REPORT: Ontario To Phase Out Home Ambulance Service In June

Toronto - According to senior officials inside Ontario's Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care, Premier Kathleen Wynne is set to remove a long-standing pillar of health services in Canada's most populous province.

On Saturday afternoon, three officials working under Dr. Eric Hoskins, Ontario's Minister of Health and Long-Term Care, confirmed in separate e-mails to The Sentinel Dispatch that beginning in June of this year, the province will be ending home ambulance service in order to contain costs.

Currently, a single, normal land ambulance service costs approximately $240.00. Until now, Ontario taxpayers have been billed $45.00, with the rest of the service being covered by the government.

However, according to the Health Ministry sources, the cost of maintaining ambulances, as well as paying thousands of paramedics has become unfeasible. "Premier Wynne has been in talks with Minister Hoskins about this even before she won the Liberal leadership," said one source. "Once she became premier, she rewarded him for his cooperation on this particular matter."

Another source revealed that in scrapping what many Ontarians see as an essential service, the Premier hopes to instill a spirit of community. "Everyone in our office believe in Kathleen and her extraordinary heart and vision. Aside from costs, the main reason for eliminating home ambulance service is to build teamwork and a sense of family among Ontarians." The unnamed worker, who has worked for the Health Ministry for 18 years, provided further details: "Beginning in mid-June, when Ontarians feel that they need medical assistance, they will have a couple of choices. The first choice is to push themselves to get out of the house, in doing so getting some much-needed exercise and curbing the alarming obesity rate. The second choice is for people to set up an emergency call list of family, friends, or neighbours who they can call if they are in distress, thus building stronger family ties and friendship."

Another source confirmed that the Premier initially considered setting up community drop-off sites, where patients with health needs could travel to and receive a free warm beverage and snack before being transferred to hospital by ambulance. However, this was also seen as too costly.

The millions of dollars that the Ontario government will save is expected to be spent in other highly-needed areas. "Some of the saved money will be going to new bureaucrats like our party's new executive director (and former chief of staff to former Toronto mayor Rob Ford), while a portion of it will go to current and anticipated lawsuits."

The controversial move comes only months after Canada Post revealed that it would begin phasing out door-to-door mail delivery.

From Our Queen's Park Bureau

NHL Trade Deadline: Phaneuf "Excited" To Join New-Look Blue Jays

Dion Phaneuf tallied 42 goals and 166 points in 353 games with the Maple Leafs.

Toronto - A rather quiet NHL trade deadline day for the Toronto Maple Leafs ended with a somewhat surprising move on Monday afternoon as the storied Canadian franchise said goodbye to team captain Dion Phaneuf.

Phaneuf, acquired in January of 2010 from the Calgary Flames, had long been rumoured to be on the trading block, that is if another team was willing to take on a substantial portion of his well-earned seven-year, $49 million (U.S.) extension which he signed in 2013. As Monday approached, several teams had expressed interest - Colorado, Dallas, and Anaheim among them. The Detroit Red Wings, however, seemed to be the team with the most bargaining chips; they instead acquired defenceman Marek Zidlicky from the New Jersey Devils, leaving many to wonder if Phaneuf would remain a fixture at the Air Canada Centre.

However, at 3:30pm, half an hour after the trade deadline passed, word came from the league office that the Edmonton native would indeed be packing his bags. However, the 29-year-old won't be looking for a real estate agent anytime soon. In a rare move between leagues, one which hasn't occurred in decades, Phaneuf has been acquired by the Toronto Blue Jays, who play their home games at Rogers Centre, a mere fifteen minute walk from the ACC.

"We are thrilled to add a player of Dion's caliber to our clubhouse," said Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos. "He's been on our radar for a few months now, and when (left fielder Michael) Saunders went down with his unfortunate injury (the newly acquired outfielder stepped awkwardly on a sprinkler-head during training), we decided to step up and began serious negotiations with the Leafs."

While hockey is Phaneuf's premiere sport, he does have an impressive baseball résumé. He grew up playing baseball in climate-friendly Edmonton until the age of 8. While primarily used as his little-league team's fourth outfielder, Phaneuf also tried his hand on the mound, another quality which impressed Anthopoulos. Toronto, while projected to vastly improve on their 83-79 record from last year, has yet to add some much-needed depth in their bullpen. "Dion has a huge upside in that area, and we'll give him every chance to be a valuable arm down in the pen if we need him. He threw out the first pitch in a game in 2012 and had more than a few scouts talking."

When reached by The Sentinel Dispatch on Monday evening, Phaneuf said he was "surprised, but excited to be joining a team with a loyal fan base that is used to a winning product on the field. I'll do what I can in whatever capacity I'm needed."

In exchange for Phaneuf, the Maple Leafs will receive Ace, the long-time mascot for Canada's only MLB team, plus 25 Rawlings baseballs.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Lost Oscar-Worn Dress Found Under Actress's Apostrophe

Los Angeles - The mystery of the other dressgate has at last been solved.

