NEW: Ottawa Police Deploy Celine Dion To Clear Protest

 Ottawa, Ontario

It is Day 22 of the Freedom Convoy occupation of downtown Ottawa, and The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that police are set to use drastic measures to end the standoff.

As of Friday evening, police forces, which have included Ottawa Police, Ontario Provincial Police, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, as well as officers from jurisdictions across Canada, have arrested over 100 people and towed 21 trucks.

As of press time, police have utilized horses in their efforts to push back the protesters, but measures such as tear gas have not been needed.

However, according to Wendy Bronson, spokeswoman for Ottawa Police, the situation is not resolving "nearly quickly enough, and so we've decided to proceed with more forceful measures."

According to an internal memo obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch, police have contacted Quebec singer Celine Dion, and she has agreed to travel from her American home to the capital city in order to clear the protesters.

"In preparation of Ms. Dion's arrival, integrated police forces are setting up loudspeakers along the protest route, including Wellington street and on Parliament Hill." Upon arrival, Ms. Dion has agreed to, from a secure location in Ottawa, sing a number of her hits, including The Power of Love, My Heart Will Go On, and It's All Coming Back To Me Now," writes Bronson. "Her music was used to clear out the protest near Emerson, Manitoba earlier in the week, and we're confident that it will work here also on a much larger scale."

As of press time, at least a dozen more protesters and 7 trucks have vacated the downtown, not wanting to be subjected to Ms. Dion's performance. "I'll do a lot to fight for my freedoms, but there is a line that I will not cross," said protester Bill Mansion.

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Nickelback Used To Clear Border Crossing

Coutts, Alberta

After two weeks of blocking a border crossing near the town of Coutts, protesters with the Freedom Convoy have finally vacated the premises.

According to Coutts Mayor Jim Willett, all efforts to clear the blockade had been unsuccessful up until Tuesday afternoon. "Regional police and the RCMP were unable to make the convoy budge since they arrived. Negotiations were largely fruitless," said Willett. 

It wasn't until town councilor Sheila Timison made an ingenious suggestion that the impasse was solved.

"We needed to find some common ground between police and the protesters," said Timison. "Sometimes a common adversary can bring people together in a united cause. That's where Canadian rock band Nickelback came in to play. "

The band, formed in Hanna, Alberta in 1995, has been known to cause negative, even excruciating responses from its reluctant listeners. "Nickelback has aggravated Canadians for over two decades," said Timison. "Once I had the idea and council approved the plan, it was relatively easy to clear the blockade."

On Tuesday afternoon, volunteers from the community set up 26 large speakers around the trucks and other vehicles, and proceeded to play songs like How You Remind Me, Someday, and Burn It To The Ground at high decibels. Protesters and police alike could be seen visibly shaken at the ordeal, with both sides clearing out in a matter of an hour and a half.

From Our Lethbridge Bureau

BREAKING: Polkaroo To Be Named New Ottawa Mayor

 

BREAKING NEWS

Ottawa, Ontario

In a surprise move, The Sentinel Dispatch has learned Tuesday evening from multiple sources that Jim Watson will resign the Ottawa mayoralty at a press conference Wednesday morning.

This will mark the end of Watson's second tenure at the helm of Ottawa city council. He previously served as mayor from 1997 to 2000, and after serving in the cabinet of then Ontario premier Dalton McGuinty, he once again was elected Ottawa mayor in 2010.

According to an Ottawa city councilor, who spoke to The Sentinel Dispatch on condition of anonymity, a surprise replacement has already been named. Beloved children's entertainer Gerald Polkaroo, a resident of the Centretown district of Ottawa, will take over the role until the next municipal election.

Polkaroo, 57, is best known for his time on the Canadian children's program Polka Dot Door from 1971 to 1993. He takes over at a particularly challenging time for the city, as Freedom Convoy protesters settle in for their third week as occupiers of the downtown area.

"Polkaroo is the perfect person for this job," said protester Tom Roloson, speaking from his rig parked on Wellington Street. "He'll continue to represent the city of Ottawa with his quiet demeanor and his uncanny ability to disappear for long periods of time."

From Our Ottawa Bureau

Police Request Help In Finding Pain In The Ass Teen

Kitchener, ON

Waterloo Regional Police have requested the public's assistance in finding a 15 year old who is "generally a real pain in the ass," according to Constable Rachel Nillson.

Timothy Janssen of Kitchener left his home at approximately 9:00pm Tuesday night and his parents haven't seen him since. Greg, his father, asserts that "plenty of his friends know where he is, but they are also delinquents who are generally of no use to society, so we can't count on them to let us know where he is."

Timothy Janssen is described as 5'6", 170lbs, and short unkempt dirty blonde hair. He was last seen wearing his odorous Drake t-shirt and frumpy, tattered blue jeans.

