REPORT: Kathleen Wynne Sought Lifetime Premier Role

Toronto, ON

According to a leaked Liberal party memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne sought to retain her position for life as recently as six weeks ago.

In the memo to party officials, Wynne suggests that "this province simply can't afford an election at this point; moreover, it would be in Ontarians best interests if they had stability in this position long-term."

The 2011 Ontario Election cost taxpayers $79.2 million dollars.

According to a Liberal party official who spoke with The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, Wynne went as far as consulting with the Lieutenant-General of Ontario as to the legality of such a proposition.

"I'm not surprised that Kathleen would want to hold onto power indefinitely," said the source who has worked at Queens Park for the past two years. "She feels that she was part of getting this province in the mess that it is currently in, and thus she feels obligated to be around for the long haul in order to fix things."

Under the Dalton McGuinty/Kathleen Wynne Liberals, Ontario has seen a disastrous fire sale of Hydro One, a doubling of the provincial debt, a billion dollar eHealth boondoggle, and a gas plant scandal that has cost Ontarians over $1 billion dollars to date.

Reaction to the news has been swift and stinging. Lloyd McClintock, 64, of Tavistock called the report "more than troubling. If this were ever to come to pass, people of all political stripes would be marching on Queens Park, mad as hell." Wendy Lampson, 56, of Ajax said "this isn't China. Our leaders can't simply decide that they will hold power forever."

Last week, Chinese President Xi Jingpin was reappointed with no limit on the number of terms he can serve.

Premier Wynne's office refused to comment on the story prior to publication.

From Our Toronto Bureau

REPORT: Andrea Horwath Promises Free Kitten To Every Ontarian If Elected

Toronto, ON

The 2018 Ontario election is fast approaching, and with it, the political promises are ramping up.

At an event in Toronto on Saturday, New Democrats from across Ontario gave leader Andrea Horwath a heroes welcome.

She promised to give them plenty in return.

Horwath, 55, and leader of the party since 2009, told a roaring crowd that if elected, an NDP government would offer pharmacare and dental care for all, as well as converting student loans into grants.

Her next announcement raised some eyebrows.

"When a New Democratic government is elected this spring, as Premier I will make sure that every Ontarian is provided with their own kitten," said Horwath.

"We have far too many strays and unwanted cats that are wasting away in our shelters and homes; as Ontarians we can do better."

Horwath also stated that the kitten initiative was part of her party's plan to improve the mental health system in the province.

"We have a mental health crisis in Ontario, with thousands of people suffering and too few doctors and resources to help them. Studies have repeatedly shown that cat-owners are at least 42% less depressed, and that simply petting a cat regularly can reduce anxiety by as much as 83%."

Reactions to Horwath's announcement were mixed.

"This is fantastic news both for our cat population as well as for Ontarians," said Martha Tomlinson, executive director at Bloor Street Animal Aid in Toronto. "Currently we are overrun with kitties just looking for a decent home."

Nicholas Stanson, a party member for 25 years, confessed that he was underwhelmed by the announcement. "I'm more of a dog person. If Andrea had said everyone was getting a Jack Russell, that would have been different."

Ontarians are expected to head to the polls in early June.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Doug Ford Promises Wall Between Etobicoke, Rest Of Toronto

Toronto, ON

Merely hours after taking the reins of Ontario's Progressive Conservative Party, newly minted leader Doug Ford made a major policy announcement at a hastily arranged news conference on Sunday evening.

Ford, 53, was victorious over main rival Christine Elliott on the final ballot of contention. After initially contesting the results, Ms. Elliott earlier on Sunday pledged her support of Ford.

However, the divisive new leader raised eyebrows Sunday evening when he announced that part of his plan for Ontario, should he be elected Premier, is to build a wall between his home base of Etobicoke and the rest of the city of Toronto.

"I am proud to be the one taking this party into the upcoming election to defeat Kathleen Wynne, but we have to be careful not to become too progressive." Erecting a wall along the border of Etobicoke and the rest of Toronto will make sure that all these Toronto liberals will be kept out of our staunchly conservative area."

Estimates on the cost of such a wall range from $5 billion to $10 billion dollars. Asked how Ontario could afford such an undertaking, the leader said, "We will build the wall and the elites and the rest of Toronto will pay for it. This will also keep drugs from entering my beloved home of Etobicoke."

From Our Toronto Bureau

BREAKING: Polkaroo Named Leader Of Ontario PC Party

Markham, ON

In a stunning turn of events on Saturday evening, Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario officials named media personality Polkaroo as its next leader.