Shortly after last week's 87th Academy Awards show at the Dolby Theatre, the elaborate 6,000-pearled dress worn by Oscar-winner Lupita Nyong’o mysteriously went missing.

The Calvin Klein dress, initially thought to be valued at $150,000, was hailed by many fashionistas as one of the highlights of the red carpet.

Nyong'o, who won the 2014 Supporting Actress Oscar for her role as Patsey in 12 Years A Slave, presented J.K. Simmons with his Oscar for his role in Whiplash. 

The elegant dress was initially thought to have been stolen. However, on Friday, after a lengthy search, the dress worn by the 32-year-old was found in an unexpected place - underneath the actress's unique apostrophe.

"We had officers and security guards searching meticulously for the dress," said Los Angeles Police chief Charlie Beck. "There was a thorough search of the hotel, obviously, but we also interviewed each and every stylist and handler that was present at the Academy Awards. It wasn't until we combed the list of nominees as well as presenters that we discovered the dress; it shocked us to discover it was underneath Ms. Nyong'o's unique apostrophe the entire time."

When reached for comment, the actress refuted rumours that she would be removing the sometimes-confusing punctuation mark from her surname, although she has admittedly also lost jewelry, her iPhone, and "various snack foods" in the same fashion. "Agents have asked me to change it, some fans have requested it, I even received a phone call from John Travolta. I'm proud of my Kenyan heritage; I'm not changing anything."

From Our Los Angeles Bureau

Bachelor Finally Realizes Self-Worth Through Facebook Postings

Boston native Todd Beeman is experiencing
his best Valentine's Day in years.

Boston - For most of his adult life, 36 year old Todd Beeman has steered clear of his voice mail, inbox, and social media on February 14th. The life-long New Englander has held a variety of feelings about this day on the calendar, ranging from ambivalence to frigid bitterness.

Beeman, a fisheries worker and part-time snow-plow operator, told The Sentinel Dispatch via Skype that "only once in my life have I had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day." That was back in 1998 when he dated his high school sweetheart, a relationship that lasted five months - a record for Todd. "I can't really say that I have fond memories of that Valentine's Day either, because Lisa dumped me a week later after she found my signed 8x10 of Jeri Ryan from Star Trek: Voyager."

In the ensuing years, Beeman became accustomed to phone calls from his mother and sister on February 14th, wishing him a "Happy Valentine's Day," with veiled pity transmitting through his cell. "I know that they meant well, but I didn't really need a reminder each year that although I am a really nice guy, I can't seem to hold down a relationship," says the graduate of University of Massachusetts Boston.

However, as Beeman told Sentinel reporter Diane Lester on Saturday morning, "things are completely different this year." According to Beeman, a Red Sox season ticket holder, "For some reason I decided to log in to Facebook this morning, something that I always avoid doing on Valentine's Day. It was there, as I scrolled down my news feed, that I began to read soul-reaching messages from my friends who are either married or in long-term relationships, affirming that, although some of us are single, we are of no less value than them just because we have no one to curl up with. It was truly amazing, I had never quite thought of it that way before," says an obviously encouraged Beeman. "For years I have thought that I had no value because I am single, but these enriching messages and meme's have really touched my soul. I found that I was able to release emotions that I haven't felt for decades."

Beeman says he can't put into words what it has meant to be buoyed this year and thus be able to realize a self-worth that has been evasive for so many years. "This year, instead of staying inside with my curtains shut, clutching onto a can of Bud Light and watching Lord of the Rings until midnight strikes and February 14th is over with, I will do something different. This year, I will still stay inside with my curtains shut. I will still clutch onto a can of Bud Light and watch Lord of the Rings, but I will do so with a slight smile intermingling with the cascading tears."

From Our Boston Bureau

REPORT: Trudeau To Welcome Levant And Coren To Liberal Fold

Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau (R) welcomes former Conservative MP Eve Adams to his party on Monday.

The Sentinel Dispatch has confirmed late Thursday evening that two of Canada’s most respected and award-winning journalists are set to join The Liberal Party of Canada.

Rumours of the consociation began to abound on Twitter earlier in the evening after the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation broke the news that SUN News Network would be leaving the television media landscape as early as Friday morning.  The flatlining of the network comes after four years of mediocre ratings, and a decision by Canada’s media regulators that SUN did not warrant a guaranteed place on basic cable. SUN also failed to find a new owner.

According to several sources, Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau met with SUN hosts Ezra Levant and Michael Coren at the Royal York Hotel in downtown Toronto Thursday, enthusiastically welcoming them into the party during a hastily organized reception which included the newest Liberal Member of Parliament, Eve Adams, until recently a rising star within the Conservative Party.

Mr. Levant, widely regarded as “Canada’s Freedom Fighter” and an Officer of the Order of Canada, is expected to play a key role in Mr. Trudeau’s communications office, particularly due to his adept use of the words “jihadist” and “jidahist.”

Mr. Coren, a Canadian of British descent, and author of subtle and moderate books such as Why Catholics Are Right and Hatred: Islam’s War On Christianity is expected to eventually replace MP Jason Kenney as Minister for Multiculturalism.

