrew (Scheer) and I realize that our hard-working parliamentarians need certain outlets, and if they don’t have them, we could see a rise in cases of electile dysfunction.”

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Beloved Buddhist Author To Spend Final Days In Hedonist Compound

Thich Nhat Hanh, surrounded by his followers, prepares to leave his village
 in Southern France on Tuesday.

Palos Verdes, California

Buddhists worldwide are expressing shock after beloved spiritual leader, monk, and author Thich Nhat Hanh announced Wednesday that he would spend his final days at a hedonist compound on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

According to a representative, Nhat Hanh, affectionately known to his followers as Thay, expressed his desire to immerse himself in the "bon vivant" lifestyle after a lifetime of restraint and meditation.

Thich Nhat Hanh, aged 92, is the author of such books as Being Peace, Living Buddha Living Christ, and Peace Is Every Step, and has spent several decades living in southern France in a community called Plum Village. However, according to fellow Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, the proponent of mindfulness has already relocated to Palos Verdes Pleasure Seekers Camp (PVPSC), which was founded in 1966.

According to its website, the camp, which boasts 2,500 residents, is clothing optional and holds regular activities such as Swingers Sunday, Naked Twister Tuesdays, and Anything Goes Thursdays. The compound features a "mini Las Vegas-type showroom" where local singers and Elvis impersonators perform on the weekends.

Thich Nhat Hanh is also said to be working on a new book, The Importance of Attachment.

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Premier-elect Ford Announces Resignation Six Months From Now

Premier-elect of Ontario, Doug Ford

Etobicoke, ON

In his victory speech on Thursday night, Premier-elect Doug Ford reveled in his party's majority victory in the Ontario election, but he also shocked supporters and Ontarians in general when he announced that he will be resigning within six months time as a result of a growing amount of scandals.

"Tonight the people of Ontario have spoken. People from every corner of this province have sent a clear message, a message of hope and prosperity. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for placing your trust in me," said Ford.

"We will work every single day for the economic prosperity for every single resident in this province...until November 1st when I will be forced to resign from this illustrious position due to multiple scandals in our party and lawsuits involving myself. I promise to work hard for Ontarians until that time."

Approximately 25% of PC Party candidates are involved in scandals or are under investigation for fraud, etc. Ford himself was slapped with a $16.5 million lawsuit by his sister-in-law in the days leading up to the election for withholding money from his late brother Rob's estate, and for running the family business, Deco Labels, into the ground.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Pledges To Keep Family’s Safe Injection Site Open

Toronto, ON

During the first televised Ontario leaders debate which aired on CityTV Toronto on Monday evening, PC Leader Doug Ford was adamant about his objection to safe-injection sites in the province, instead favouring investing money into “rehabilitation.”

However, when pressed by the media afterward, the divisive leader confirmed that he would make an exception when it came to his own family. “We’ve had a safe-injection site in my mother’s basement since the 80’s, and I can’t foresee that changing under a PC government.”

Ford, a former drug dealer and enabler of his brother Rob’s crack cocaine habit, said that “family is of utmost important to me, and there are some traditions that I am unwilling to relinquish.”

According to a close family friend, the Ford’s gather on Sunday afternoons for barbecues while gently consoling one another by watching old video tapes of the former mayor of Toronto in incoherent states of reality. “I can not support the drug habits of addicted Ontarians,” said Ford. "However, I can make sure that my family traditions continue. We'll need a place where we can hash things out together in a sterile, clean environment, especially during the next month of campaigning."

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Kathleen Wynne Sought Lifetime Premier Role

Toronto, ON

According to a leaked Liberal party memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne sought to retain her position for life as recently as six weeks ago.

In the memo to party officials, Wynne suggests that "this province simply can't afford an election at this point; moreover, it would be in Ontarians best interests if they had stability in this position long-term."

The 2011 Ontario Election cost taxpayers $79.2 million dollars.

According to a Liberal party official who spoke with The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, Wynne went as far as consulting with the Lieutenant-General of Ontario as to the legality of such a proposition.

"I'm not surprised that Kathleen would want to hold onto power indefinitely," said the source who has worked at Queens Park for the past two years. "She feels that she was part of getting this province in the mess that it is currently in, and thus she feels obligated to be around for the long haul in order to fix things."