"We thought Tim was in his room not doing anything of benefit and trolling liberals on social media like he always does," said his mother Sheila. "We love him, but he really can be a jerk most of the time and we'd appreciate it if he would come home so that we can continue parenting ineffectively."

This is the 7th time police have been called with concern to Janssen.

From Our Waterloo Region Bureau

Local Man Wins 2019 Best Worshiper Award At Festival

Worshipers raise their hand in praise at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

Chattanooga, TN

Sam Brinson has been waiting his whole life for this. On Wednesday afternoon, the 27 year old Nashville resident was informed that he had won this year's prestigious Best Worshiper Award for his performance at last weekend's SpiritFallingFest in Chattanooga.

"I would say that I was overcome by the news, but that would be slightly blasphemous," chuckled the software engineer, husband and father of two. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wanting this award, though."

In an interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, festival organizer Cindy Hallman said that her team has had its eye on Brinson since he was in his teens and attending festivals such as Creation Fest and Kingdom Bound. "It's not just one thing that stands out, it's a whole conglomeration of things," said Hallman. "To be considered for the Best Worshiper Award, a person must fulfill several requirements, including Best Pose including the raising of both hands as well as the closing of both eyes. Also, he or she must be in possession of all 14 of Michael W. Smith's worship albums, as well as those of Third Day and Chris Tomlin. Sam met all these criteria. He even has a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillsongs leader Darlene Zschech in his bedroom."

Brinson, a member of Crux, a modern, rocking "church but not church" on the edge of Nashville, says that his next goal is for the Dove Awards to add a Best Worshiper category in the near future. If and when that happens, "I'll be there."

From Our Nashville Bureau

BREAKING: Sarah Sanders Accepts "Less Racist" Job With KKK

Washington, D.C.

Merely one day after announcing her forthcoming departure as White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders informed news outlets on Friday that she will not be unemployed for long.

Sanders, a polarizing figure in Washington as a chief supporter of President Donald Trump, had not held a White House press briefing in a record 95 days.

On Thursday, Mr. Trump hailed Sanders as  a "warrior" and overtly stated that he hoped she would follower in her father Mike's footsteps and run for Arkansas governor.

However, it seems as if the 36 year old has another job in mind. In a media release obtained by The Sentinel Dispatch on Friday afternoon, Sanders announced that, beginning in August, she will take the helm as the official spokeswoman of the resurgent Ku Klux Klan.

"I was approached by (Grand Wizard) Joseph Hannison back in March of this year, and his offer was one that I couldn't refuse," said Sanders, who eventually succeeded Sean Spicer at the White House. "While I will forever be indebted to President Trump, I felt that at this point in my life I needed to step away and instead become part of a slightly less racist organization. The Klan has a proud history which has been distorted by the fake news media throughout history, and I look forward to rectifying that situation."

While the Ku Klux Klan once boasted a membership of 6,000,000 people in 1924-25 during its second iteration, it is estimated that current membership is now between 5 and 8 thousand people, mostly Caucasian. Sanders said she hopes to buoy its image after "the unfortunate misinterpretation of the events in Charlottesville" in 2017. "These are decent, hardworking men and women who only want to make America great again. The reporting of their anti-Jew and anti-black meetings is largely misconstrued. I'll pull back the veil, or sheet if you will, on the true meaning of the Klan, and show it in its true light, while not white-washing it at the same time."

Sanders will make her exit from the White House by the end of June.

From Our Washington Bureau

BREAKING: Premier Ford Named Grand Marshal Of Raptors Parade

Toronto, ON

Still basking in Thursday night's Game 6 victory and first NBA championship in Toronto history, Raptors fans are receiving puzzling news coming out of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, the conglomerate that owns the team.

Late Friday morning, MLSE chairman Larry Tanenbaum announced via Twitter that he had personally invited Premier Doug Ford to be the Grand Marshal of Monday's Raptors victory parade, which will surely be attended by tens of thousands of fans.

The news comes at a strange time, to be sure. According to a survey released yesterday to CityNews, Ford's approval rating is sitting at a meager 29% after a year of slashing funding to social services, health care, and education.

None of which seems to matter to the elated Progressive Conservative Premier. Ford released a statement Friday morning:

"I am elated to have been invited by my good friends at MLSE to serve as Grand Marshal for the Raptors victory parade. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a deep love for this city and its citizens. See you all on Monday morning!"

In a phone interview with The Sentinel Dispatch, the premier further elaborated on the honour, saying, "I have always dreamed of marching in a parade and handing out candy to onlookers. Folks know that I have always been a giving person. In that light, I will be returning to my Etobicoke roots and will be indiscriminately handing out hashish and other mind-altering drugs to the young and old alike. Crack cocaine will also be available to 'special' guests."

Monday's parade will begin at 10:00 a.m., beginning at Exhibition Place and ending at Nathan Phillips Square in front of Toronto City Hall.

From Our Toronto Bureau