A news conference is set for Friday morning in Ottawa.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Supreme Court of Canada Unanimously Allows Alleviation Of Nickelback Sufferers

Ottawa - Twenty years after narrowly denying Canadians the right to physician-assisted death, the Supreme Court of Canada on Friday dramatically changed course, unanimously striking down its previous ban.

The long-anticipated decision paves the way for Canada to join several Western nations and American states in making assisted suicide legal, though each jurisdiction is nuanced in its implementation.

The nine-person court ruled that "the prohibition on assisted dying is overboard...It imposes unnecessary suffering on affected individuals, deprives them of the ability to determine what to do with their bodies and how those bodies will be treated and may cause those affected to take their own lives sooner than they would were they able to obtain a physician's assistance in dying."According to the ruling, "the person must be an adult who is experiencing intolerable suffering that is either physical or psychological; they must clearly consent to the termination of his or her life; and the medical condition must be grievous, irremediable, and cause enduring suffering."

Michael Therrault, 41.

The case was brought forward by the family of Kay Carter, a woman with spinal stenosis who traveled to Switzerland in 2010 in order to die, and by Michael Therreault, a Calgary man in his early forties who has argued for years that his prolonged auditory exposure to Alberta-based band Nickelback has caused him "irreversible, intolerable suffering." Therrault, a worker in Alberta's oil industry, recounts the first time that he was exposed to the band's music: "I specifically remember that day. It was a normal day, I had kissed my wife and kids before heading off for work, and I turned on the radio in my truck." Therrault continues, "It was August of '01 and this song called How You Remind Me started playing. I could feel my heartrate increase, I started thumping my steering wheel to the beat. I began to sweat and had to roll down my window."

As the years went on, the Quebec native was both "attracted to, and strangely repelled by" the music of Nickelback. Songs such as Someday, If Anyone Cared, and This Afternoon consistently occupied his mind, and his incessant, off-key renditions of Nickelback songs led to the 2010 disillusion of his marriage. "I've lost everything - my wife, my kids, most of my friends, even my mother," says Therrault.

In recent years, several Canadian provinces have begun to keep track of Nickelback emergency-room related visits. The province of Ontario reported in 2012 that 11, 586 men and women visited hospitals after willingly listening to the band or being in a vehicle or shopping mall where their music had been playing.

In its unprecedented decision, the Supreme Court acknowledged Therreault and those like him who have been irrevocably damaged by "inexcusable music." "Canadians such as Mr. Therrault and those who will follow him are included in this decision. Rather than be forced to live with constant, wretched melodies and lyrics in their minds, they should have the choice to seek out permanent rest from a physician."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

McDonald's To Equip Restaurants With Defibrillators

Indianapolis - Each McDonald's restaurant in the United States and Canada is set to be equipped with a heart defibrillator in the coming weeks, according to a leaked memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch. CEO Steve Easterbrook has scheduled a teleconference with regional representatives slated for Monday morning, according to the acquired communication.

Although the timing is unexpected, the move is anything but surprising, said American Heart Association CEO Nancy Brown, when reached by Skype on Thursday morning. "Considering the amount of high-caloric items offered on McDonald's menus, we have been pushing the fast-food chain for two years now to install the devices in each of their restaurants."

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than one-third (34.9% or 78.6 million) of U.S. adults are obese. The Canadian rate is lower, but remains a growing threat. A study by Memorial University in St. John's found that Canadian obesity rates tripled between 1985 and 2011. Furthermore, current projections are that 21% of Canadians will be obese by the year 2019.

When reached for comment, the chair of the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation praised the behemoth fast-food company, while stating that more needs to be done: "For several years, McDonald's has been introducing 'healthier choices' such as salads," said Douglas Clement. "However, the question remains as to if McDonald's would be taking these actions if it wasn't receiving pressure from its financial department and a population that is increasingly becoming health-conscious."

The implementation of the approximately $1,500 devices comes at a convenient time, says consumer analyst Christine Baran: "I believe this is a case of McDonald's covering their own behinds, so to speak. Simply put, they're trying to avoid litigation."

Indeed, McDonald's is featuring a customer-friendly program until Valentine's Day where random guests are given the choice to pay for their meals in other ways rather than the greenback or the loonie. These choices include calling one's mother to tell her "I love you," telling one's child that they are proud of them, or dancing for one's meal. It is the the latter option that has doctor's across the continent worried. "Imagine a 350 pound man entering a McDonald's and ordering a Big Mac meal," said Dr. Blake Young. "A Big Mac meal contains roughly 1,130 calories with a Coca-Cola Classic and 920 calories with a Diet Coke. The meal, including fries, also includes 1,325 mg of sodium, which is almost a full day of the recommended sodium level for good health -- 1,500 mg to 2,300 mg. Now imagine the cashier asking this man to dance for his meal. The health consequences could be more than dire."

Customers in the United States and Canada should expect to see the defibrillators in McDonald's locations within two weeks, A leaflet containing information on the proper use of the device will be offered along with customer receipts.  The international roll-out will be complete within 3 months.

From Our Indianapolis Bureau