After leadership hopeful Christine Elliott refused to concede to apparent winner Doug Ford, Hartley Lefton, chair of the PC leadership election committee, told the packed convention centre in Markham, Ont. that the party could not afford to go without a leader any longer, and therefore was naming the star of TVO's Polka Dot Door to the position.

"We have been preparing for this scenario for some time now," said Lefton. "Ideally it would be left to party members to decide who the next leader would be, but unfortunately this dumpster fire of a party executive couldn't get the job done; therefore, we have taken this drastic action this evening."

Polkaroo, 47, made his debut on Canadian children's television in 1971.

"We needed someone that has high favourable numbers and can connect with Ontarians of all ages," said Shirley Johnson, a member of the election committee. Polkaroo is the strong, silent type who will get the job done and who will defeat Kathleen Wynne in the upcoming election."

As of press time, Polkaroo could not be reached for comment.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Green Party Leader Resigns After Family Fails To Recognize Him

File photo believed to be former Green Party of Ontario
Leader Mike Schreiner

Guelph, ON

The Green Party of Ontario is looking for a new leader after its former helmsman failed to gain traction even among his closest friends and family.

Mike Schreiner, leader of the environmentally-conscious party since 2009, announced his resignation on Tuesday at a press conference attended by a handful of high school students who gladly partook of the provided sandwiches and Coca-Cola.

Schreiner, 48, represented the Green Party in one by-election and two provincial general elections, losing all three times.

Holding back tears, Schreiner, a Kansas native, recalled the moment when he knew he had to make a change. "Over the last few years, fewer and fewer of my friends were calling me or even making eye contact on the street. It all came to a head, though, this past weekend when I walked into my house in Guelph, and my wife Sandy and my two daughters didn't even recognize me." Guelph Police confirmed to The Sentinel Dispatch that they received a 911 call on Sunday saying there was a "strange man wandering around (the homeowner's) kitchen, making himself at home."

Schreiner is temporarily living at the Days Inn in Guelph under the pseudonym Mike Schreiner, so as to not be bothered by the press.

From Our Guelph Bureau

Conservative MP Says Life Begins Before Conception

Ottawa, ON

Amidst a growing controversy surrounding the Liberal government’s decision to withhold funding for groups that hold to a pro-life stance, at least one Conservative MP is taking the issue to an unprecedented place.

Conservative MP Brad Trost (Saskatoon-University) held a news conference on Tuesday, where he told reporters that not only is the Liberals stance on funding against religious freedom, but that he will introduce a private members bill asserting that life begins before conception.

“Abortion is a terrible stain on Canadian society,” said Trost, who lost to Andrew Scheer in the recent Conservative leadership race. "Since 1988 the amount of babies murdered legally has been staggering. Not only should abortion be illegal, but thinking about abortion should be against the law as well. There has been debate for decades about when life truly begins. Some people say it is a few weeks into a pregnancy, others say it isn’t until the time of birth, but I and many of my colleagues say that life begins even before conception.”

“Our position is entirely biblical,” said Trost. “In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples that if a man even looks lustfully at a woman, it is as if he has committed adultery with her. It goes without saying then that if a couple even thinks about having a child, that baby is already being woven together in the mother’s womb, even if there’s no physical evidence. Therefore, any thoughts of aborting a baby, even before technical conception, should be a punishable offence.”

Representatives with the pro-life group National Right To Life Committee of Canada were ecstatic  when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch: “It is about time that our lawmakers stand up and defend the unborn and demand purity of thought in all forms,” said Christopher Wembley. “Abortion is never okay, not even as a concept.”


From Our Ottawa Bureau

Canadian Olympians To Compete Under Liberal Flag

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau says the Canadian flag is too ambiguous.

Ottawa, ON

In a move destined to divide Canadians, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced during a town hall in Peterborough, Ontario today that the country's Olympians will compete under the Liberal flag.

"When the world sees Canadians in Pyeongchang, we want them to see that our country has an inclusive, diverse government," said Trudeau.

When asked by a local citizen about the necessity for the change, the prime minister said that the maple leaf is "too ambiguous" and doesn't overtly promote the government's agenda, such as accepting more refugees from hot spots around the world.

"When attendees, or even people watching on television or online see the letter L, they will know that it stands for Liberal, and to me, Liberal means that we welcome anyone into our country," said Trudeau.

Olympic flagbearers Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir were divided when reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Saturday afternoon. While Moir said that "this isn't what I signed up for," Virtue asserted that "the Liberal colours are the same as Canadian colours, and that's what really matters in the end."

From Our Ottawa Bureau