Under the Dalton McGuinty/Kathleen Wynne Liberals, Ontario has seen a disastrous fire sale of Hydro One, a doubling of the provincial debt, a billion dollar eHealth boondoggle, and a gas plant scandal that has cost Ontarians over $1 billion dollars to date.

Reaction to the news has been swift and stinging. Lloyd McClintock, 64, of Tavistock called the report "more than troubling. If this were ever to come to pass, people of all political stripes would be marching on Queens Park, mad as hell." Wendy Lampson, 56, of Ajax said "this isn't China. Our leaders can't simply decide that they will hold power forever."

Last week, Chinese President Xi Jingpin was reappointed with no limit on the number of terms he can serve.

Premier Wynne's office refused to comment on the story prior to publication.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Andrea Horwath Promises Free Kitten To Every Ontarian If Elected

Toronto, ON

The 2018 Ontario election is fast approaching, and with it, the political promises are ramping up.

At an event in Toronto on Saturday, New Democrats from across Ontario gave leader Andrea Horwath a heroes welcome.

She promised to give them plenty in return.

Horwath, 55, and leader of the party since 2009, told a roaring crowd that if elected, an NDP government would offer pharmacare and dental care for all, as well as converting student loans into grants.

Her next announcement raised some eyebrows.

"When a New Democratic government is elected this spring, as Premier I will make sure that every Ontarian is provided with their own kitten," said Horwath.

"We have far too many strays and unwanted cats that are wasting away in our shelters and homes; as Ontarians we can do better."

Horwath also stated that the kitten initiative was part of her party's plan to improve the mental health system in the province.

"We have a mental health crisis in Ontario, with thousands of people suffering and too few doctors and resources to help them. Studies have repeatedly shown that cat-owners are at least 42% less depressed, and that simply petting a cat regularly can reduce anxiety by as much as 83%."

Reactions to Horwath's announcement were mixed.

"This is fantastic news both for our cat population as well as for Ontarians," said Martha Tomlinson, executive director at Bloor Street Animal Aid in Toronto. "Currently we are overrun with kitties just looking for a decent home."

Nicholas Stanson, a party member for 25 years, confessed that he was underwhelmed by the announcement. "I'm more of a dog person. If Andrea had said everyone was getting a Jack Russell, that would have been different."

Ontarians are expected to head to the polls in early June.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Promises Wall Between Etobicoke, Rest Of Toronto

Toronto, ON

Merely hours after taking the reins of Ontario's Progressive Conservative Party, newly minted leader Doug Ford made a major policy announcement at a hastily arranged news conference on Sunday evening.

Ford, 53, was victorious over main rival Christine Elliott on the final ballot of contention. After initially contesting the results, Ms. Elliott earlier on Sunday pledged her support of Ford.

However, the divisive new leader raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he announced that part of his plan for Ontario, should he be elected Premier, is to build a wall between his home base of Etobicoke and the rest of the city of Toronto.

"I am proud to be the one taking this party into the upcoming election to defeat Kathleen Wynne, but we have to be careful not to become too progressive." Erecting a wall along the border of Etobicoke and the rest of Toronto will make sure that all these Toronto liberals will be kept out of our staunchly conservative area."

Estimates on the cost of such a wall range from $5 billion to $10 billion dollars. Asked how Ontario could afford such an undertaking, the leader said, "We will build the wall and the elites and the rest of Toronto will pay for it. This will also keep drugs from entering my beloved home of Etobicoke."

From Our Toronto Bureau

BREAKING: Polkaroo Named Leader Of Ontario PC Party

Markham, ON

In a stunning turn of events on Saturday evening, Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario officials named media personality Polkaroo as its next leader.

After leadership hopeful Christine Elliott refused to concede to apparent winner Doug Ford, Hartley Lefton, chair of the PC leadership election committee, told the packed convention centre in Markham, Ont. that the party could not afford to go without a leader any longer, and therefore was naming the star of TVO's Polka Dot Door to the position.

"We have been preparing for this scenario for some time now," said Lefton. "Ideally it would be left to party members to decide who the next leader would be, but unfortunately this dumpster fire of a party executive couldn't get the job done; therefore, we have taken this drastic action this evening."

Polkaroo, 47, made his debut on Canadian children's television in 1971.

"We needed someone that has high favourable numbers and can connect with Ontarians of all ages," said Shirley Johnson, a member of the election committee. Polkaroo is the strong, silent type who will get the job done and who will defeat Kathleen Wynne in the upcoming election."

As of press time, Polkaroo could not be reached for comment.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Green Party Leader Resigns After Family Fails To Recognize Him

File photo believed to be former Green Party of Ontario
Leader Mike Schreiner

Guelph, ON

The Green Party of Ontario is looking for a new leader after its former helmsman failed to gain traction even among his closest friends and family.

Mike Schreiner, leader of the environmentally-conscious party since 2009, announced his resignation on Tuesday at a press conference attended by a handful of high school students who gladly partook of the provided sandwiches and Coca-Cola.

Schreiner, 48, represented the Green Party in one by-election and two provincial general elections, losing all three times.

Holding back tears, Schreiner, a Kansas native, recalled the moment when he knew he had to make a change. "Over the last few years, fewer and fewer of my friends were calling me or even making eye contact on the street. It all came to a head, though, this past weekend when I walked into my house in Guelph, and my wife Sandy and my two daughters didn't even recognize me." Guelph Police confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that they received a 911 call on Sunday saying there was a "strange man wandering around (the homeowner's) kitchen, making himself at home."

Schreiner is temporarily living at the Days Inn in Guelph under the pseudonym Mike Schreiner, so as to not be bothered by the press.

From Our Guelph Bureau

Conservative MP Says Life Begins Before Conception

Ottawa, ON

Amidst a growing controversy surrounding the Liberal government’s decision to withhold funding for groups that hold to a pro-life stance, at least one Conservative MP is taking the issue to an unprecedented place.

Conservative MP Brad Trost (Saskatoon-University) held a news conference on Tuesday, where he told reporters that not only is the Liberals stance on funding against religious freedom, but that he will introduce a private members bill asserting that life begins before conception.

“Abortion is a terrible stain on Canadian society,” said Trost, who lost to Andrew Scheer in the recent Conservative leadership race. "Since 1988 the amount of babies murdered legally has been staggering. Not only should abortion be illegal, but thinking about abortion should be against the law as well. There has been debate for decades about when life truly begins. Some people say it is a few weeks into a pregnancy, others say it isn’t until the time of birth, but I and many of my colleagues say that life begins even before conception.”

“Our position is entirely biblical,” said Trost. “In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples that if a man even looks lustfully at a woman, it is as if he has committed adultery with her. It goes without saying then that if a couple even thinks about having a child, that baby is already being woven together in the mother’s womb, even if there’s no physical evidence. Therefore, any thoughts of aborting a baby, even before technical conception, should be a punishable offence.”

Representatives with the pro-life group National Right To Life Committee of Canada were ecstatic  when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch: “It is about time that our lawmakers stand up and defend the unborn and demand purity of thought in all forms,” said Christopher Wembley. “Abortion is never okay, not even as a concept.”


From Our Ottawa Bureau

Canadian Olympians To Compete Under Liberal Flag

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says the Canadian flag is too ambiguous.

Ottawa, ON

In a move destined to divide Canadians, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced during a town hall in Peterborough, Ontario today that the country's Olympians will compete under the Liberal flag.

"When the world sees Canadians in Pyeongchang, we want them to see that our country has an inclusive, diverse government," said Trudeau.

When asked by a local citizen about the necessity for the change, the prime minister said that the maple leaf is "too ambiguous" and doesn't overtly promote the government's agenda, such as accepting more refugees from hot spots around the world.

"When attendees, or even people watching on television or online see the letter L, they will know that it stands for Liberal, and to me, Liberal means that we welcome anyone into our country," said Trudeau.

Olympic flagbearers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir were divided when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Saturday afternoon. While Moir said that "this isn't what I signed up for," Virtue asserted that "the Liberal colours are the same as Canadian colours, and that's what really matters in the end."

From Our Ottawa Bureau